Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Jumbled Thoughts

I'm starting this post without a clue as to where it will go, just kind of rambling through a jumbled mass of thoughts.

I appreciate the comments I've received here lately, the varying opinions, the concern, and the criticisms. All of it makes me think, makes me look inside myself, makes me examine the things I'm doing and the choices I'm making. Of course, I realize that all comments made here are made based on incomplete information. You know only the pieces of my life that I share here, and here I generally share the negative crap filling my head, getting it out so that I can continue to live life in a reasonably rational manner. But the things I share here are not a complete picture of me or my life or who I am. I'm certain that I show W in a much more negative light here than he deserves.

The facts of my past remain. Over 20 years ago, I made a big decision that changed many lives, as we all do over and over throughout our lives, starting ripples that would continue for a very long time. I chose to "run away" from my family, my job, my life, to pursue a relationship with W, a married man 27 years older than I. Yes, I changed everything about my life with that decision. I changed from being a "good girl" doing what I ought to into a "bad girl" doing whatever struck my fancy at the moment without regard to the impact that the things I was doing was having at the time or the lingering impact that could shadow my life for a long time to come. As much as I might like to turn back time and change some of the decisions I made back then, I can't. I must start from here and move forward from here.

I am trying to make decisions today with more regard for the impact in the short and long term. I am trying to consider the risks in the things I'm doing. I am trying to consider my wellbeing and happiness as well as others wellbeing and happiness. Unfortunately, I can't make everybody happy. It may be selfish, but I am trying to bring happiness to myself. Maybe I'm going about it all wrong. Maybe I'm making mistakes as big and bigger as I did 20 years ago. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I don't know.

I don't want to leave W. I want to take care of him. But I also wish I weren't married to him. I wish that I had a life partner closer in age to mine. I wish that I were more of a partner and less of a caretaker. I wish I didn't have to confront W's mortality over and over as he faces more and more medical issues. I wish that it was "okay" for me to have a lover on the side to take care of the physical yearnings that I have. I wish for so many things that aren't possible. So I make do the best I can. It is clear to me that yes, I am going to sleep with someone other than W. If that is so, then would it be better for me to leave W so that he must fend for himself or turn to his grown children from his first marriage for assistance? Or is it better for me to stay, to care for W the best I can, and get some of my needs met on the outside? I am choosing the latter option. Is it the right choice? I don't know. I know it is not the ideal, but I can't find a solution that is ideal. None at all. No matter what choice I make there is some sacrifice involved. I am choosing a path that means I have sacrificed my fidelity, my honesty, my trustworthiness, many qualities that are difficult for me to sacrifice. Maybe it would be a nobler sacrifice to sacrifice my happiness so that I could continue to do the things I ought to do.

Wow. This post is just as big a mess as I thought it might be. Just like my life.

22 comments:

Rae'sSecret said...

It's not a sacrific at all if you cheat on him.
Thats having it all.

I'm so sick of everyone cheating on everyone and porn being everywhere, I try to watch a damn movie and Im not sure if it's a drama or freaking porno.

I'm sick of everyone using everyone. I'm sick of the fact people think marriage vows are meant to be broken.

Im sick of the fact it seems like EVERYONE cheats. I guess I should stop reading blogs.
It seems like the human race is melting into a puddle of oversexed goo.

trueself said...

Rae,
Thanks so much for stopping by. I appreciate your insight into my situation. It certainly puts a new spin on it that I had never thought of before. Yes, by having an affair I'm having it all. Gee, it is so much better that way than if I had a good and decent marriage. It is so much better to sacrifice my moral character than to sacrifice my happiness. Oh, yes, I'm having it all. No sacrifices here. It's all so clear to me now.

Rae'sSecret said...

You think I should be sympathetic? Because your married to someone you claim to love and that loves you, but its not good enough? You have to have an affair on the side as well. Nothing is ever good enough for anyone anymore.

No one is going to feel sorry for your sacrifice. W is not your child and just because he cant get it up doesnt mean he cant take care of himself. Doesnt he have some family that could check on him so you can get on with a REAL life?

Your kidding yourself if you say you love your husband. If you loved your husband, you couldnt so easily interview your new sexual partners. Not to mention try to destroy someone else's marriage.

Stop being a child and make a decision for yourself... happiness or your "moral sacrafice".

trueself said...

