So How’s That Blog 365 Thing Going?

Glad you asked. Being the green-shaded accountant that I am, I tallied up some numbers for the year so far:

In January, I published 44 posts in 31 days for an average of 1.42 posts per day.
In February, I published (including this one) 39 posts in 29 days for an average of 1.34 posts per day.
Year to date that is an average of 1.38 posts per day.

So far, I am far above the target of a post per day in spite of the fact that I have let many posts lie fallow in draft mode never to be published for their content has become outdated.

Let me give a quick update though on one thing that fell by the wayside posting wise at least. The foot, remember the one run over by a car? Yeah, that happened early in January. How is it now? Well, I still have a big scab on the top of my foot. In addition, the nerves in the top of my foot and the front of my shin are still not happy little campers. They complain though not nearly as loudly as they once did. I now have three pair of shoes that I can fit over the offended foot. The best news though is that in spite of the continued tenderness I intend to soon shave my legs for the first time since the accident. Once I do I will no longer present as a “hairy beast” as I have to the two men with whom I’ve been intimate in the last month and a half. Neither one seemed to mind it. I don’t believe they even noticed it until I made mention of it, but I will feel better once I’m back to silky smooth. The other remnant from the accident is that I still have a bump in my upper lip, in the center, where the casserole dish beaned me. None of the people I’ve kissed since the accident seem to have noticed it, or they’ve just been too nice to mention it, but it bothers the hell out of me. It is, thankfully, shrinking slowly and not nearly as big as it was at first. Hopefully, the accident is soon going to be but a faint memory.

Blog 365: two months down, ten to go. Will I make it? I don’t know. I suppose it depends on whether the people in my life keep giving me anxiety, frustration and angst about which to blog. I guess there are a few people I could thank for the assistance with that thus far this year, but I won’t. I wouldn’t want to encourage any of them to keep helping me that way.

******************

And just one other thing. I weighed myself today for the first time in a long time. Since January 9 I have lost 9.5 pounds. Yay me! Particularly yay me given that I am usually an emotional eater.

Backslide

Yep, went into a tiny tailspin last night, went to bed early, called BJ and talked for two hours.

I know, I know, I erased his number from my cell phone. It isn't erased from my brain yet though.

Did it serve any purpose? Well, yeah actually, I think it did. It reinforced just how over we are as a couple. It also showed me that we can continue to be friends with each other.

And now for a little insight that I think I've received in the last couple of days. I do believe that God is trying to show me that I have to find a way to be comfortable being alone before I can be with someone. Ick. I hate when I have to learn these lessons the hard way.

When It Rains, It Pours

K left me an offline IM message tonight letting me know that he's going back to church and is no longer comfortable with our relationship.

Boy, I must be the single most undesirable woman in the western hemisphere.

Yay me.

Early Spring Cleaning

Yesterday I started doing a little early spring cleaning. My cell phone is devoid of text messages. Every single one between him and me are gone. His phone number and voicemail phone number are also gone from my cell phone. No emails between us remain on my work email. I was going to purge the same from my personal email accounts and remove him from my contacts on Yahoo IM last night, but after the wave of emotional turmoil brought on by the first wave of purging I decided to wait a day or two. I can only take so much emotion in one day.

It is far past time to move on. His actions have made his feelings quite clear. It is his loss. I can do better. I will do better. I will always and forever miss him, but I’m sure as time goes by it will get better. I wish to hell this was easier to get through.

Full Circle

Funny how the circle turns around
First you’re up and then you’re down again
Though the circle takes what it may give
Each time around it makes it live again
Funny how the circle is a wheel
And it can steal someone who is a friend
Funny how the circle takes you flying
And if it’s right it brings it back again
Funny how the circle turns around
First you’re lost and then you’re found again
Though you always look for what you know
Each time around it makes it new again
Funny how the circle is a wheel
And it can steal someone who is a friend
Funny how the circle takes you flying
And if it’s right it brings it back again
Funny how the circle is a wheel
And it can steal someone who is a friend
Funny how the circle takes you flying
And if it’s right it brings it back again

So How Was Your Weekend?

This was a tough weekend. I’m glad it’s over. I don’t often look forward to heading back to work on Monday as being an escape, but today it is.

W spent the weekend being an ass. N spent the weekend being victimized both by W being an ass and by the ensuing fights between W and me. I spent the weekend trying not to lose my cool but losing it twice, once in front of W and N together and once just in front of N. I later apologized to N. I didn’t apologize to W.

Fortunately, there were moments of respite during the weekend. C called me Friday night and invited me to go see the movie Juno with her and another friend. I went. We had a great time. The movie was wonderful. If you haven’t seen it you should. The best part of that evening for me though was the group hug at the end of the evening before we went our separate ways. I don’t get enough human touch these days. Then on Saturday I did get to attend the event at church and had the evening to myself so that was pleasant. Even yesterday I got a bit of peace as I slept late after struggling to sleep on Saturday night, and skipped church while W and N went.

