This may sound weird, but I would love to have the following arrangement with W. We would sell our house and buy two condos in the same complex, or perhaps a duplex, where we could each maintain our own home and lead lives independent of one another, but would still be near enough to help each other. W would continue to care for N during the day as he does now, we would on most days all have dinner together, and N would spend the evening with me and sleep at my place. We would trade off watching N for each other when one of us wanted to go out with friends or on dates. I would help W with remembering to take his meds and keep various appointments. W would help me by running various errands like taking the car in for service. We would do our best not to interfere in each other's lives, allowing each other to have their own social life. This would all work for me, but I fear it would not work well for W. He would not want to live separate lives. Indeed, if he could, he would spend 24/7 with me. I feel smothered.
I still feel pretty much the same way. I wish there were a way that W and I could remain friends, still coparent N, but divorce and lead independent lives. I wouldn't even mind if W stayed in the guest room. I guess I want a different kind of a family, a different kind of living situation, from the norm. I want my freedom. I could see us setting up a schedule to which we would each agree that would cover when each of us was responsible for N. When it was my turn, I'd know I had to be there for N whether at home or taking him out doing something. When it was W's turn, I would have the freedom to come and go as I please. Of course, this would then also work in the reverse giving W freedom also. Living together but not together. We would not be required to keep each other apprised of our whereabouts, our comings and goings. We would simply live in the same realm but without the connections that are stifling me right now. We would be friends, housemates, but without the confines that currently restrict so much that I want to do and who I want to be.
I'm pretty darn sure this fantasy couldn't turn into reality. Oh, but if it could what a wonderful world it would be.
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And in other realms, I am fighting an urge, an urge to write BJ a quick email or text message wishing him luck on his interview today. It seems like such a nice kind little gesture. However, I know it is just opening that little crack in the door to do so. Instead, I'm just blogging about and hoping the urge passes without me succumbing to it. Strength, Lord, give me strength.
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5 comments:
Ah but is it such a fairytale? Have you actually tried suggesting it to W? Surely it would be better for him than splitting completely and would be easier on your conscience too. It's something like what Mr B and I are working towards and he seems to have accepted the idea - in theory anyway, which is a start. Maybe living too close might make you tend to be a bit self-conscious - I mean, would you feel comfortable bringing someone home if you thought that W knew, for example? Just a thought. But I think you should try suggesting it. Could you bring it up in a counselling session perhaps? What have you got to lose?
Ah but is it such a fairytale?
I don't know, perhaps. It seems a bit farfetched but one never knows unless one tries.
Have you actually tried suggesting it to W?
No, I haven't.
...would you feel comfortable bringing someone home if you thought that W knew, for example?
No, I would not, but then I wouldn't feel comfortable with N there either. I've always known that any dating I would do would have to be away from N until I met someone that I was sure I wanted to have in my life long term. So I could date when it was W's turn to be responsible for N, but I'd not be inviting suitors over to the house.
But I think you should try suggesting it. Could you bring it up in a counselling session perhaps?
Perhaps I could bring it up there or even this weekend maybe while W and I have a bit of free time when N is with his friends at the soccer tournament between games. It depends on the mood of the moment.
What have you got to lose?
When it comes right down to it, not a thing. Perhaps he would be angry and hurt but then we've been there before. Perhaps he would insist on going ahead and leaving which would actually not be such a bad thing even though I'd have to get up to speed on running the household more than I've been.
So yes, perhaps I ought to just go ahead and throw it out there and see how it goes.
Yanno it's not really all that fantasy like. It's actually pretty close to what JD and I are working towards. Difference being, we'll be in separate households but in the same neighborhood/school district for S to be able to stay with whomever he chooses (or we choose I should say). I agree with you on the fact that N not be exposed to anyone you are dating unless it's a very serious relationship. That's exactly what I am doing as far as Bug is concerned. There is no reason to add another adult into his life and potentially confuse him further.
Girlfriend, we are living parallel lives in many ways. Know that I know what you are going through.
Drama
Drama - Oh yes, we have many similarities. The big difference, however, is that at least you've made that step to split from JD while I'm still sitting here floundering with W.
Stay Strong TS - you know it's for the best :-)
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