Saturday, August 26, 2006

Eye of the Storm

W thinks things are a lot better between us. On a certain level, he is correct. I've checked out. Oh, I still live here, still sleep in our bed, still get up and go to work every day, still come home and have dinner, still play with N and put him to bed, still go through the motions. I've checked out emotionally from my marriage. W and I cruise through life on parallel paths. He does his thing, I do mine. We make no emotional and very few physical connections between us. W thinks that because I no longer complain about the lack of sex, or anything else for that matter, that things are getting much better between the two of us. And, I suppose, he's right. I'm no longer worried about whether we will ever test the little blue pills. I no longer care so much that he rarely kisses or hugs me. I'm more satisfied to be here because I have adjusted my expectations of W and our marriage. I no longer expect my marriage to be fulfilling, and I no longer feel bad looking outside my marriage for the fulfillment I want and need. Can I sustain this for the long term? I don't know, but for now as long as I'm spending my emotions on the men I'm meeting through the internet I can pretty much ignore the frustrations at home. I can paste on the Stepford Wife smile as I walk in the door and live the illusion until I can leave again.

It's all a coping strategy. Chaos has reigned the last few weeks within my head, but it is now subsiding. I'm starting to calm down as things are finally starting to fall into place. I don't yet have a definite affair set in motion yet, but there is one really good prospect with whom I had lunch yesterday. Also, I have lunch on Monday with a man that at least via email is sounding promising (as have others that haven't panned out, so we'll see). Yes, I've been quite the social butterfly the last couple of weeks, meeting men through emails, telephone calls and in person. It has been hectic, and hard to keep up with, but now I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I see a way to keep myself content at home when I'm home by seeking certain fulfillment outside of the marriage.

I have definitely taken a turn from desperation to a new level of calmness. Of course, that could all change with one of any number of bad turns this could all take.

For the time being, I'm just going to enjoy the calm at the eye of the storm. And truth be told, I'm still waiting for that knight to ride in on his white horse and carry me away to live happily ever after. Where's my fairy godmother?


Rosie said...

Checking out of the marriage is understandable after so much effort to do the right things. You seem calmer now then at the beginning of your blog. And it is hectic to set up all the appointments to 'interview' the men, and to keep them straight :)
But once you finally connect with one and things settle into pleasant routine - well, it is a pleasant routine.

trueself said...

Yes, keeping them straight was one of the difficult pieces. Before a date I'd go back to their email(s) to refresh my memory as to who it was I was meeting. Then I'd still get mixed up about who said what. LOL!
Glad I'm getting to the next stage.
And yes, I am getting ever so much calmer. It seems that slowly I'm coming around to figuring out myself and my path.

freebird said...

That's very well put, Trueself - "checking out". I realise I checked out of mine a long time ago. But going through the motions at home while your other life is constantly in the back of your mind is a difficult path. You begin to question which is your 'real' life and which is your 'other' life, (oh, and then there's your blogging life as well!). And if you connect emotionally - or dare I say fall in love - with whoever you hook up with, that's when the storm really starts to blow up.
I read your post with much empathy, although you have one big difference from me in that you have your son. I've certainly been through some chaos and it took a loooooong time before I reached anything like a 'pleasant routine'.
Enjoy the calm, take care, and I truly hope you can find some happiness and fulfilment. (Most of all take care!)

Emily said...

I think it is quite difficult to reach a pleasant routine while having an affair, because it is essentially a secret, "real" life while apparently still inhabiting your marriage like a ghost - not really there.