So it isn’t that there weren’t good parts to the weekend. It isn’t that W and I spent the entire weekend fighting. It’s just that we spent every minute that we were together fighting, and that is too much and unacceptable and not good for any of the three of us.

Oh yeah, and another good thing. I have a date with a woman from the bi group at the end of March. We are attending a concert together here in LNJ. She lives a couple of hours away and will be crashing at my house overnight after the concert. She and I have been flirting with one another more and more, including her sending me a single rose on V Day. I am looking forward to seeing if this develops into something beyond friendship. If so, I guess I’ll have to add another letter to my alphabet soup!

And let me share one last good thing from the weekend. I chatted on Friday evening with a couple, and we may get together one of these days for some adult type fun. I met her through blogging, and we’ve chatted on Yahoo before. I “met” her husband Friday evening on Yahoo and the three of us chatted for a bit. They are about four hours away from me so we wouldn’t be able to get together often, but it sounds like we would have a lot of fun when we do.

When I really step back and look at it, new opportunities and possibilities abound in my life. I just need to get myself to the place where I can fully enjoy them, and getting W out of the my house is the first step.

Sunday Sermon

Yes, today's post is about religion, seemingly a fitting topic for a Sunday.

I had a bit of an epiphany yesterday. It happened when I was talking to N. I often seem to get epiphanies when trying to explain concepts to N. Somehow things that I just kind of always accepted as being actually do make sense when I think them through as to why they are what they are.

Yesterday's conversation was on Old Testament law vs. New Testament grace. It actually started as a conversation about why our male dog doesn't lift his leg when he pees, but it evolved into a theological discussion. I love how conversations can do that, meander from one topic through another on its way to finally a really profound conclusion.

N asked why our dog, who is male, doesn't lift his leg to pee. I explained that it is because our dog was neutered prior to becoming fully mature, and that when that happens they don't ever get that instinct to lift their leg to pee. Moving on, N asked me about why certain dogs have their tails cut off. I told him I don't really know, but it is something that they do with certain breeds but not all breeds. Do they put the dog under general anesthesia to cut their tails off he wondered? No, I said, if anything they use a local anesthetic (Val, I so wished I could have bounced this question your way because I don't really know nuttin' about it.) but I wasn't sure they even do that. W added that he thought they did it without anesthetic when the puppy was very young, maybe before their eyes opened even. Being me of the big mouth, I added "kind of like how they do circumcisions on baby boys with no anesthetic."

This segued the discussion into circumcision and what that is. I said to N you know how some boys have skin that covers the end of their penis like you and some others don't? Yeah he replied. Well, I explained, circumcision is when they cut that skin off, and that it is often done when a boy is a newborn infant. Then N wanted to know why some boys are circumcised. I explained that I'm not really sure why some do it but that Jews do it because they believe in Old Testament law which required circumcision.

Naturally this led us to discuss the difference between Jews and Christians, that Jews do not believe that Jesus was the Messiah and therefore they do not believe that they have been saved by grace so they believe they must still live by the Old Testament law, including that all boys be circumcised. N wanted to know why they would not believe in Jesus as their savior to which I didn't have a really good answer.

Then he said, "But they believe that they are right and we believe that we are right."

I said, "Yes, but we have to respect that not everyone will believe as we do even though we believe that we are right because they believe just as strongly that they are right. It is up to every individual to make their own peace with God in their own way."

N asked, "But we don't have to live under the laws of the Old Testament?"

I replied, "No, Jesus told us that the greatest commandment was to love our neighbor as ourselves. What that means is that we should always treat others with the same dignity and respect and integrity that we would expect of them in our treatment of us."

Bingo! Epiphany! That's it. This is what I've spent years believing and not able to really articulate even to myself. This is why I can't get bogged down in the debates over many theological issues. I simply think we should live by the rule of treating others the way we would like to be treated. Hmm, how would I like to be treated? I would like others to respect my beliefs and decisions. I would like others to appreciate me for who I am rather than who they would like me to be. I would like others to treat me kindly, but also to be straightforward with me and point out respectfully when they think I am off track. So then, I guess that is how I believe I ought to treat others. Suddenly, it all seemed so clear.

It dawned on me that I often don't treat others as I would want them to treat me. If roles were reversed in my marriage I would want W to honestly tell me that things were over and that I must leave this house because I would want that honesty from him rather than false "niceness." So that is what I must do. I must sit down with W and explain calmly and rationally that this just isn't going to work out, and as hurtful as it may be to him he will have to find another place to live.

See? Isn't the meandering from one topic through the next into the next fascinating? Yeah, I thought so too.

