Thursday, September 20, 2007

I’m Dying Here

OMG, could I be any more stupid? No, I think not. I went into full bargaining mode this morning and sent the most pathetic email in the world to BJ begging for us to reconcile. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Damn, I’ve been so good until now, spewing all my nonsense here on the blog and behaving myself in real life, and now I just blow it all in one big ridiculous email. There is no answer he can give but “No, it’s over. Leave me alone.” Did I feel that I needed to force that, to make him so miserable he had no choice to but to cut me off? Yeah, apparently I did.

Oh dear God, I really don’t want to read his reply if he sends one. Please, please, please if there are internet gods out there, please let my earlier email to BJ be lost in the ether somewhere, never to arrive in his inbox.

He got the email and sent a reply. It took me a while to open it and read it. He is a kind man, a gentle man, a gentleman. He acts with more dignity than anyone else I've ever known. He said what needed to be said but in such a kind and gentle way how could I possibly be angry? I can't. Only sad. Very very sad. How many tears do you suppose it will take to get through this? Just rhetorical, no prizes for those who come closest without going over the actual number.


D said...

TS - Not stupid as it can always be rescinded anyway - perhaps just made you feel a bit foolish and sad that you weren't strong enough to stay away from him. Cheer yourself up and go and play with N - laugh yourself better girl ;-)

Trueself said...

I don't think I can rescind it. According to the help screen I can only recall the message if the recipient is also on Outlook, and he's not. I did go ahead and try though. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Uhave said...

My last BF and I went through a period of about a year where our break-up (him moving out even) didn't seem to quite 'take'. I wasn't married and he wasn't married so I know it's not the same as you and BJ, but it's the closest thing I got to compare myself to your situation. We went through a period of not talking/emailing but then something would happen and we'd open the lines of communication again hoping to rekindle something that was good in our relationship while at the same time forgetting all the bad things that caused our break-up to begin with. Eventually, the old saying showed itself to me to be true: Time heals all wounds. Ok, maybe not ALL wounds but at least the ones where he was concerned. Don't beat yourself up, you're human. No one here in Blogland thinks you're a pathetic loser because you tried to hold onto something in your life that made you happy, even though ultimately that same thing is not going to make you happy in the long term.

Stinkypaw said...

This reminds me of something I've read last year... when you were on and off with J... history repeating? Or am I having a flash back?!

Trueself said...

Uhave - Thank you.

SP - Touché, and yes I had seen that similarity myself.

freebird said...

Oh my god, TS, so many parallels between us just now. I know just how you feel, I've done it myself - feeling like I've thrown off every scrap of dignity in a last effort to save something that doesn't want to be saved. Sorry, I'm not being very positive for you here, am I?!!! Well perhaps the two of us should get back in those canoes and paddle out of this lake of friggin' tears together!

Trueself said...

FB - Maybe not positive, but very reassuring in that I'm not alone in my dilemma. I'm just simply human, doing what humans do in these kinds of situations, as are you my friend.

Back to the canoes!