If anything I said here ever indicated that I asked BJ to change in order for us to continue let me just say that I did not. All I ever did was discuss with him things that I didn't know for sure from a long distance to make sure I was clear on things. Everyone has their own deal breakers. I have mine, and he has his. We aren't on the same page about certain things. It doesn't mean either of us is right or wrong. It just means we're different. . . and not a good match. And that's okay, but it's painful because we gave our hearts so freely to one another and in many ways we were a good fit. It isn't easy to give up what we had, but we would be fooling ourselves if we tried to continue. It certainly isn't fair of me to ask him to wait for me to find my way out of this marriage.
What's hardest for me to admit here is that even without the marriage in our way, even without N being my highest priority, we just aren't the right people for each other. I don't like how I feel when he does certain things, and I know I would eventually become a nag about them. He doesn't like when I talk about suicide. I talk about it but would never do it. It's just that I do believe that death is the only way out of certain situations. However, only God gets to decide when it's my time to go so I'm not going to off myself no matter what I may ever say, but it bothers him that I talk about it as even a possibility. Eventually, that would probably cause more friction. No relationship is friction free, but I do believe that there are certain deal breakers that each person has. Everyone's deal breakers are different, but they are legitimite for them for they know themselves better than anyone and know what they cannot tolerate.
Do I think BJ is awful? No, far from it. I think he is a wonderful caring man that will make a wonderful husband for the right wife. I just don't happen to be that woman as much as I wish it were so.
Okay, told you I'd be blathering a lot here as I try to work through all of this.
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6 comments:
I'm sorry, hon. Don't know what else to say, really! I was composing my own blog entries in my head this AM, but chose to get the hell outta the house & get in a short ride (better than nuthin').
Long-distance hugs & prayers surging through cyberspace...
...seems like you are your own worse enemy.
Val - Thanks pal, I appreciate any and all hugs and prayers you can offer.
JB - Ah, an astute and insightful comment as always. Thank you.
We do all have our deal breakers as you say. It's better to find out now then once you're together, thinking all is good when in fact things aren't, no?
As for talking about suicide, from experience, it is emotional blackmail. You may not mean it that way, but for the listener it is. It creates a "tension" that isn't pleasant to be around. I can't blame BJ for not being comfortable when you talk about it. I know how he feels and it's not good. There's so much more I could say on this...
Thinking back -- I feel in my heart now that MY ex's suicide threats were, at the time, nothing but blackmail... Of course I was in a constant low-grade panic at the time (imagine yourself in my shoes: 5, 6, then 7 mos PG) so I HAD to take it seriously. It's exquisitely painful to think of your loved one harming him/herself & feeling powerless to prevent it.
SP - Much better to learn these things now, yes.
SP & Val - You know, I've never thought of the suicide thing that way before. I don't threaten that I'm going to commit suicide ever but just talk about it as about the only way out of certain situations. However, I can see how the one hearing it might not differentiate that.
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