Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Heart Troubles

BJ contacted me tonight on IM. My heart stopped, thinking maybe something was different, maybe something had changed. I couldn't have been more wrong. Apparently, he really just isn't that into me. He was happy to have friendly conversation apparently unaware that everytime we do that it rips a new hole in my heart. So I told him. I told him that with every contact we have it reopens the wound. As long as we are unable to compromise with one another on certain issues then we have to admit that the love is not strong enough I said to him, and he agreed that the love between us is not strong enough to overcome certain barriers.

I told him we have to stop communicating with one another because it is hurting me too much to continue doing so. He agreed that he did not want to prolong my pain so he agreed to end all contact with me. I know, in my head, that this is the very best thing. My heart, however, is not so convinced.

Now with just about anyone else I'd be wondering how quickly he'd crack and contact me. Not with BJ. I know he won't. It's just not in his character to let his emotions rule over his thoughts. Once he stated that he would no longer contact me I knew with certainty that he would live up to that.

Well, guess I better get to bed now so I can toss and turn without sleeping for a few hours.


freebird said...

"I told him that with every contact we have it reopens the wound."

Oh dear Trueself, I do so understand - been there myself and know how much it hurts. I'm so sorry.

And I know this will sound hollow just now, but you were right not to let the passion blind you to those issues. They were bound to come between you more and more. Painful as it is now, you know you've done the right thing.

Sending hugs and a virtual downy feather bed to help you sleep softly.

Trueself said...

FB - Yes, I do know that I've done the right thing. At least in my head I do, althought my heart isn't happy with my head in the least right now!

Thanks for the hugs. And how did you ever know that feather beds are my absolute favorite? Oh that's right, we are living the same life in parallel universes. LOL

Bunny said...

My heart aches for you.

Anonymous said...

I know this may sound strange, but I think it is a good thing that you know he'll do what he said. I think for me, someone who says they'll stay away, but keeps coming back would be even more difficult than one who either says they will stay away and do, or one who says they will stay but then don't. I guess I am weird that way.

Trueself said...

Bunny - Thanks pal. It's getting better.

SM - I definitely think it is a good that I know he'll do what he said. It removes the uncertainty of it, and that keeps me from hoping for things that aren't going to happen.

freebird said...

Yes, I'm afraid I've got one of those who say they'll leave me alone then don't. Every time they do, heart goes up, brain goes into retreat, then heart comes crashing down and brain comes out and goes, 'ner ner n'ner ner'. :-(

Trueself said...

FB - I'm so sorry you've got one like that. I do believe that I am lucky (though I don't always feel that way!) that BJ is staying away.