Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Strange Dream, Strange Reality

Last night I dreamed about S.
He and I were in a motel room together for the first time. We undressed each other and started to fool around. At some point, I realized N was there. W must have sent him to keep tabs on me. We quickly got up and dressed hoping N hadn’t realized what was going on. We went out and got into someone’s SUV. I was insisting N had to wear his seatbelt, and this ugly toothless guy in the front passenger seat kept making fun of me for it telling me it was unnecessary, that we weren’t going that far. I flew into a rage and yelled at him and told him about a recent crash where investigators said that the only reason the two people in the car survived was because of their seatbelts (I actually did hear this on the radio the other day). The toothless guy and I physically fought over the seatbelt, me trying to buckle N in and him trying to prevent it.
Then I woke up. Strange. Very strange.

I went back to sleep, and woke again about 15 minutes before the alarm was to go off. I snuggled against W and reached around and started to rub him. He moaned and rolled towards me. He was definitely getting harder than he has in a while so I kept working on him. Next thing I knew we were having real intercourse, thrusting and all, for the first time in an awfully long time. It didn’t last long, a minute or two perhaps, and no orgasms were achieved by anyone, and then we just kind of laid there. It felt awkward. Don’t know if it felt awkward to W or just to me. Unlike the last time we did something like this (see this post), there was no feeling of emotional closeness. Unlike the last time, as soon as he started to wilt he rolled off, and we were finished. No more snuggling, no more kissing, no more anything, but just lying there side by side. Strange.
So I got up and showered, starting my day just like always.

9 comments:

Rae'sSecret said...

I think your dream meant you felt guilty, and your deeply concerned about the impact of all of this on your son.

as far as W, It sounds like he has a medical issue and is embarrassed about it. I think you should consider his feelings here.He may be extremly upset that he cannot fullfill his wife's needs.

Why don't you bring it all out into the open, Address his possible medical issue and be understanding and supportive of it. I know he got the pills, but that doesn't ease his dissapointment or embarrassment that he NEEDS them.
Bring it out that you are feeling overwelming unsastified and have thought of affairs.
He may be OK with that. Then you wouldnt have to be sneaking around. If he knows you only pursue these affairs for sex, then he may be just fine with you getting your needs met.
If your looking for a real relationship, then you really should just get divorced and be done with it.

You need to address what you want, a second more ideal marriage, or a successful first one, however that may be accomplished.

I really dont think being completly honest here can be any more harmful than sneaking around. Don't be afraid to take charge and change your life.

Rob said...

In reading all your past blog archives, specifically those entries relating to marriage counseling, you mentioned that W felt that it was only your problem, not his, and that he didn't see the need for seeing a marriage counsellor. At that point it seemed that this ended the idea for you. So my next questions to you today are:
why not go see a marriage counsellor on your own and why not discuss W's medical condition with your own doctor, asking if there might be something else that could be tried (other than him taking meds, which he ignores).

In other words, do you truly feel that you've exhausted all the possibilities within your marriage to make it work and so have decided on an affair as your only coping solution?

trueself said...

Rae,

Yes, W DOES have medical problems that interfere. He and I have discussed it all ad nauseum. I have tried explaining that penetration isn't the biggest thing for me and that there are other ways to express our intimacy. Goodness knows, we've had that conversation many times. Yes, I've told him that I would be very tempted if an opportunity for an affair presented itself. At that point, we basically established the "Don't ask, don't tell" policy. Yet W is not happy thinking that I might go outside for satisfaction. I know that it would hurt him deeply that's why he doesn't want to know if I do something.
I'm not saying I'm doing the right thing here, but I do think I've pretty well done the things you've suggested. Maybe I haven't been totally honest (honey, I'm going to sleep with someone else) but I have let it be known that it is a huge temptation that is difficult to fight.

Rob,
I do see a counsellor on my own. For a short time, so did W. But he announced after a few weeks that he had resolved all his issues and is fine now with no need of further counselling.

No, I haven't talked to my dr. recently about the medical side of this but have in the past. And this isn't the first time he's had a prescription for Viagra. It worked great the first time he had it (when it first went on the market), but again, he was rarely willing to use it and some of the pills expired before he ever got around to using them.
So I guess, yes, I feel like I have exhausted all the avenues I'm willing to exhaust in my efforts to make things better at home.

Stinkypaw said...

Rae, that's the thing with Trueself, she is so very afraid of taking charge and being on her own. Aren't you trueself?

trueself said...

SP,
Yep.

Rae'sSecret said...

Understandable.

Rae'sSecret said...

I have linked to you, please let me know if this ok.

trueself said...

Rae,
Absolutely it's okay.

Emily said...

Its pretty clear that your dream is about your ambivalence about your plans, and worries about whether your son will be at risk from it.