Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Excuses, But Trying One More Time

I’m full of excuses. I’ve got a million of them, handy dandy for any occasion. Yep, a million excuses. So what are my real reasons? What am I hiding with those excuses? What am I so afraid of that I refuse to look at it, to see it and recognize it for what it is?

The answer to that is that I don’t know. I do not know what it is that is blocking me from being real, from acknowledging whatever that truth is in there tucked away deep in my psyche. I do know that it is there though. I do know that there is something so scary to me that I refuse to go there to allow myself to see it. I’ve tried and I’m continuing to try, but so far it has me stymied. What I wouldn’t give to have that thing shaken free, whatever it is, whatever has me scared to the core of my being. After all, how bad can it be? Obviously, it must be pretty overwhelming to keep me stuck for so long.

I am scared. I know that much. As in scared to the point of incapacitation. Afraid to move in any direction. Afraid to look you in the eye when I speak to you. Afraid you’ll see whatever it is. Afraid you’ll know. Know what? Whatever that unspeakable unthinkable thing is. Afraid you will hate me for whatever it is. Do other people feel this way, or is it just me? And why is it so much easier to ignore it, whatever it is, when I’m shored up by having a relationship? Why do I need that? Why am I doing this to myself? It always comes back to this. Always. Every single time. Over and over through the years. There is something out there holding me back from being a real genuine person.

Trying One More Time

I must accept that BJ and I are over. We are over. We are finished. We tried, and it didn’t work out. We must move on. We must leave one another behind to leave ourselves open to better things. If I say it often enough will I believe it? Maybe in time. I hate this part of it, the part where I fight to regain a foothold, a toehold, anything at all to stay connected. I do it every time. Like Stinkypaw said in a recent comment I’ve been here before just last year. Same song, different guy. When will I learn to put up the defenses and not let anyone in where they can hurt me? Yes, I know how that last question sounds. Yes, I know. I know, I know, I know. It is easy to understand though why people don’t let anyone in, to protect against the hurt. Truly I don’t let many people in for that very reason. I try and try to protect myself, to wall myself away from the world, but always someone breaks through. I start to long for a connection so badly that I open myself completely, allow myself to care, only to get squashed one more time. Hmm, maybe the answer is to open myself just a little to a whole lot of people. Then again, that sounds really scary too.

So I’m trying. Trying to allow myself time to get over this. Trying not to get in a hurry to get my life turned around. Trying to talk myself out of becoming a hermit. Trying to stop making excuses so I can find and fix the real problem. Trying, trying, trying one more time. Gotta try just one more time.

And in the meantime, let's sit back and enjoy a little tune by Bowling for Soup:


Karin's Korner said...

Hang in there my friend, it is bound to get better. Might take a while but I promise eventually it will. Whether you decide to stay or leave, it is up to you and only you can make that decision. We will stand beside you whatever you decide, just do what is best for you!!!

Trueself said...

Karin - It is actually already starting to get a bit better, not a lot, but a bit. As hard as it is to walk away from the relationship with BJ, it was harder when we had only semi walked away. As long as we still communicated I kept holding out hope that somehow things would change, but they didn't and they weren't going to. Yeah, I'm getting better.

Karin's Korner said...

I am so glad that you saw that before you ended up moving with him or something like that. You are getting better, you know in your heart that it just would not have worked and you made the correction. I am proud of you. I am also sorry that it did not work. I know that you worked on this relationship and I know how much you really wanted for it to work.

Trueself said...

Karin - Thank you for your support. There is still a part of me that wants to believe it could have worked, but I know that is just the wishful thinking part. Sigh. . .