Sunday, August 06, 2006

So Here I Sit

All alone. Oh yes, W is here, but he is asleep in his chair.

N is safely tucked away at camp. What a perfect opportunity to try out those new pills. Well, you'd think so wouldn't you? We got home from taking N to camp. W started to undress. Good sign. Then he asks for the newspaper and heads for the bathroom. Okay, should I undress and wait in the bedroom, or am I reading too much into this here? Hmmm. . . Decide to take the safe route. I won't undress, but I also won't get involved in any chores or projects so that I'm available when he comes out.

Finally, W emerges and says, "Now that N's gone (oh boy here we go!), do you want to (oh you bet I want to!) go buy school supplies?"

What?!?!?!? Wait a minute. Adjust thinking. Reset. I say, "Do you want to?"

W says, "Yeah, let me go put some clothes on."

So we spend the next couple of hours out shopping for school supplies for N (amazing how much you spend on school supplies for a second grader) during which I acted like a supreme royal bitch (suffering from that tropical disease, acute lackanooky) and then stopping for a quick light dinner. Oh, I think to myself as we pull in to the restaurant, this is the same place we went the last time I thought we were going to fool around but didn't. Hope that's not a sign.

So far, it seems that it was a sign. We got home, and W quite promptly sat down in the family room and went to sleep. So here I sit, debating whether I should wake W and try to make advances, or if I should just leave him alone and continue answering emails from my lover "candidates." So far, letting him sleep is winning out. At this point the resentment has built up beyond me wanting to do anything anyway. At this point if I tried I'd feel like I was forcing him. . . yet again. Besides, we agreed a while back that if there was to be anything happen he needed to initiate so that I knew he wanted it and wasn't doing it just to appease me. So here I sit.

Feels odd sitting here working on setting up an affair while W is no more than 6 feet away, but that's what I did yesterday and what I continue this evening. I am surprised at how callous I am about this whole thing. One would almost think I'd feel bad about going behind W's back, setting up clandestine meetings with men. Yet, I don't. This morning at church as I knelt for communion I prayed for God's forgiveness. I have no doubt that what I am doing is a sin, and yet I find it difficult to feel guilty for it. So I prayed not only for God's forgiveness for my adultery but also for my continued hardheartedness over the matter.

1 comment:

Emily said...

Dear Trueself

You would have no idea, from the lack of comment, how compelling I am finding your blog.

Because, of course, I am in a not dissimilar position of living with an older man with a sexual disorder.

No judgement from me. I'm committed to not going down this road because, well, I have been down it before and it didn't work out too well.

But I am just wondering if you shouldn't have a really, really frank talk with your partner before going down it? For instance, this "special occasion" argument is utter bullshit and he should be told that!