Messing up His Good Thing

So W spent yesterday so completely and totally not helping his case with me.

The decision to stay or go with W is separate from the decision that BJ isn't the right one. Here I am thinking about things, not thinking too hard because I want to make the decision with the same well thought out rational thinking that led to my last decision (the one about which I am still in denial, thankyouverymuch) so just kind of mulling options.

My first thoughts were that without BJ waiting for me there was no reason not to just stay with W, care for him for the remainder of his life and see if I couldn't have a bit of a life for myself later. I hadn't really decided that for sure, but it was kind of my Plan A, the one I saw as most reasonable and realistic.

Then yesterday happened. He just spent his entire day pissing me off with one thing after another. Some of it was little stuff, things that probably wouldn't annoy me on a good day, but combining them throughout the day with a couple of big things just sent me over the edge. By late afternoon I was looking up local divorce attorneys (since I can't use the one I had before because I'm in a different state now). My biggest complaint? Although HE is the parent he allows N to bully him. It drives me absolutely freaking nuts!! It isn't doing N any good either.

I was set. I was ready. I was going to just kick his ass out the door. However, because I try to minimize the amount of marital crap that N witnesses I was going to do it either during our phone call with our counselor or right after N went to bed which would be very soon after the end of the call. I started to bring it up during the call and the counselor talked me down. . . I wussed out AGAIN!!!! OMG!!!! I agreed to give him one more chance. How the fuck many chances am I going to give this man?

In other somewhat related news, I've been chatting with BJ daily since we broke up. I'm thinking that's helping me continue to live in denial, although I'll be the first to admit I'm hurt by the stilted tone of our conversations which may bring me to the anger stage sooner rather than later. I know, I know, WTF is wrong with me?!? Sorry Trueself fans, if you thought I had come around to dealing with this situation all logical and rational and shit then you just don't know me very well. (I wrote that sentence with poor grammar on purpose, kind of as a form of emphasis and then was afraid people might not "get" what I was doing so then I decided I either had to correct the grammar or explain it here which is really lame because everyone knows if you have to explain it the desired effect has not been achieved so maybe you didn't get that I deliberately turned this into a run on sentence so if you aren't getting it then you really don't understand my weird sense of humor and maybe you ought to just consider moving on by clicking on Next Blog up there in the navigation bar, 'k? Thanks.)

BTW, can you tell I'm writing this disjointed missive in the middle of the night because (a) I can't sleep and (b) the Big Brother final HOH competition round one may never end and I really really wanted to see who wins before I go to bed? Oh well, guess I'll have to give it up and go to bed anyway. Here's hoping Evil Dick can hang on to beat Zach. Go Donatos!