Tuesday, September 18, 2007

It’s All the Rage

Hello, blog dwellers. Welcome to my world. It’s a lovely place filled with happy people everywhere. Yes everybody is just happy, happy, happy.

Oh wait. No, that’s just the façade I put on each day. That has nothing whatsoever to do with how I really feel. What I really feel is anger and rage. Grief stage #2. It’s a classic. Yes, Dreaming Trueself (DTS) has fallen from the canoe into the river of denial, washed ashore, and is mad at the injustice of the situation.

DTS: I’m mad that the forces that are in the world won’t allow BJ to find the perfect job near here, and he won’t move unless he finds it.
Realistic Trueself (RTS): BJ’s career is important to him. He can’t take just any job just to be with you. That is a very unrealistic expectation.
DTS: Well, I’m mad that even if he did find a job near here it wouldn’t solve all our problems.
RTS: Every relationship has problems. You can’t blame him for your shortcomings.
DTS: Okay, fine, but I’m mad that W won’t just leave the way I want him to leave. He’s making me choose between having him take off for parts unknown or stay with him forever, and that makes it harder for me to leave him so that I would be free if BJ ever was close enough to have a real relationship.
RTS: Don’t let W hold you hostage. If he chooses to fuck up his relationship with N you can’t prevent that. You can only control you not him. Call his bluff. Tell him to move on.
DTS: Damn it! You’re making me mad with all your logical, rational shit. Go talk to someone else.
RTS: I can’t. I’m you. You’re stuck with me. Neener, neener.
DTS: Shut up!
RTS: I’m just you. Seems like you can’t shut yourself up.
DTS: Oh fine. So I’m also mad that I’m not going to get to see BJ this weekend all because of the stupid bleeping coach of N’s soccer team screwing us over with the team reassignment.
RTS: Ah, but in fact you probably shouldn’t see BJ again anyway. You really just need to make a clean break of it, and move on. If you really think about it, everybody in this mess ought to move on, and get on with their real life. Stop treading water and just move on.
DTS: But I want BJ. I want a life with him, and I am furious that I am not going to have that with him. Furious!
RTS: You’re the one that broke it off remember? You’re the one that said here are the deal breakers. He’s just the one that offered nothing that changed anything you said. He’s the one that agreed with each point you made, and told you he could understand why you feel as you do. You saw the situation for what it is. Now you have to accept it.
DTS: Fuck you!
RTS: You’re welcome. You aren’t going to rattle me with your anger. It is what it is. See you soon when you head into the bargaining stage. I always love a bargain. . .


EDIT (11:00 a.m.)
I really am in a full on rage today. God help anybody who sets me off today. In spite of being fully aware of it, and understanding the causes of it, I feel very little control over it. I am just one big raging bitch today. I really want to go yell and scream and punch and kick and just have me a good old temper tantrum somewhere. Please, dear God, let my poor innocent coworkers sense that today is not the day to bug me.


Val said...

Cute, cute, cute! (Love your little inner dialogue)
But I must warn you; my ex's lawyer tried to make a case for me having MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder) when I referred to myself in the 3rd person in some of my diary entries... Now ain't THAT a laugh!?!
Have you heard from Coach about the Soccer Debacle?? that was some unbelievable shit too!!! Poor N!

Unspoken Drama said...

I couldn't help but laugh out loud as I read this post. I am truly scared at how much alike we really are. That conversation has been overheard in my head (different names of course) more times than I care to admit. I wonder if we're twins separated at birth? Hang in there, girlfriend. It'll all work out for you. This coming from the girl who is hanging by a thread of sanity at this very moment.


Bunny said...

My two voices are RationalBunny and EmotionalBunny - and sometimes the two never get along. A lot of "fuck you" back and forth.

Only a tiny bit of advice: Keep the W and BJ situations separate in your mind. You have to do what you have to do with W, regardless of BJ being in your life or not. Don't leave W with your eye on a life with BJ, because then if you don't get that life you'll regret leaving W. Don't stay with W because you can't have BJ - staying where you are miserable is no consolation. Give yourself the chance to be happy, whether that is with BJ or alone or with someone you have yet to meet.

(I know - I need to take my own advice)

Trueself said...

So glad I've entertained you all today. I found it rather entertaining to write. Better to laugh than cry I always say.

Val - We'll be meeting with the coach tomorrow after practice. I'm sure it will be a postworthy conversation.

Drama - We do seem to be living parallel lives. We just may have to get together one of these days and have a mutual pity party. :-)

Bunny - Keeping them separate, yes, I know, I try, I often struggle to do so, but yes they do need to be separate decisions. See? This is why they say you shouldn't be involved with more than one at a time. Much too complicated. . .