Saturday, September 08, 2007

Reality Sucks

Okay, I have been thinking about this, seriously, very very seriously, for about two weeks. Red flags were definitely there, and had been for a while. I had done my best to ignore them, to bury them, to convince myself that love would conquer. Then it occurred to me. Haven't I done this before? Haven't I thought that love would get me through only to find out that love in and of itself just isn't enough? Why yes, yes I have. As a matter of fact, that's how some 20 years ago I ended up married to a man almost 30 years my elder, the man I can't seem to bring myself to abandon in his twilight years.

Hmm, well surely this time will be different. No, not really. If I flash forward 3-5 years, both of us divorced, both of us finally in the same location (oh and there's no guarantee that will ever happen), and us married to one another here's the vision I have: married to a man who drinks beer in an amount that may be quite acceptable in society but is excessive in my prudish frame of mind, who wants to go out and have fun while my idea of a great night is snuggling together at home ignoring the outside world, who doesn't spend time with N trying to do stepdad stepson things. Would this be better than what I have now, worse, an even trade? Not sure. No guarantees in this life.

Is there any man out there that would be a really good match for me? Oh probably. Somewhere there is probably a man in my age range who thinks having one or two drinks a month is good, who likes to hang out at home with his sweetie, who wants to help raise a son not his own, who accepts me for who I am. Will I meet him? I don't know. Maybe I will, maybe I won't.

So what to do? I don't know. Then again, I think that right now isn't the right time to make that decision. The emotions are too raw, the pain too fresh. I need to chill out for a bit, take a few deep breaths, not think too hard for a while. I may blog a lot though because this is the only place I have where I can dump all the shit out of my head. I have lots of contradictory thoughts running through my head, and maybe things will become more clear if I write it out.

Oh well, one good thing happened today. The Illini beat the Western Illinois Leathernecks 21-0, and we were there to see it even though it meant sitting in the rain. N being his usual gregarious self made about half a dozen new friends in the seats around us. And we saw Trent Meacham on the way out of the stadium. Not only did we see him but N high fived him and talked to him for a minute. They're buddies ever since Illini summer basketball camp.

8 comments:

Bunny said...

I was at Six Flags Great America this weekend and every time I saw Illini stuff, I thought of you.

John said...

There are lots of men "your age" that enjoy drinking one or two drinks per month, including me. Many of us who have "settled down" and enjoy doing things at home with the family. I can't speak to the issue of raising a step-son, but at the right age, I think the expectation is that most women a man would meet is likely to have children from a prior marriage, so at the very least, they would be accepting.
Sorry this one wasn't the one.

Trueself said...

Bunny - Well most people think of me when they see Illini stuff. I am after all the ultimate Illini fan.

John - Yes, I'm pretty sure there would be someone out there that would be a better match. Not gonna go looking for a while though. Just gonna coast for now.

Al Laddin said...

Oh Maaaan...

Stinkypaw said...

I don't read you for a few days and come back to this... Man! I feel for you. Really. Despite our different views you know I do, right?

I agree with you that you do need time to lick your wounds and let the dust settle a bit.

Trueself said...

Al - I know, I feel the same.

SP - Yes I know that you care. We don't have to see eye to eye to care.

D said...

TS - Maybe you should focus on it just being you and N for a while. Then once that is totally fine a man will want to be part of it. And yes the men you describe do exist and will be turned on by your looks personality and intellect.

Trueself said...

D - Thank you. Yes, I intend to slow down for a while. Not exactly my style, but we'll see how long I can hold to my resolve. It does help that my self esteem is ever so slowly rising and bringing me to a place where I don't feel as desperate about situations anymore.