Rae,
No, I don't think you should be sympathetic. I am certainly not expecting that at all, from you or from anyone else. I'm fucked up, without a doubt. You won't ever see me saying any different. And, believe it or not, I do appreciate your point of view. Not so very long ago, I very well sat on my high horse with similar attitudes to yours. I've looked down on those that were weak enough to give in to the temptations (sexual and otherwise) of life thinking I was better than that. Well, it turns out that I'm not. Maybe you are, and if so, good for you. But as for me, I am just a poor wretched sinner thankful that God's grace covers even the worst of us even when we give in to some of the biggest sins. You may not think I am worthy of God's grace, but I thank God that He is a forgiving God, a God that sent His Son to die for my sins, the sins I commit when I, like all other humans, give in to temptation.

Rae'sSecret said...

Ok, I'm on my "high horse" because I believe in marriage vows?

I bet you'd have a fit if you found out W didn't want to fuck you because he was fucking someone else.
Get over yourself, and stop with the pity party, "Im so fucked up, waaaaa."

I love how people like to bring God up, it's so damn funny. I never said a word about god or you going to hell. I don't go to church nor am I overly religious at all. I don't care what happens to you when you die.


Give in to temptation?! Is THAT what your doing?
For that to be true, I think someone would have to be tempting you. Last time I checked, your seeking out temptation.

Theres no excuse for breaking your marriage vows. If you want to sleep with other people do it. Doesn't mean you have to fuck over your husband.

trueself said...

Rae,
I love this. You are completely the kind of person I expected to get comments from when I started this blog, but it took so long to finally snag one of you.

If W were out fucking someone else, at this point that would be great to me. I could then leave him without feeling guilty that I was leaving him all alone.

I brought God into this, because God is very important in my life. I made no assumptions about His importance in yours. And if you don't care what happens to me after I die, why do you care what I do while I live?

Yes, I am giving in to temptation. Often, temptation does not come from external sources, but from within ourselves. The temptation to which I am giving in is one that has been burning inside me for almost as many years as I've been married.

Rae'sSecret said...

Oh I don't care at all what you do, go ahead and do it. Nothing I say would stop you anyway.
I just wanted you to realize your degrading the human race and a horrible example for your child.
Maybe when he gets married and has a relationship issue, instead of solving it, his mommy can tell him just to go have an affair. Just give into temptation.

Why don't you just invest in some high quality sex toys...I could give you some suggestions, lol.

Religion is a whole 'nother arguement. It seems the people who actually are religious use it as an excuse to sin!!

freebird said...

Hmm, I wonder why rae reads blogs then?

The last (long) paragraph of your post - apart from reference to previous marriage and kids - could have been written by me (except that you put it so much more eloquently than I could!).
Sometimes I think I'd get along much better with Mr B if we weren't married. Rather ironic.

Gawd, I hope I'm not going to get sniped now.

trueself said...

Rae,
So much of your time invested today in something about which you don't care. Hmmm. . .
Example? No, I wouldn't consider myself a good example unless it was to say "Don't do what this woman is doing."
Sex toys? Got plenty, thanks. Not one is the same as a real, live person.
Really not trying to use my religion to excuse my behavior. There is no excuse for my behavior. I am fully aware of that.

trueself said...

Freebird,
You are a brave woman to step into the fray!
And yes, I thought, you would relate to that part of my post.

Rae'sSecret said...

Then stop playing the sympathy card.

Why dont you just come out and say your marriage is lousy and you like to fuck around, and you don't give a damn what I or anyone else thinks about it.

Rae'sSecret said...

and just because I don't care doesnt mean Im interested. Isn't that what blogs are for?

Rae'sSecret said...

*not interested, sorry, too much caffiene this morning and not enough food.

trueself said...

Rae,
Okay.
My marriage is lousy.
I like to fuck around.
I don't give a damn what you or anybody else thinks.

And if you think I'm trying to play the sympathy card, you are reading more into what I'm saying than is there. Perhaps deep down you have more sympathy than you are willing to admit.

Rae'sSecret said...

Lol, maybe.

no hard feelings, right?

trueself said...

Rae,
No hard feelings whatsoever. I rather enjoyed our exchange.
Feel free to stop by anytime.

Stinkypaw said...

It's strange to me how you write that you enjoy these exchange, you surely reads like like want your cage to be rattled! I haven't been commenting lately because I just can't get over how messed up your making yourself be. You are doing this to yourself, you are choosing this path of confusion and at times I wonder why are you so self-destructive? What is it about you that makes you crave so much negative attention? If loving someone is doing what you've been doing and/or planning to do, then I guess I've never loved. Nor do I want to! At least not that way.