Give Me Strength

Good lord, I'll have to pray for strength to get through this day if my horoscope is right:

Being of service to others today can bring you contentment, even if your own needs remain unfulfilled. Someone's selfish attitude may upset you, making you resistant to doing anything nice for him or her. Nevertheless, overcoming your judgment and petty annoyance is a good idea because you will be happier with yourself if you take the high road.

Whaddya mean what am I doing up at 3:30 in the morning? Obsessing of course. Obsessing over all manner of shit that hasn't allowed me a decent night's sleep in weeks.

This is Not Working

W and I are trying to maintain separate households within one household, and it is just not working, not at all. I had hoped that maybe, just maybe, we could get along civilly in one house, go about our own lives, but that just isn't happening. He refuses to tell me anything about his comings and goings but wants to know about mine. Not okay. He doesn't want to divide up our time with N, but wants us to continue doing things as a family, all three of us. Not okay. Last weekend, I kept N out of W's hair, allowing W to come and go as he pleased all weekend. Today, W is supposed to have N so I made plans to attend a function at church this afternoon, but now both W and N want me to give that up to spend family time at an impromptu group outing to a local pizza place with his basketball team. So we all end up in a shouting and crying match in the car on the way home from N's basketball game. Shit.

This is not working, and I'm the only one capable of making the necessary change.

****************************

Evening Update

Well, I made enough ruckus earlier to cause both W and N to feel like shit. Yeah, I'm just a bitch, but I ended up attending the function at church while they went to the pizza party. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. They were showing two documentaries related to sustainable agriculture. It is amazing what greed does to destroy our environment. It is amazing how we as a society turn a blind eye to so much that we do to ruin the very world over which God gave us stewardship. Anyway, it was well worth attending, and I'm glad I stood my ground about going even though it left me with the accusation of being a selfish bitch. If people keep calling me that I may start believing it.

By the time I got home everything seemed to be back to normal, whatever that is around here. W was in the office playing solitaire on the PC and N had gone to "the hill" to go sledding. I made dinner for the three of us, a simple Mediterranean style pasta dish and Caesar salad. Now they've gone to some sort of event about bugs. I am at home, alone, blissfully watching a chick flick, relaxing and just being me. Sitting here I think now this is what it would be like to really be divorced and have W have N for the weekend. This would be good. This would be very, very good.

Love/Hate of Women

A comment on the last post prompted me to write this post. It raised a very good question. How can I claim to be bi when I don't trust women in general?

The simple answer is that attraction and trust don't necessarily have to go together.

The longer answer if you care to read on is as follows:

There has been much discussion on the message boards of my bi group about the topic of female cattiness and how it impacts same sex relationships. Many of the women on the boards told of experiences they had with women in relationships that were ruined by the pettiness and cattiness that seems to come with a certain type of female. It was a long running thread and no real answers came out of it as to how one handles it, but there was pretty much consensus that it is more difficult dealing with women in relationships than men. No wonder men claim to not understand women. Even women don't understand women when they are in a relationship together.

It has been fascinating to me to learn from my interactions with this group of bi women that we all face many issues to which we can relate that neither straight or gay people really can. We have discussions about how monogamy is impacted when a person is bi, but that could be a post in and of itself. We have discussions about how when some straight women find out you are bi they will get uncomfortable around you as though afraid you'll try to rape her or something. Again that could be a whole post in itself. Anyway, there are all sorts of issues related to being bi that don't come up if you just go one way or the other.

My attraction to women is very real. My fear of them is just as real. Women are very difficult to understand, even for other women. Men, as I said in yesterday's post, seem to be more up front about things. This is not just my own observation, but something that many of my bi counterparts have found also.

This makes me think I may do a whole series of posts on the subject of bisexualty. I've got a million thoughts running through my head here and not enough time to deal with them all here and now. If you have specific questions related to being bi that you'd like me to address feel free to put them in the comments.

Lesson Learned

I used to like her so much, and I so much valued her comments on my blog. I really truly thought of her as a friend. You don’t know how much it hurts me the way she has turned on me like this. It’s one of the reasons I have a hard time trusting women in general. Men are so much more up front about things and women (or some women) get all catty and nasty. Maybe that’s one of the reasons most of my friends in real life have been men.

When I found out who BJ was seeing after our breakup I was, at first, very happy for him. I honestly thought, from what I knew of her from her blog and her comments on my blog, that they would have so much in common, and it would be a good relationship. However, I had no idea just how it really was. Silly, naïve me. I thought that we could all remain friends, and I even contacted her and said so. Just because you break up with someone doesn’t mean you have to hate them. BJ doesn’t hate me. I don’t hate him. I don’t hate his new lady. If BJ and my relationship had been rock solid he wouldn’t have been open to someone else. I accept that. It hurts, but I accept it. Life goes on. It is not in me to be mean and spiteful and hateful. Oh sure, I have those impulses, but I can’t help but think of longer term consequences and value those more highly than the very temporary satisfaction of spewing hatred. So I offered continued friendship. Guess that makes me an awful person somehow.

