1: the act, process, or state of being justified by God
2 a: the act or an instance of justifying : VINDICATION b: something that justifies
3: the process or result of justifying lines of text
Middle English justifien, from Anglo-French or Late Latin; Anglo-French justifier, from Late Latin justificare, from Latin justus
1 a: to prove or show to be just, right, or reasonable b (1): to show to have had a sufficient legal reason (2): to qualify (oneself) as a surety by taking oath to the ownership of sufficient property
2 a archaic : to administer justice to b archaic : ABSOLVE c: to judge, regard, or treat as righteous and worthy of salvation
3 a: to space (as lines of text) so that the lines come out even at the margin b: to make even by justifying
1 a: to show a sufficient lawful reason for an act done b: to qualify as bail or surety
2: to justify lines of text
: the act or an instance of making excuses for oneself
It’s funny how writing can go from the intention of heading down one path to actually heading in a completely different direction. That is what has happened to me already even though I’ve barely started this, but I started by looking up the textbook definition of “justification” which led me to looking up the definition of “self-justification.”
Now I believe that part of my problem in life is the difficulty I have in sorting out true justification for my actions as opposed to self-justification of my actions. I think I always suspect myself of the latter no matter the circumstances. I think of myself as a despicable deceitful human being and tend to think the worst of myself. Therefore, any justification I make for anything I do must be self-justification, or an instance of making excuses for oneself, simply as a matter of course. At least in my mind that is how things are. Now with that backdrop in place is it any wonder that I don’t trust myself to make sound decisions? Is it any wonder that I feel great guilt and the need for someone else’s approval of my actions in order to feel that what I do is okay? The one person that I can’t convince of my “okayness” is me. Maybe I know me too well. Or maybe, perhaps, I’m too hard on myself.
I started to write this post as my rationale behind the justification of my behaviors the last couple of years and of my contemplated action of ending the marriage. Then it occurred to me as I read the definitions above that no matter what I say, no matter what justification I try to put here, I will always know that it is merely self-justification without merit. No matter how persuasive the argument may be, it will not be enough. The reason it will not be enough is because I know me too well. I know what a deceitful hateful rotten bitch I can be. I know all about my lies and manipulations and half-truths and sneakiness and just all-around untrustworthiness. I know my deepest darkest thoughts. How can I know all that and NOT feel that any attempt at justification, that is at proving my actions to be just, right and reasonable, would simply be self-justification, or making excuses for myself?
Yep, this post took an entirely different turn then I expected when I started.