Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Messing up His Good Thing

So W spent yesterday so completely and totally not helping his case with me.

The decision to stay or go with W is separate from the decision that BJ isn't the right one. Here I am thinking about things, not thinking too hard because I want to make the decision with the same well thought out rational thinking that led to my last decision (the one about which I am still in denial, thankyouverymuch) so just kind of mulling options.

My first thoughts were that without BJ waiting for me there was no reason not to just stay with W, care for him for the remainder of his life and see if I couldn't have a bit of a life for myself later. I hadn't really decided that for sure, but it was kind of my Plan A, the one I saw as most reasonable and realistic.

Then yesterday happened. He just spent his entire day pissing me off with one thing after another. Some of it was little stuff, things that probably wouldn't annoy me on a good day, but combining them throughout the day with a couple of big things just sent me over the edge. By late afternoon I was looking up local divorce attorneys (since I can't use the one I had before because I'm in a different state now). My biggest complaint? Although HE is the parent he allows N to bully him. It drives me absolutely freaking nuts!! It isn't doing N any good either.

I was set. I was ready. I was going to just kick his ass out the door. However, because I try to minimize the amount of marital crap that N witnesses I was going to do it either during our phone call with our counselor or right after N went to bed which would be very soon after the end of the call. I started to bring it up during the call and the counselor talked me down. . . I wussed out AGAIN!!!! OMG!!!! I agreed to give him one more chance. How the fuck many chances am I going to give this man?

In other somewhat related news, I've been chatting with BJ daily since we broke up. I'm thinking that's helping me continue to live in denial, although I'll be the first to admit I'm hurt by the stilted tone of our conversations which may bring me to the anger stage sooner rather than later. I know, I know, WTF is wrong with me?!? Sorry Trueself fans, if you thought I had come around to dealing with this situation all logical and rational and shit then you just don't know me very well. (I wrote that sentence with poor grammar on purpose, kind of as a form of emphasis and then was afraid people might not "get" what I was doing so then I decided I either had to correct the grammar or explain it here which is really lame because everyone knows if you have to explain it the desired effect has not been achieved so maybe you didn't get that I deliberately turned this into a run on sentence so if you aren't getting it then you really don't understand my weird sense of humor and maybe you ought to just consider moving on by clicking on Next Blog up there in the navigation bar, 'k? Thanks.)

BTW, can you tell I'm writing this disjointed missive in the middle of the night because (a) I can't sleep and (b) the Big Brother final HOH competition round one may never end and I really really wanted to see who wins before I go to bed? Oh well, guess I'll have to give it up and go to bed anyway. Here's hoping Evil Dick can hang on to beat Zach. Go Donatos!


D said...

TS - I'm not getting a very good view of your counsellor I'm afraid - talking you down isn't a positive thing to do in my opinion and certinaly not one you should be paying for.

Trueself said...

D - Well, I do believe she sees her mission as keeping us together not helping us go our separate ways. I didn't always think that way about her, but I do now.

D said...

TS - but therapy is about healing not prescribing what they the therapist believes is the right outcome. Afterall she doesn't really know you as two individuals at all. Make sure you set your own agenda next time you go and try to get from the session what you want not what she thinks you should have.

Serenity said...

Yes, therapists should not go in having an objective above and beyond helping you work through and clarify things. I've never been-I'm far more likely to want to practice, can ya tell???--but it seems to me this particular therapist may not be the right for for you, if you are only getting advice, not guidance.
And you did not wuss out. you are facing a much more difficult decision that i think you give yourself credit for. I would suggest--yeah it's advice, but what the hell-- you get some plans in place in terms of banking, even a place to live in the meantime, so that you feel like you have a safety net in place. That might make it easier to take that step.
Life is too fucking short to spend it this unhappy. I'm just sayin.

Trueself said...

D - Hmm, food for thought.

Serenity - Gee, do I seem unhappy? (please note sarcasm dripping from this statement)