Oh well, lesson learned. I’ve made my peace with it within myself. Time to move on.

Listen to Lessons Learned by Dan Fogelberg

You...with the past at your back and the future unsure
Asked for the chance to try love once more
Well aware of the consequences should the dream fall through
You threw down your last defenses wanting to try something new
Wanting to try something new
You found me in a sea of confusion drifting with the tide
Living on love that had long since died
But everytime that I touch you, baby
I feel a little more alive
And I'm reminded how much you've made me
Believe in the love that survives
You know, we must believe in the love that survives
(Chorus)
Oh lessons learned are like bridges burned
You only need to cross them but once
Is the knowledge gained worth the price of the pain?
Are the spoils worth the cost of the hunt?
Are the spoils worth the cost of the hunt?
Borne on the first warm winds of feeling newly found
Fly but remember don't look down
Take as much as you think you ought to
Give just as much as you can
Don't forget what your failures have taught you
Or else you'll learn them all over again
Or else you'll have to learn them all over again
(Chorus)

After a Few Deep Breaths

This is a nice instrumental version of Dan Fogelberg's Stars so play the song while you read the post:


It didn't take long this time. I'm feeling better about a lot of things thanks to talking with our counselor last night. The last couple of days I felt the black hole of depression starting to swirl around me. Since my last bad episode with depression I absolutely panic when I feel it coming on again. Fortunately, thanks to pharmaceuticals, I haven't sunk into that kind of depression again, not the really deep dark black hole kind. I still exhibit many symptoms of depression, but I am at least minimally functional at my worst and competent at my best.

Last night when talking with the counselor I told her that I was tempted to give up and just go with the flow. Drop the divorce, suck it up, give in and stay with W. It just felt too hard to keep being strong. As she asked me questions, and I answered between sobs, it became clear that I have no desire to stay in this marriage. My only reasons for staying, if I did, would be not to hurt W more, not to have to face my parents and others with the news of my divorce as I know they will berate me for it. They will say that I made this choice to marry this man, and I have to live up to that commitment. Bigger still that is what my religious upbringing instilled in me. Those are hard things for me to fight, but the counselor made me see that fight those things I must. I have to stand strong and do what is right for me. I do not have to live my life in this marriage because I made a mistake 20 years ago getting into this marriage. I have to keep moving forward because to not move forward is to move backward, and I can't do that.

So with renewed conviction I continue forward now, drawing strength from whence it comes and shunning those who would drag me down. Thank you kind imaginary internet friends for your constant support through emails and IMs and phone calls and your supportive comments here. Also, thank goodness C is back from a short vacation. She is another of my rocks, and I missed her while she was gone several states away.

To the Morning

Watching the sun...watching it come
Watching it come up over the rooftops
Cloudy and warm...maybe a storm
You can never quite tell from the morning

(Chorus)
And it's going to be a day
There is really no way to say no to the morning
Yes it's going to be a day
There is really nothing left to say but come on morning

Waiting for mail
Maybe a tale from an old friend or even a lover
Sometimes there's none
But we have fun thinking of all who might have written

(Chorus)

And maybe there are seasons
And maybe they change
And maybe to love is not so strange

The sounds of the day
Now they hurry away
Now they are gone until tomorrow
When day will break and you will wake
And you will rake your hands across your eyes and realize
That it's going to be a day
There is really no way to say no to the morning
Yes it's going to be a day
There is really nothing left to say but come on morning

And maybe there are seasons and maybe they change
And maybe to love is not so strange

Crushed

Why is it that every time in my life that I start to feel the least bit good about myself something has to happen to remind me what a lowlife nothing I really am? I so looked forward to being an adult when I wouldn’t have to deal with pettiness and cattiness. It just doesn’t go away though, not even when you’re in your 40’s, and it still hurts just as bad as when you’re in your teens. Why is it necessary to batter my self esteem until I’m a quivering mess? Why can I not just be allowed to move forward in life? I’m not trying to hurt anybody. I’m not trying to do anything but move on. Why is that so bad?

I’ll just go crawl under a rock now. Don’t know that I’ll post much of anything of any substance for a while.

Faith Statement

I recently became a member of the church I've been attending here in LNJ. As part of that process I had to write my faith statement to be published in the newsletter for the church. The reason I thought I would post it here too is that it may just give you a bit of insight into why I posted as I did about the recent campus shooting. I realize that by posting this I just might give away my identity in case any of my blog readers happen to attend my church and receive the church newsletter. However, because of the kind of community this church is I don't really mind if they were to find out this blog is my blog. Why? Because they accept that we are all sinners struggling with our sins. I think they would understand my blog very much the same way some of my readers do.

