Caution! Drama Queen at Work

This morning, J finally replied to my last email:

Hi,
I looked and I did not even realize how I signed off on my last email. Sorry...I didn't spell really well either. I haven't had too good of a week or 2. I have had the feeling I have now become the center of a dartboard and I am being shot at every direction. My job is in jeapordy at the moment because the ex put an EOP against me without even talking to me. Says I beat up my ten year old. She is a pain. I got my son for two weeks and she called five times trying to end that. I hav now gained a new dislike for her. Then there is you know who that disappeared for the last six days and did not tell me where she was going. Life is just wonderful...note the sarcasm. Well, I goota go, but write back when you can.

Love,
J

I happened to be on the computer when the email arrived so I fired off a quick reply:

J,

I'm so sorry things aren't going well. I hope you are able to work everything out okay.

I won't burden you with how things are going with me. It wouldn't help your mood any.

I love you so much, and so wish that there were a way that I could make everything better for you. You have no idea how guilty I feel like all of this is my fault. One huge mistake by me 20 years ago, and I messed up more lives than I ever knew would be possible.

Love,
Trueself

Then the family and I went off to my company picnic. Woohoo. Why do they have those anyway? Only a fraction of employees actually show up, and nobody has a good time. Sorry, off track for a moment. When we returned this afternoon, I checked email and had received this:

Hi Trueself,
Are we playing on the computer this morning? That response was pretty quick. I guess you know that in reality, you have nothing to do with what is going on. Your huge mistake as you call it did what exactly? One thing doesn't necessarily lead to another although it can. You and I could have stayed together back then, and still found other people to marry. In some ways, I didn't do too bad since I do have three kids out of the deal. The one I have now says that I have been driving her away, but for some odd reason I can't drive her back.. What does this all mean? I don't know. I am so confused with life that I don't which end is up. Something tells me that your life isn't going any better. You know I have to ask this. Do you really feel that way about me, or are you just looking for a way out? I might have already asked that before, but it is a valid question you know.

Oh well, I guess I will talk to you later.

Love,
J

And here's the reply I sent, melodrama and all:

J,

Yes, I really feel that way about you. No, I am not just looking for a way out. As a matter of fact, in some ways the worst thing that could happen to me would be for you to be free and wanting me. If that happened it would be impossible for me to stay in this marriage because I want to be with you so badly. As long as you are not available to me, I stay here. I stay so that N has an intact home, and so that W has someone to take care of him. It is so much better for the two of them that I stay so I do. If, however, I really had the chance to have what I believe would make me truly happy I couldn't stay.

I am trying to be good. I am trying to leave you alone (not doing well on that one I'm afraid) so that you can work through all that is going on. I am trying to focus on making my marriage work (and taking some strange detours along the way). I am trying to somehow make myself happy with the life I have, rather than dwelling on the one I don't have. Often, I am failing miserably. Too often I think of the times we've spent together recently, and how badly I want to spend more time with you. I hate not talking to you, not emailing you, not seeing you. Part of me really wanted you to reply to me that yes, it's over for us, because even though I would have hated it more than anything, it would have forced me to move on.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to dump all this on you. I truly, truly am trying to step back, and wait, but it is so hard. It hurts me to see you hurting, and it hurts me even more to know that I can't take the hurt away. I'm not the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. I have no way of making this better for you or for me except to try to fall out of love with you. And I'm trying to do that. And so far I'm failing. And now I've got to go because the tears in my eyes are keeping me from seeing the computer screen.

Love,
Trueself