Monday, October 15, 2007

So Much Stupidity, So Little Time

For one of the few times since I’ve been writing this blog I am tempted to censor myself due to the “audience” I’ve accumulated. I decided long ago that this blog was just for me to vent, to write out the ugliest and worst things that run through my head. That is what I do here. Yet now I find myself considering editing so I won’t sound so “weird” or “delusional” or “pathetic” or “odd” or whatever other word might come to mind in that vein. Oh well. Comments be damned. This is my blog, and I’ll blog the worst of it.

I alternate between wanting to maintain status quo with W and just telling him the whole thing and telling him to get out of the house. The truth is I don’t want to work on the marriage anymore. I’m fine with having him around but not with being in a marriage with him. There is part of me that just wants to tell him I’m tired of lies and cover stories and all that bullshit and here’s what I’ve done and what I’m going to be doing and decide for yourself what you want to do because of it. My fear if I do that is that I lose all control of the situation. I am such a control freak. God forbid I can’t have everything under my control. [rolls eyes at self]

I became a snoop this weekend and did something I have never done before. I checked W's cell phone's contact list just to see who was in there. I found that along with the people I would have expected (relatives, friends, me) there were two mystery entries -- one for "Kk" and one for "xyz" -- that made me curious. Interesting that he would mark them in such way that I wouldn't know who they are if I did happen to check. I have several numbers on my cell phone that would be quite interesting to W if he ever looked, and I've made no attempt to "hide" them but put real names to each and every one. While I don't really mind that he has a life behind my back, I do find it interesting that he tries to keep it a secret somehow. Such interesting games we play at our house. Yes indeed.

I desperately want BJ back. I do. I would do almost anything to get “us” back. Yes, I would even accept things that I’ve thought were unacceptable. I am pathetic and weak and delusional and all those other names you wish to throw at me. Damn, I wish I didn’t love BJ so much. I wish it were easier to move on from this, but it isn’t. It isn’t easy at all. So while I am moving on in some ways (acquiring a new FWB for example), in others I am not. I can’t seem to let go of the hope that somehow, in some way, BJ and I can find a way to make things work between us. Yes, I know that it is one-sided now. I know that he doesn’t want me the way I want him. Yes, I know. I know, and I know, and I know. And yes, I still keep beating my head against the brick wall.

Say what you will in the comments about all of this. Well, kind readers, I know you’ll pound me for it, but it is what it is. These are indeed the thoughts that rattle around inside my empty lil’ head. These are the thoughts that I dare not speak to anyone for I know that they are utterly ridiculous.


Karin's Korner said...

TS - Be very careful what you tell W at this point. If you decide that you want him out, just tell him to go. You do not want him to bring anything before a judge in custody arrangements. But, I do think it is time to tell him you are not happy and really you just want him to move on, seems to me he may have at least a few places to go if you ask him to...who do those phone #'s belong to...or maybe he is baiting you...trying to see if you go through his phone and they are really #'s to nothing.

Val said...

That reminds me of my own infamous "459" incident...
[I will make a long story short]
Ex's GF would text-message him these mysterious "459" -- I'm sorry to say it took me an obscenely long time to figure it out! (pause while you go squint at the phone's keypad)
459 = ILY
it was that damned "Y" that threw me off, I swear! (not to mention you don't expect GROWN-UPS to communicate this way!)

freebird said...

Your first FB pounding coming up: (!)

Point 1. Yes, this is your blog. You may have found that you have more readers than you want - or you may just love the thought of loads of readers... it’s your choice, you can censor yourself, or you know how to weed us out if you want to.

2. Actually, I’m not sure if you are the control freak. The thing that you say would lose you control, looks to me the exact thing that would gain it. It’s just that it would be much harder work.

3. The coded phone numbers. Ok, maybe you’re not worried by them but you are interested. Yes, who wouldn't be? But surely you can’t be surprised that he would keep them secret from you if they are extra-marital relationships? And if he has those, doesn’t that make you feel happier for him and more comfortable with splitting from him (if that is what you want)?

4. TS, you are better than this guy. He will not make you happy. He does things you hate and has no intention of changing or even compromising for you. He is totally into himself. You have admitted that he doesn’t want you the way that you want him. Can you please explain what it is about him that you think is good?

Believe it or not, sent with love, FB

The Silent Male said...

TS - I so disagree with some of the other comments, I could turn it into a full blown rant. I won't. This is your blog, and you just way whatever you want to say. I started my blog for that reason, so I would feel like I had a place to say what I wanted.

freebird said...

Oh, SM, I wasn't suggesting for a moment that TS shouldn't write exactly what she feels or wants to say - that's what a blog is for, isn't it? Just that if she isn't comfortable with other people reading her "Trueself" thoughts she knows how to keep people out if she chooses. But if she chooses to censor herself to make it more palatable to her readers (if that's how she sees it) she is free to make that choice too, although it may not quite be her "True Self" in the end.

Trueself said...

Karin - I know I have to keep custody issues in mind. That has been probably the biggest issue that holds me back.

Val - Not sure I would've ever figured out the 459 thing. Sheesh.

FB - If that's a pounding then I can take it anytime. Hmm, as you often do you give me food for thought especially your point over control or lack of it. Gonna have to think that one over a bit.
As to what I can explain that I think is good about BJ, that is a tough question. Maybe I just invested so much emotionally that I was desperately wanted him to do the same, but of course he didn't.

SM - Feel free to rant here anytime friend.

The Silent Male said...

TS, KK, and FB. The comments about what TS writes weren't what I disagreed with. I still a little uncomfortable to say this on another's blog (in my own blog I wouldn't hold back), but here goes.
I disagreed with KK's comments in regards to thinking of custody above the truth or doing anything more for the marital situation. My personal belief is to think of the child first, and it is a rare child who would choose to have only one parent instead of two.
The other thing I disagreed with was FB's point (4). Saying W has no intention of compromising or changing (paraphrased). It just kind of got on my nerve. Don't men have the right to be their own person? Don't men have the right to search for their happiness? I get the feeling that in the comments (here and before) people are suggesting (and I don't disagree with them) that TS has the right to search for happiness and the right to be her own person, so shouldn't W be afforded those same rights? (Ok, that was the highly shortened version of the thought process).

freebird said...

NO NO NO!!!! I was talking about BJ, not W! But while I'm here... yes, right, if he (BJ) doesn't want to change, why should he? As long as poor TS doesn't still expect him to make any compromises for her.

Bunny said...

Not going to pound you. We have so many similarities that it isn't even funny.

The Silent Male said...

Freebird (with apologies to TS for using your blog like this). We don't have an argument in that regard. I did misunderstand your words (and I apologize for that misunderstanding). Thank you for the effort to help me understand your point of view there.

TS - I'll agree with her point. BJ is working to live his own life, searching for his own happiness. You are doing the same thing. Here is to hoping that you find in your heart the means to that happiness.

Trueself said...

FB & SM - Don't worry about holding discussions here. I enjoy sitting back and "listening" for a while. :-)

Bunny - Yes, I imagine we do.