So now that the very verbose preamble is over here is my faith statement as written for my church's newsletter:

The first thing you should know about me is that I always hate when people ask me for my faith statement. Why? I always feel like my statement isn’t going to be profound or glamorous or poignant or any of the other things that might make it interesting. Now as I get older I have come around to realizing that isn’t what makes a good faith statement anyway, and I don’t really see that there is any such thing as a bad faith statement. It just is what it is, just as I am who I am.

I grew up in an eclectic mix of churches as my parents sought to find the right one for them. I attended everything from United Methodist to Lutheran Missouri Synod to American Baptist and Southern Baptist. Through it all I ended up developing my own unique set of beliefs that I have never found duplicated in any church. In some areas, my beliefs are quite conservative while in others, ultra liberal and occasionally, but not often, I’ll head middle of the road. At the core of my beliefs is my personal relationship with God. God and I, we have this understanding. I talk to God almost constantly and try my best to listen for His guidance. Being human, I fail over and over to live up to God’s standards. Being God, He never fails to forgive me, chasten me and give me another chance.

I believe that my calling as a Christian is to stand up for the causes that Jesus would stand up for. When Jesus walked the earth He did not ignore injustice or inhumanity. He consistently called on people to stand up for that which is right and good and just. I feel that same commitment here at [insert church name here] in the people I have met here, and I believe that means that this is a good place for me to be, a good place from which I can serve God as He would have me serve.

This reminded me of a song that I love by Sierra, a Christian music group that is no longer together. I sang this at church several years ago because I believe it carries a message many of us churchgoers need to have repeated occasionally. I wish I could've found a video, but you'll just have to settle for the lyrics.

No Stone to Throw

Maggie lives on Second Street
Downtown by the river
She looks away from everyone she meets
They've got no time to give her
Because on her shoulder is a scarlet letter
And nobody told her she could do better

I've got no stone to throw
No axe to grind
I look at Maggie's life
And I see mine
I see somebody searchin' for somethin'
A little love and understanding
And the longer I know the Lord
The more I know
I've got no stone to throw

Maggie wears a cross of gold
But she don't know why
She says she tried religion once
But it made her cry
She's been to hell and back so many times
And she's done anything to survive

Maggie lives in every town
And people talk about her
'Cause it's easier to put her down
Than to care about her
But she has a Savior; He is her Judge
Oh, Maggie, you deserve to be loved

What I Shouldn't Be Thinking. . .

. . . but I am anyway.


Yes, I still have my weak moments.

W Stands for Weary Whining

I am so terribly conflicted these days.

I am incredibly happy when I'm on my own. I am relaxed. I am content. I am enjoying myself. I am having a good time with N.

I feel incredible guilt when I'm around W. He never fails to mention how sad he is or how tough this all is on him or something just as guilt-inducing. He gave me a sappy overly sentimental card on Thursday and had two dozen tulips delivered to me on Friday. On the card that came with the flowers he said that he would continue doing these kinds of things for me for the rest of his life. I hate that he's doing these things, but I'm trying to take the high road so I just thank him for them rather flatly without any reciprocation. Bleah.

He insisted that this weekend I take full care of N and allow him his freedom as I had mine last weekend. I didn't mind that at all except I didn't like the way he said it, as if it was his way of getting back at me or something. I think it bothered him that I never asked what he was doing this weekend. All I asked was whether he would be staying here at the house or not, and he refused to answer. I assumed, wrongly it turned out, that he was not going to be here so it surprised me when he walked in around 9:00 p.m. on Friday night. I wonder if he realizes that he is making it impossible for me to consider allowing him to continue to stay here. Act cordially and all could be fine. Act like a sniveling brat, and I'm going to get just way too frustrated to let you stay.

He finished our 2007 taxes last night and asked me to review them. It was fairly late in the evening, and I was fighting sleep. I told him I'd look at them today. He wasn't too happy with that, but good grief I'm not going to review tax forms when I'm sleepy. They are tough enough to understand fully awake. Sheesh.


moar humorous pics

Good Thing I Don't Really Believe in These

Your Present Hexagram

The situation calls for confronting a knotty conflict and cutting right through it. Somehow, the way to harmony and unity is blocked or frustrated -- perhaps by a tangle of misunderstanding or deceit. Like Alexander the Great cutting the Gordian knot, assert yourself and you will meet with good fortune. Don't be afraid to shake things up a bit. The ability to take corrective measures, when they are needed, is an essential part of all relationships.

But those who bring discipline to bear must, above all, be honest -- with others, and with themselves. Honesty is the hallmark of the strong and self-confident. The successful person masters the art of honesty much as a swordsman masters fencing. When lies, delusions and game playing are getting in the way of a loving relationship, a swift sword of assertive honesty must be wielded to protect one's integrity and values. Decisiveness with integrity at a time like this brings good fortune.

