Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Floating Down an Egyptian River

Yes, I am in the denial stage right now, floating happily along. I’ve convinced myself that given time, given a chance to think things through, that BJ and I will both come to our senses, realize we cannot live without one another, and we’ll both make adjustments to accommodate the other person’s expectations, living happily ever after.

As I write this it is as though there are two parts to me, Rational Trueself and Dreaming Trueself, having the following internal dialogue.

Rational Trueself (RTS): Yes, this is just the denial phase. I’ll get through it and move on through the rest of the grief process.
Dreaming Trueself (DTS): But it could happen. It really could. I’m not deluding myself.
RTS: Yes, you are, and if you’ll just wait it out you’ll see that I’m right. I will proceed through the stages of grief and eventually come out the other side.
DTS: No! I know he loves me. I know he wants us to be together. It’s just those silly practicalities keeping us apart.
RTS: Aha! See you admit it. It is completely impractical to think that he and I can be together.
DTS: No, no, you don’t understand. I will leave W someday, I will. Really. BJ will find a job close by, he will. Really. And then we could come back together in the future and live out our lives together in blissful harmony. It could happen. Really it could.
RTS: Sure. I’m thinking no, but there’s no convincing you of that right now. Keep on paddling down the river of denial. I give up. I’ll be waiting for you when the canoe tips over. Then we can discuss your anger. . .

Oh worry not, the maniacal ranting is not over. I've barely even started. . . Oh but I warned you, I did, that I'd write like a fiend as I try to sort this out. It's my way of processing.


freebird said...

Oh these sound JUST like the head v heart arguments going on inside me all the time.

Can I just chip in on the purple side?... BJ will no longer have any desire to drink or gamble and will love nothing better than endless cosy nights in with his one true love and her little boy.

Trueself said...

FB - Ah, pulling your canoe right up alongside mine, are you? Well, let's just enjoy the ride shall we?