You Had to Know I'd Do This

Because I can just never ever let go when I ought to, and in spite of getting rid of contact info for J last week, you know what's coming, right? You know what I did, right? You know that after three weeks of not hearing from him, it was driving me crazy, right? So you know I emailed him, right? Not from the account that W knows about, but from the secret one I set up (the one I'm also using to set up dates with my Craigslist guys). You knew this was coming, didn't you? Yeah, me too.

And a little backstory for clarification. References in the following emails to Dr. Phil have to do with a while back when I mentioned someone threw us a possible lifeline. A producer from The Dr. Phil show called because I had sent them an email briefly describing my fucked up life. They were possibly interested in doing a show about me, us, the whole mess. However, they only wanted to do it if all parties involved (me, W and J and possibly even T) would appear on the show. W was more than willing (he thinks Dr. Phil could "fix" me). I, of course, wouldn't even have written if I weren't willing. J I wasn't sure about, but didn't think he'd go for it. Of course, in spite of my many pleas he wouldn't go for it so the show was a no go. Oh well. Life's like that. Probably not best to get my 15 minutes of fame that way anyway. I really just wanted to go because I thought maybe, maybe, maybe, Dr. Phil could actually help me find help to get my head on straight.

Okay so now that you're caught up, here is the recent email exchange:



Monday afternoon, my email to J:

J,

Just checking in to see how you're doing. Hadn't heard from you in a while and didn't know if that was a good sign or a bad one. Hope things are working out for you and T. (Liar, liar, pants on fire)

Hope this email gets to you. I'm having to rely on memory for your email address. In a fit of sanity last week, I deleted your email address from all my email accounts and your cell phone number from my cell phone. As you can see, insanity quickly returned, and I wished I hadn't gotten rid of my ways of contacting you.

Anyway, just wanted to say hi and see how things are going.

Love,
Trueself

Monday evening, J's email back to me:

Hi,
Your memory has not been totally lost. You got it right, and you know my cell # is xxx-xxx-xxxx. Anyway, when are you going to your Dr. Phil taping? I for the moment have seemed to have used a seemingly vast array of tactics that have been afforded me from various sources, and thay have gotten me pretty much nowhere. But I keep trudging along hoping for that slight opening to sneak through. I know what you are going to say, but you know me....have to keep trying until all my teeth have been knocked out. Oh well, how are you? Well, gotta go. Talk to you later.

J

Noticing that J had switched from his previous practice of signing emails "Love, J" I replied with the following on Monday night:

J,

No Dr. Phil. They were only interested if we could get everybody involved.

Am I reading too much into the difference in how you signed your email? Are we over now?

Love,
Trueself

Now it is late Wednesday night, and I've had no reply from J. Don't know what that means. Had forgotten all about waiting for his email until just a few minutes ago because I've been busily emailing two of my Craigslist guys -- the one who I thought was shying away from a face-to-face meeting, but who assures me I misinterpreted his intentions and one guy who is only 26 but so far sounds quite interesting. That would certainly be a contrast to W who is about the same amount older than me as this guy is younger. Anyway, been so busy with the Craigslist guys I almost forgot all about J. Cool. . .