And please don't bring religion into this and how you're already forgiven - that doesn't mean that you should turn around and do whatever "sin" you see fit, because you know that you'll be forgiven. That's a lousy way out.

From the start I wrote you to own up to your actions and to face the music and leave W if you weren't happy, but you don't want that, out of fears. When I thought you were strong or getting stronger you do things that made me re-think and then I came to realise that maybe you were just a coward... could be wrong... but...

trueself said...

SP,
Yes, I am a coward. No two ways about it. All that you've said in your post is true. I know that I am bringing all of this on myself. I won't deny it for a minute. I don't mind my cage being rattled. It keeps my mind working.
As far as bringing religion into it, my faith has been and continues to be an important part of my life. Just because I am struggling with my own morality right now does not mean that God is not there for me. Just because I am struggling in my relationship with God does not mean that my relationship with God is any less important or valid than when I am not self-destructing. If we shouldn't bring God in when we are struggling then when should we? I know I am doing wrong. I know I should stop. I know, and yet I do anyway just as Paul spoke about in Romans. I'm not alone in my struggles. It is a fight within me right now, right and wrong, and rather than wrestle privately I've chosen to share those struggles in a public, albeit anonymous, forum. As such, my religion will occasionally be brought into my thoughts, my posts, my comments, because it is all a part of me, of who I am. I don't believe that whatever I do is "okay" because I will have God's forgiveness, but I do take comfort in the fact that I do have God's forgiveness. That no matter how short I fall, His love will always be there for me even if I have none from anyone on this earth. Without that one thread of comfort, I surely would have ended my life long ago (Given your history I debated long and hard before including this sentence. It is not here to stir your emotions, but simply to speak a truth.) So I really wish people would stop telling me to stop dragging religion into this. I'm not dragging it, it just is a part of this to me because it just is a part of me.

FTN said...

Whew, reading the comments on this one has been interesting. And entertaining!

trueself said...

ftn,
Why thank you. We aim to please.

Emily said...

Well, I don't think you're such a big sinner.

I understand at least some of your situation because I, too, have a much older partner with poor physical health and chronically unsatisfied.

Sometimes reading your blog makes me uneasy because its like looking into possible futures for myself in a decade or so.

Its true that I think you should turn away from these other guys and work on your relationship with your partner. I do. But I guess I don't necessarily think that will make you happy, and I do understand the impulse to fight for your own unhappiness.

I guess what I am mainly worried about here are the risks to your son. W, ultimately, is a grown up who can cope if he finds out. He would not doubt be very unhappy about it. But he was cheating married man himself, right? He knows the score.

But I just think you are going to get caught. My feeling is, and I hope you don't find this too insulting, that there is something impulsive about you that is reflected in your blog, something that will lead you to take too many risks. You haven't even really started yet, and you are already leaving a trail of evidence - the emails, the craigslist, the mobile text messages ,this blog.

Which leads me to suspect that you actually half want to be caught so that you can walk out.

And that may well break up your home. And I hate to think of the impact of that on your little boy.

I hope you are not finding my comments too harsh, as I do understand, and I love your blog, but I do worry about you!

trueself said...

Emily,

Thank you. I appreciate your concerns.

You are quite insightful (or I'm pretty transparent) in what you see in me. Yes, I can be quite impulsive, something that I fight against constantly. I always feel like I'm having to hold myself back from making impulsive decisions and choices. It is as though I am afraid that if I'm given a long enough time to think about things I won't do things that I want to do so I just leap ahead with abandon.

Also, I have thought a lot about the trail that I'm leaving. I do most computer stuff from work, or now since we have the laptop, on the laptop. W rarely uses the laptop, but chooses to use his PC in the office downstairs. I am trying my best to cover my tracks, and I will say that the closer I get to actually following through with H the more careful I am becoming. I truly do NOT want to get caught so you are wrong on that count. I hate to imagine the devastation that would cause for N, and I really will try to be careful in that regard.

I am not trying to minimize your concerns, but simply to assure you that I am concerned also about the same things, and am trying to somehow juggle this so that it all works.

And goodness knows, if W ever found this blog, the shit would hit the fan in a big way and life as I know it would be over. So if I ever feel there is danger of him finding it then it will disappear immediately, in its entirety.

I know. You're still concerned. You don't think I'm doing the right things. I owe my marriage more of a chance, and should focus there. I know. I think so too. Yet I continue on. . .