Tuesday, October 09, 2007

It was the Best of Times, It was the Worst of Times

It is clearly my fault. I mean I am, after all, the one who started it. I have no one here to blame but me. I gave myself a couple of hours of hope only to have it dashed . . . again. It started as just an innocent little note of celebration, but I unfortunately had to run it off into the ditch.

Email exchange between myself and BJ yesterday:

My number came up on the waiting list for Illini basketball tickets.


Fanning myself just a bit, trying to compose myself. . .

(At this point, I’m happy as can be, just wanting to share with everyone my joy at having one dream come true.)

OMG, that is wonderful! I am so happy for you! I know it's been a lifelong dream of yours. Congratulations!!

(Aww, isn’t that nice? It’s good to know he can still be happy for me when good things happen.)

Thank you. I am beside myself with excitement. OMG!! I should calm down in a day or two.

There’s only one thing missing from my life now. . .

(Okay, good response until that last line. WTF was I thinking throwing out that last line? Oh yeah, trying to see if I could get anything back. That’s right. {slaps self in forehead})

That means you'll be able to see all the home games in person. Talk about being in heaven.

Missing? What would that be?

(Does he really not know, or is he hoping it’s what I meant?)


(Short and sweet. Let’s see where this goes.)

That can be arranged.

(My heart begins to sing! That can be arranged? It can? I can have him in my life? We can come to terms somehow, or at least work in that direction? Wait a minute. What if there is a wink at the end of that sentence, just his flirtatious nature? Whoa. Better not get too excited here.)

Now, there you go getting my hopes up again. You see, I read that and I think that maybe something has changed. But nothing has changed. I’m sorry I took this exchange from lighthearted to serious now. I should’ve stuck with basketball.

(Okay laid it on the line. Thrown out the challenge. Tell me something has changed. Tell me. Tell me dammit! TELL ME!)

I'm sorry. You're right. Nothing has changed at the moment.

(Shit. I am an idiot. Such an idiot. Anytime something seems too good to be true it probably is. Maybe I better call the ticket office and make sure I really am a season ticket holder. Maybe that isn’t real either. Ha, ha. No, they charged $1,100 to my credit card. That’s about as real as it gets.)

If I were thicker skinned the above exchange might not have affected me so much. As it is, I interpreted “That can be arranged” as being an olive branch of compromise extended my way. Until I got his last reply some two hours later I started opening my heart to him again. I started to think that maybe, just maybe, we were about to head in a different direction. Of course that didn’t happen, and it was silly of me to think it could. It just isn’t good to keep making myself vulnerable. Not good at all. . .

And now, even though I’m trying to still be happy about the basketball ticket thing, it just doesn’t seem all that important anymore. . .


Bunny said...

I'm so happy for you about your tickets. Sorry about the thing with BJ. I would have taken "That can be arranged" the same way you did. HE got your hopes up with that statement and then pulled the rug out from under you.

Val said...

Ugh. I don't see any other way to interpret that statement either!

Serenity said...

Oh i am keeping my opinions of him to myself if it kills me. Which it might. I might just explode from the sheer annoyance of it all.
He's a dink. Oops, that just slipped out. Sorry. But honestly. :(

mistress said...

"that can be arranged" means just that - that he can arrange to come see you. It does NOT mean that he's going to change his whole life for you, or his likes and dislikes, or conform in every way possible to the man you WANT him to be.

Trueself said...

Bunny & Val - Thanks for validating how I took it. Oh well, at least it helped me resume my "no contact" policy.

Serenity - You really should learn to speak your mind dear. ;-)

Mistress - Yup, you are right.

Fiona said...

I see it a little differently, TS.

You told him he's the only thing missing from your life. He said he can change that. Your heart sang and you started to think you two could come to terms about your differences, or at least work in that direction. But you said the opposite. You said "But nothing has changed". Door slammed. But he even tried to put his foot against the door as you were slamming it, with "Nothing has changed AT THE MOMENT"

The hardest thing for you, TS, despite your giving, caring nature, seems to be caring for yourself as much as you do for others.

Should the opportunity come again, go with your heart and explore possibilities. If he were to say "that can be arranged" another time, say "I'd like that" instead of pushing him away.

Just my thoughts on this :)

Val said...

So I can blurt out MY gut instinct (ha ha ha) as well: he's a jerk, darlin', you're better off w/out him!

John said...

My 2 cents? This has nothing to do with making yourself vulnerable or opening up. Those are all good things. But don't do it with someone you have already rejected.

Trueself said...

Fiona - You are right. I did slam the door in his face, and it would have been better perhaps if I had responded as you suggested.

Val - Thanks. I think you are both right although it hurts deeply to admit it.

John - Yeah, I'm just torturing myself here. Duh. Will I never learn?

freebird said...

Now I'm confused!

Trueself said...

FB - Me too!

However, if you want clarification let me know what is confusing you, and I'll give it my best shot.