This may sound weird, but I would love to have the following arrangement with W. We would sell our house and buy two condos in the same complex, or perhaps a duplex, where we could each maintain our own home and lead lives independent of one another, but would still be near enough to help each other. W would continue to care for N during the day as he does now, we would on most days all have dinner together, and N would spend the evening with me and sleep at my place. We would trade off watching N for each other when one of us wanted to go out with friends or on dates. I would help W with remembering to take his meds and keep various appointments. W would help me by running various errands like taking the car in for service. We would do our best not to interfere in each other's lives, allowing each other to have their own social life. This would all work for me, but I fear it would not work well for W. He would not want to live separate lives. Indeed, if he could, he would spend 24/7 with me. I feel smothered.
I still feel pretty much the same way. I wish there were a way that W and I could remain friends, still coparent N, but divorce and lead independent lives. I wouldn't even mind if W stayed in the guest room. I guess I want a different kind of a family, a different kind of living situation, from the norm. I want my freedom. I could see us setting up a schedule to which we would each agree that would cover when each of us was responsible for N. When it was my turn, I'd know I had to be there for N whether at home or taking him out doing something. When it was W's turn, I would have the freedom to come and go as I please. Of course, this would then also work in the reverse giving W freedom also. Living together but not together. We would not be required to keep each other apprised of our whereabouts, our comings and goings. We would simply live in the same realm but without the connections that are stifling me right now. We would be friends, housemates, but without the confines that currently restrict so much that I want to do and who I want to be.
I'm pretty darn sure this fantasy couldn't turn into reality. Oh, but if it could what a wonderful world it would be.
And in other realms, I am fighting an urge, an urge to write BJ a quick email or text message wishing him luck on his interview today. It seems like such a nice kind little gesture. However, I know it is just opening that little crack in the door to do so. Instead, I'm just blogging about and hoping the urge passes without me succumbing to it. Strength, Lord, give me strength.