Ha! A real sign of me exiting the denial stage of this grief process is finally being able to admit to the straw that broke the camel's back of the relationship. Yes, I've finally come around to admitting it to myself.
I can't share much of it here due to respecting BJ's privacy. It is a subject about which he should choose whether or not to share. I have no right to violate his privacy by sharing it here. Let me just say that several times he brought up a topic that he was exploring that I tried to ignore. When he would bring it up I would try to gently persuade him that it was not the right course of action, but never drew a line in the sand thinking he should come to his own decision. It was something I felt strongly that nobody should do, yet it is something which is somewhat controversial having it's proponents as well as opponents. Finally, one day not so very long ago he brought it up yet again, was going to be talking to a professional about it and seriously considering it. My heart pounded. I could no longer stay silent on the subject and told him that I would have to seriously think about what he was saying because that particular thing had always been a deal breaker to me. I could tell he was hurt that I couldn't be happy and supportive of him in this.
So that's it. That's the real deal breaker. All those other things, they're all valid reasons too, but this one thing, this was the straw that broke the camel's back. If later, I find out that he chooses not to go through with it, that after learning all about it he decides it isn't for him, I might have a change of heart about our chances. But for right now I am very angry that he would consider an action that I consider to be all about vanity and too dangerous to risk. For all my squawking about the other issues, it is this one that even Dreaming Trueself can't get around, can't find an excuse for, or a way to reconcile in my mind. As scary as he found my talk of suicide is how I find his talk of this action. And even if we aren't ever together again, I pray fervently that all will go well with him particularly if he chooses this course of action.
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4 comments:
If it's what I think it is, doesn't it have as much to do with health as vanity? Why are you so adamant that this is the one deal-breaker?
I'll admit I found myself mute during the 'suicide' posts, for good reason, I lived with a person who talked about it, who made three attempts and who I rescued two of those times. I've lived it and would never wish to be near anyone like that again, it's far too hard.
But now, with all you two have been through, TS, can't talking and respecting individual decisions and supporting those, be part of your relationship?
It just seems you have been together through thick and thin and now there may be possibilities ahead, they are slipping from your grasp.
Fiona - Nope, it's a deal breaker, an absolute iron clad deal breaker for me. I will refrain from further discussion on the topic here for fear I've already divulged too much, but expect an email from me later today. I would very much appreciate a discussion of the issue and receiving a different point of view.
Maybe I should be reading BJ's blog. Otherwise, I'm guessing a nose job or lipo (if its really about vanity). Not worth losing a relationship over, so maybe its something else....
You know, I think I just said too much in this post, coming too close to violating BJ's privacy. I shouldn't do that, and I also don't want people trying to guess at what the action is.
Thinking about removing this post. . .
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