Friday, October 19, 2007
I’m rehashing old hash in this post. I’m in a reflective mood. I’m sure I’ve covered this ground here before, maybe in bits and pieces, maybe in a similar way. I’m too lazy to go back and look. Besides, I’m old, I’m allowed to repeat myself. It’s what we old folks do.
If you had told me, five years ago, that I would be one of those wives who has an affair behind her husband’s back I would have probably laughed at you. Maybe I would have been offended, but I’m pretty sure I would have laughed because I would have considered the thought to be utterly ridiculous.
Even then the ole’ sex life was mediocre, existing only when I begged and pleaded hard enough to get a little sympathy attention (and boy, nothing makes you feel better and sexier than having attention paid to you out of sympathy). I had made a commitment though to be faithful to W, and maybe more importantly, I was fat (still am) and therefore in my mind, undesirable to men. I figured I wouldn’t stand a chance on the open market. Had an opportunity placed itself directly in my face, I might have taken it. I’m not sure though. Be that as it may, the opportunity did not arise, and I did not have any affairs back then.
So what changed? What changed me from the woman who would laugh off the suggestion that I might have an affair to a woman who has now had multiple affairs? That is such a good question. It really is. I don’t know that I am fully cognizant of the pieces that came together to contribute to my decision to engage in infidelity.
One piece to the puzzle is that W went from willing to engage in intimate acts at my urging to being frustrated with my constant demands (like once or twice a month) for it. Selfish bitch that I am, I wanted attention. I wanted hands and lips and tongues, even if not genitals (though I would have been happy with that too, but he wasn’t), to caress me and stimulate me and make me feel good, and I wanted to do the same for him. He didn’t want it. He said he wanted to want it but didn’t know how to get that back. So he wanted me to be patient and wait for that elusive moment when he was interested. My patience finally ran out.
Another piece to the puzzle is that I evolved from feeling that it was my obligation to subjugate my own needs for everyone else to feeling that I deserved attention too, that my needs and desires needed to be honored too. I grew tired of subjugating my desires. My patience finally ran out.
A third piece to the puzzle is that I found out that I wasn’t universally repulsive to males. J opened my eyes to that. Others helped me bolster my self esteem until I got to a place where I felt that while some will find me unattractive due to my weight, there are certainly plenty of men out there who do find me attractive. Not only that but they find me interesting, enjoyable as company. My self esteem, while still subject to bouts of battering, has risen meteorically.
There’s a fourth piece and that is the internet. Yes folks, the internet is the work of the devil as it has caused me to stray. (Sarcasm alert! Sarcasm alert!) Seriously though, the internet has certainly made it easier to find others who might be open to the type of activity that one generally doesn’t just walk up to a stranger and request. It has made finding “like minded individuals” a relatively easy, relatively anonymous, relatively safe thing to do. Yes, I said safe. Safe as in if someone creeps you out online you don’t have to share with them who you really are. Safe as in you can run your own background check on someone fairly easily. Safe as in you have the chance to get to know at least something about the person before facing them in real life. While the internet certainly didn’t cause me to cheat it has facilitated it quite handily.
Take all those pieces, put them together, along with maybe a few other things, and there you go. How a faithful wife gives up faithfulness. It isn't pretty, but it is what it is.