Though your actions can be vigorous, they must not be hasty, severe, or arbitrary. Be sure to carefully consider all the circumstances. In the case of a serious disruption of relations, you must forgive, but not forget to give a person a chance to make reparations for his mistakes. If corrective action is necessary, make certain that it fits the crime. When boundaries have become slack and useless, only through the institution of clear and swift correction can their effectiveness be restored.

In situations where serious issues are at stake, keep careful records, and do not hesitate to go public with the truth.

Benefits with the FWB

Just a brief warning here. I don't often get terribly sexually graphic here. This post does. If that is not your cup of tea skip this post.

Yesterday I spent the evening with K because earlier in the week I called, checked schedules with him and determined that Thursday was the best day to meet. Actually, I was hoping for Thursday, a distraction from the dreaded V Day, and was glad that day worked for K.

I arrived at K's house a little after 7:00. He greeted me at the door with a kiss. We chatted a few minutes about this and that, typical small talk about work and the weather. We started kissing more and talking less, and our hands began to roam our clothed bodies. At some point, K invited me to head back to his bedroom. We walked down the hall, undressed as we reached his bedroom and laid down together.

I adore K's kisses. We kissed deeply as both of us allowed our hands to explore the other's body. I absolutely adore the feeling of two naked bodies pressed tightly together locked in a kiss. I can just get lost in the the feeling of it and did last night. K kissed me on the neck a lot which is something that just absolutely melts me. I love the sensation of lips and tongue on my neck and K spent a good deal of time there before moving on to my breasts. He sucked eagerly on my breasts. Between that and his fingering my clit he brought me to my first orgasm of the night.

K's cock was getting really hard and as he fingered my pussy I stroked his cock. I was incredibly wet from all of his attentions. He started to pay more attention to my ass and slid his finger inside my asshole while sliding another in my pussy. What a sensation. I love the feeling when he does that. After a while we repositioned so I was on all fours at the foot of the bed with K standing behind me. He grabbed some lube, made his cock and my ass slippery as could be and slid his cock deep into my ass. Oh what a feeling. It was the first time K and I had anal sex. Although I don't ever orgasm from anal sex I do love the sensations as a hard cock squeezes into that tight opening. We fucked that way for quite a while. Eventually he pulled out and went back to manually stimulating me still in the doggy position. He fucked me in both holes simultaneously with his fingers until the sensations were overpowering and I had my strongest orgasm of the evening. I collapsed onto the bed, heart pounding, breathing ragged. I was wiped out, temporarily. K excused himself to the bathroom to clean up and soon returned.

He climbed into bed with me and snuggled with me. We stayed that way a long time, laying there in silence, snuggled together. I thought how good that felt to have my head on his shoulder, his arm around me holding me close to him. I can’t begin to adequately describe just how good it feels to me to lie next to a man with my head on his chest, his arm around me gently stroking my arm. It is the single most comforting feeling in the world to me. All of life’s troubles melt away at that moment. I would have been perfectly content to just stay that way, doze off and spend the night there. However, K and I have never discussed that possibility, and I didn’t want to risk ruining the moment so I just kept my mouth shut and stayed still.

After a while, our hands started to roam more again, enjoying the tactile sensations as we explored each other. I felt K’s member rising as I stroked him, and I worked on it a bit more with my hand before scooting down and taking his hard cock deeply into my mouth. I really enjoy going down on K because he is so appreciative of it and a couple of different ways. For one, he is pretty vocal so I know when I’m doing really well and am learning the things that he particularly likes. For another, he puts his hand on my back, sometimes the back of my head and holds me to him, not forcing me in any way yet just letting me know to stay there and keep going. It surprised me when I finally came up for air that I’d been at it for almost 20 minutes. It used to be that I would’ve worried that I wasn’t good enough at it that it would take that long before a man would cum, but now I’ve learned to relax and not worry so much about that. The man is often just enjoying the sensations and doesn’t necessarily want it to be over with too soon. So now that’s the assumption I work from rather than my earlier one of not being good enough. Hopefully, if there’s something different I should be doing K will tell me.

I worked my way back up and snuggled into his arms and chest again. We lay there a long time quietly then drifted into chit chat, debating our favorite subject of disagreement – politics. He’s a conservative Republican. I’m anything but. We enjoy our discussions of his right wing wacko positions versus my left wing commie sympathizer positions. I will say that we truly are FRIENDS in addition to the BENEFITS. Best of both worlds. No romantic feelings between us though. I’m not sure why, but it just is what it is.

