Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Unsure

In trying to analyze my recent behavior, I keep getting struck with four adjectives, none of which was included in the list that commenters had thrown at me. They are:

Selfish – I know that I am being selfish in all of this. I am out for me, for what I want, for what I think will make me feel good, and the hell with everybody else.

Defiant – I feel very defiant in all of this. Goes along with “the hell with everybody else” mentality. I just wanna be a bad girl for a while.

Guilty – I feel incredibly guilty though not guilty enough to stop. I feel guilty because I know what I am doing is wrong, and on top of it I feel guilty that I’m doing it in spite of knowing that it is wrong.

Desperate – This is the overriding feeling that drives me moment to moment, guiding my every action. I feel desperate to find the things that are missing from my life, and even more desperate because deep down I think that having an affair is not necessarily going to help me find those things.

So what are these things that are missing from my life? Because I can definitively say that it is more than the physical act of sex, although that is without doubt one piece that is missing. I answer this by stating what a perfect “rescue” and “rescuer” of me would be like.

I want a man to give me the following:
1. Sex on a regular basis (at least once a week, if not more)
2. Release from the primary breadwinner obligation so I could work in a job that I enjoy without the primary emphasis being salary and health benefits
3. Passion and enthusiasm
4. The feeling that I am desired and cared about as well as loved
5. Hugs and kisses on a daily basis
6. Openness with me about what is going on inside him (does any man ever do this?)
7. Effort at reaching out to me instead of me always having to be the one to reach out

Does a man like this exist? Anywhere? And can I find the things that I’m not getting without a man providing them for me? I don’t know, but it is clear that an affair is not going to meet many of those needs, very few of those needs actually. So am I coming to the conclusion that I will not have an affair? No. I’m not ready to say that. I’m just saying that if I do indeed have another affair and/or continue the affair with J I need to understand that I’m still not going to be happy or even satisfied. There are still missing pieces, yearnings that will go unfulfilled. So what’s the point? Not sure. And maybe that right there IS the point: I’m not sure.

3 comments:

Emily said...

It sounds like you are being quite realistic about this.

Do you think there is any prospect of getting at least some of these things from your marriage, possibly with the help of a counsellor or sex therapist?

trueself said...

Well, I'm trying to be realistic.

And to answer your question, see my comment regarding counselling in the last post.

oldbear said...

Hi Trueself, I do not know if you will ever see this reply to an old post, but here goes.

I am sorry but no one seems to ever tell you these kinds of things pointedly except for stinkypaw.

Yes, of course such men exist. But we are not going to get together with a cheater. Even if morality and character deficiencies in the Lady cheating on her hubby were not an issue, the obvious question of "she cheated on him, why would she not cheat on me?" still is out there.

Now I am only going by what is in your blog and I realize that is not the real you.

I am almost sure if I met you I would like you because I believe you are a pretty good person. But to get involved romantically with someone is a huge step, and most quality men just are not going to do it with a Lady who is as your blog portrays you.

I am sorry to be so pointed, but I think you are misleading yourself by comparing yourself to Emily and Freebird. E is trying very hard to stay together and work it out, despite her anguish and need. FB is trying very hard to be discrete and avoid the ugliness, anguish and hurt you have caused your husband (and you).

I find it curious you describe yourself as fat and nerdy like that is an impediment to Love. Lots of great guys will Love and adore a Lady with these attributs. 2 of my friends are part of such couples. One guy works construction and is built like an Adonis too!

Its the insde stuff that may need fixing to get better class of guy. Maybe I am full of kitty litter, but that is my impressions afte reading your background posts, and hopping thru present to now.

i wish you well, many people just are not matched up as well as others, you may well find happiness with another. Good Luck.

Please feel free to email me if you want to screech at me, I know this is a bit strong.

Sorry OldBear.
ps might he have been using the viagra to masturbate?