Tuesday, September 25, 2007

All the Randomosity That is Mine

  • N’s soccer team lost 3 games and ended one in a tie at their tournament this weekend.

  • The weather was beautiful this weekend, sunny and hot just like I like it. No matter where I go there are idiots who go on and on about wanting fall weather and how wonderful it is, blah, blah, blah. One of them is going to walk away with a black eye one of these days.

  • I have learned that I can bounce from denial to anger to bargaining and back again in oh, I’d say about 30 seconds.

  • If I could just stop checking BJ's blog 20 times a day I’d be in a better place.

  • If I could stop checking my blog’s stats to see if he’s checked my blog (he hasn’t since September 8) I’d be in an even better place.

  • As much as I’m driving myself nuts with all this, I do understand that this is pretty much an inevitable process for me, and I will eventually calm back down to an even keel.

  • Part of me is extremely happy he isn’t checking my blog because I’ve been painfully honest here, and I’m not entirely sure I’d be happy with him reading some things I’ve posted in the last couple of weeks.

  • I made one more huge step (for me) this weekend. I had arranged to meet one of my friends for lunch on Sunday between N’s morning and afternoon soccer games. Instead of asking W if I could, I simply informed him that’s what I would be doing. Okay, so I’ve done similar things recently, but the big step I made was that I didn’t feel rebellious doing it. It is starting to just feel normal not to ask permission to do things. One might even consider this as part of building the foundation for true adulthood.

  • The more conversations I have with women the more convinced I become that (1) I will be able to survive without W, (2) I am not alone in my ambivalence about leaving a long term relationship that has gone bad and (3) I do believe I really am going to get there in my own time, to that place where I can really walk away from him and let him own his decisions on where he goes from there.

And let's top it off with a rhetorical question, shall we? Of course, I knew you'd agree. Thank you.

Why is it the one you don't want will fight tooth and nail to keep you, but the one you do want won't?


Uhave said...

I saw this on another website and it spoke to me in such a way I copied and pasted and saved it on my computer. It speaks volumes:

I know, I know...obstacles, hardships, mistakes give people character when they get through them. I think I have more than enough character for two lifetimes, so please...enough.

I'm sure you can relate to it as I did.

Serenity said...

You really need to remove him from your bookmarks sweetpie, it's the only way to resist temptation. I was in the very same place, every time i saw BF online i had to say hi. He never said hi first, so... once i just gave up and deleted him it was a lot easier to move on.
And if he is not checking your blog, that is another hint too... you gotta take a stand for your own mental health and self-esteem here.

Bunny said...

Ditto to Serenity.

Sorry about N's soccer games. Hope he took it in stride.

I know what you mean about not asking permission and just announcing that you're doing something. When it doesn't feel liberating anymore, just NORMAL, it is a wonderful thing. Almost there myself.

Your rhetorical question is one I've asked myself dozens of times.

P.S. I like fall. Please don't hurt me.

Fiona said...

TS, I don't quite understand. You said there was something he wanted to do, which you couldn't accept. Which was the ultimate deal breaker (after a few others). So has this changed? Now you feel you could accept it?

Why do you expect him to fight for you when you were so adamant that something important to him was so totally and irrevocably unacceptable to you?

I'm having problems understanding why you couldn't come to terms with this issue when you were together, but now he has gone, you are more accepting of his personal choices which you previously said were your deal breakers?

At the end of the day, do you really and truly know what you want hon?

Trueself said...

Uhave - I definitely relate to it.

Serenity - You are right. I haven't done it yet, but I should.

Bunny - N took the losses in stride better than I did. LOL
Glad someone understands the liberation thing. I think people who don't have that issue really don't get it.
Sorry to hear you're one of those "autumn lovers," but I'll try to like you anyway. [wink]

Fiona - I am no more accepting of the dealbreakers now than I was then. That's what I kept hoping for, that he would change his mind about certain things. What is hard for me to accept is that those things aren't going to change. I'm trying, but I do have my fantasies of him coming back and saying that if x is so important to me then he is willing to compromise on it. That isn't happening and isn't going to happen so I am trying hard to let go of the fantasy that it will. As long as I stay in communication with him, the hope is always there with me that he will come around to my way of thinking. Perhaps the same is true for him, that he thought if we stayed in communication I would come around to his way of thinking. The thing is that just isn't happening in either direction, and we are each deluding ourselves by thinking that it will.

freebird said...

Well I can empathise with a lot of your points here. The bouncing between stages, checking of emails and stats, the independence/rebellion thing, and your last point.
Just stay focussed on those dodgy issues and the brick wall of non-compromise for the BJ stuff.
And I ask myself the same rhetorical question all the time!
However, I'm sorry, I've always loved autumn... but maybe not this one!

Trueself said...

FB - Yes, definitely trying to focus on the dodgy issues so that I don't make a fool of myself (again) by throwing myself at him again.