Now to my one complaint, and the complaint that I believe I’ve had with every single man I’ve ever been with – not enough oral attention paid to me. What is it with guys? Every one of ‘em claims to love it, to always do it for their woman, to make sure she’s satisfied. I’m always very up front about it. That is THE THING that does it for me. Oh sure, I can get off other ways but it is never as good as with oral stimulation. Why, why, why, why, why, why do men only do oral the first time and then rarely ever again? I’ve even asked them at times. Is there a hygiene problem? Is there something I can do to make things more inviting? No, no, I’m told everything is fine. Then WTF is it? It isn’t as though I don’t reciprocate. I do! I very much do! I don’t want to keep score, but I know that there isn’t any man I’ve been with who has spent anywhere close to as much time orally pleasuring me as I have spent orally pleasuring him. I swear if I ever find a man who will consistently provide me with some oral pleasure I’ll stick with him like glue to the end of time. I’ll do whatever he asks. I’ll bend over backwards for him. The problem is I don’t think he exists. I have yet to find him. Maybe I really should just switch sides altogether. From the tales I hear from members of my bi group women will get in there and get ‘er done every time as long as it isn’t “that time of the month.” Sigh. . . . . . oh to have such pleasures. Sigh. . . . . .

Whose Fault?

I’m working on another post, a much lighter, happier and fun post than this one. This one is important though, I think.

Yesterday, a man walked into a university auditorium and began shooting. He killed at least five others, wounded many more, and then killed himself. It was a tragedy, a terrible tragedy. Each time I hear of such events I am, of course, saddened for the victims and their families, even saddened that society and human nature is such that these kinds of things occur. I stop when I hear of such events and pray for the victims and their families.

Then there is this other side of me, the side that empathizes with the person who became so [insert strong emotion of your choice here] that he (yes, generally it’s a male so I’ll use the male pronoun here but please understand I do not mean to exclude females here) resorted to drastic action to make a drastic statement. As a society, do we not run roughshod over people’s feelings much too often? Do we not tell people to “buck up” and “deal with it” when there is injustice in the world? Do we not basically go around expecting that life to a certain degree is going to suck? And why the hell is that okay with us? Every so often one of us loses control, been beaten down just enough, kicked in the gut once too often, and goes on a rampage. Should society not wake up and learn something from these incidents? Oh sure, we learn to lock down, lock out, lock up, but do we learn anything about treating everyone with fairness, honesty, and justice in everything we do so that people wouldn’t feel so disenfranchised that they feel the need to utilize such violent means of getting our attention?

It is so very much easier for us to sit back and smugly point the finger at how off balance such people are who would do such horrible things than for us to look at how we may have contributed to the problem. Do we go about our day to day lives grabbing for everything we can get for ourselves without regard for the damage it may cause others? Do we remember to deal with others with compassion in all situations? Do we look out for others or just for ME? Do we hold responsibility when one of our own loses it and strikes out in a socially unacceptable way?

“Buck up.” “Get a grip.” “Deal with it.” Okay, some will buck up, get a grip and deal with it by going out and buying a bunch of ammo and shooting up the joint, and if they lived to answer questions from the victims families I dare say they would give them this advice: “Buck up. Get a grip. Deal with it.”

Happy Valentine's Day!

Let me start by saying that I had a really vitriolic post written for today. It was downright nasty and reflected my mood from when I wrote it a few days ago. However, as I have thought about it I decided that nothing good will come from me copping an attitude. So instead of my original post, I am going to post here roses to each of several people who deserve them:

Rose #1:
To N, my boy, my son, my reason for living. He is the best son a mom could have, not to mention that he is an awesome soccer player and all around athlete.

Rose #2:
To W, for coming around and working reasonably with me the last few days on making this whole separation and divorce thing work and keeping the focus on doing the best we can for N.

Rose #3:
To BJ, for sitting down with me last weekend and clearing the air, allowing me to move on in peace without lingering doubts and questions.

Rose #4:
To K, for spending this evening with me and not mentioning when I set it up anything about it being Valentine's Day.

Rose #5:
To C, for being my bestest best friend and helping me stay sane through this crazy time.

Rose #6:
To Drama, for the empathy and understanding, for being there daily via email for me to share the ups and downs on the rollercoaster with me.

Now, I hope each and every one of you who reads this goes and has a really fine Valentine's Day.

Self Help

Well, last night was a first. It was the first night of W's and my agreement on responsibility for N and freedom to come and go when we don't have responsibility for N. Last night was W's turn to care for N and my turn for freedom. Tonight will be W's turn for freedom and my turn to care for N.

Now, please understand that I had nothing to do last night. K wasn't available so no fun and games. C was working late so no hanging with my best friend. I could've chosen to stay home, but then what would the point be of having new found freedom? Being the independent sort (or at least the independent wannabe sort) I went ahead and went out all by myself. I treated myself to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants, but first I treated myself to a trip to the bookstore, one of my favorite haunts, and browsed the books there. I browsed particularly through the bargain racks as always, but then I also headed to the self-help section. In that section, I found It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken. I picked the book up and looked through it. I liked it. I carried it around the store while I browsed some more. Finally, I made my way to the cashier and bought the book.

