Bargaining started when I received an email today from BJ. I had asked him in an email earlier in the day asking the following:
What are you hoping is going to happen here? Why, in your opinion, are we still communicating with one another?
What did I expect him to say? I guess I was still thinking that there would be something he would offer me that would allow us to work towards a relationship together (see there’s that denial sneaking back in for a bit), or that he would tell me something, what I have no idea, that would make things all better.
Anyway, I got his reply. It wasn’t at all what I wanted to hear. It was very clear that in his mind we are over, pure and simple. But he ended with “I will always love you [Trueself].” My first thoughts flew to what if I did this or changed that or made this concession or, or, or. . . (and really, it's just too embarassing even to admit to myself some of the bargains that ran through my head) Trying to bargain my way out of it. The good news is that I stopped myself before I replied to his email with any of those bargains I wanted to strike. No, there is no bargain good enough, big enough, whole enough to make this right. There just isn’t. Damn it. Also, now I think he’s going back on something that he said he would help me handle. When he offered I told him he was being way too nice to me, but he disagreed and continued to hold out that offer. Now it sounds like the offer has been taken back. So I’m on my own, really and truly on my own to deal with something. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it! (Oops, guess that anger isn’t exactly gone yet either.)
Could I make a bigger mess of my life if I tried harder? I think not. Okay, the anger stage isn’t gone. No. It’s still here. Larger than life. I think I need to go home and punch a pillow. . . really hard. . . several times. . . and yell. . . really loudly. Fortunately, I have time to do that as soon as I leave work and before I go to meet with the soccer coach.
Poor soccer coach. Having to deal with me today. Poor man. Please pray for him.