Over dinner, and continuing through a mocha at Starbucks after dinner, I read the first 90 pages of the book. What a great book! I am enjoying it immensely and highly recommend it to any woman going through a break up. Over and over in my reading I thought about both of my break ups, with BJ and with W. How different they are in so many ways yet how similar in others. As I read I would see me in relation to the BJ breakup. Then I'd read further and see me in relation to the W breakup. I realized while doing all this reading that, damn, dealing with two virtually simultaneous breakups is brutal. If I didn't think of myself as strong before I certainly do now. I am one strong woman.

Yay me!

OMG! Read This Description

This is so me in so very many ways! How the hell did they know?!?

You're Nevada!

People are constantly mispronouncing your name, and this has provided you with a lot of frustration over the years. You prefer silver to gold, sagebrush to trees, and cards to sporting events. There is almost nothing you aren't willing to lay down a wager on, and others seek you out for advice on their own wagers. You don't take marriage terribly seriously, though you are one of its biggest proponents. Far too often these days, others are mistaking you for an industrial-strength garbage bag.


Take the State Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Hahahahahahaha. ROFLMAO, particularly at that last sentence in the description.

Lil’ Odds ‘n’ Ends

Odd #1
Found out this weekend that J is getting married again. I can only roll my eyes that he is headed into a third marriage without really understanding himself well enough to have a clue what he’s doing. Oh, and in spite of the marriage plans, he still wants to spend a weekend with me in March that I had asked him about before I knew he even had a serious girlfriend. Remember when I said all men are dogs? All men are dogs. At least the ones I know are it seems. Yet I’m no better because as long as he’s willing I’m still planning on spending the weekend with him next month, and no, I don’t expect we’ll spend the entire time playing Scrabble and Parcheesi. For men to be dogs there must be women willing to be their bitches. Guilty as charged.

Odd #2
Women, lock up your men. I am in serious “do me” mode right now, as much as I can get wherever I can get it. I am the woman your mother warned you about. Run and hide. Or, if you are so inclined, give me a call, and I’ll see when I can fit you into my schedule. Eventually I would like to find a person to settle down with and spend the rest of my life with, but not now. Now is a more hedonistic time. I’m sure it won’t take me too long to shift back into LTR gear, but right now NSA gear is working fine.

End #1
K called me on Saturday while I was with BJ. I didn’t answer, and he didn’t leave a message. I’ll bet he had some free time on Saturday that he was looking to fill, or he was looking to fill something anyway I’ll bet. Once I figure out my free time this week, I’ll have to give him a call and see when we can get together.

Odd #3
One thing I have learned about myself recently is that I am a completely vindictive bitch who will stop short of only the most outrageous things. I have shocked myself at just how pleased and self-satisfied I am over something. On the other hand, I am so deeply ashamed of it that I can’t even share it here. No, it wasn't illegal and it wasn't fattening, but I know it was that other bad thing. What is that again? Oh yeah, immoral. It was definitely immoral.

End #2
W is coming around, I think. He told me yesterday that he has been looking into places to live. He rankles at my suggestion that he look into moving to a very nice retirement community that is only blocks away from my house. He just thinks he’s too young for it. He’s 73. I think he would fit right in. I even told him that if he moved into someplace like that, and it was a problem to have N there overnight (I don’t know what rules they might have about kids) that I would be happy to let him stay in the guest room on the weekends when he has N. I could make myself scarce by going away for the weekend, even if it’s just staying across town with C or whatever. I really would like to make this as conciliatory as possible even though he’s not yet at the stage to be able to appreciate that.

Since He Shared Anyway

Okay, so my big expedition was having a face to face talk with BJ to bring closure to our relationship. We did. We talked. We talked and talked and talked. We both felt loads better afterwards.

To those who would criticize BJ and his actions I will simply say that I hold no ill will towards him for anything just as he holds none for me. We have both made our apologies to one another and accepted each other's apologies. I also hold no ill will towards his new lady. Without problems in our relationship to begin with, nobody would have had the ability to come between BJ and me. BJ and I needed to break up no matter what else may have been going on. The responsibility for our breakup clearly lies in the fact that the two of us hold fundamentally different values on certain things. No matter how much we love each other we are not a good match.

We both agreed at one point in our discussion yesterday that neither of us could ever trust the other one enough ever again to consider having a serious relationship with each other. We know each other too well! For anyone who has seen me as innocent victim in this breakup, you've been reading too much of my blog with my slanted viewpoint on things. I confessed to him some things yesterday about which I am not very proud other than the fact that in most cases I was capable of stopping after the thinking of it part before the actual doing it part. I am no better than he is. Really. We're both just human with human frailties. The great thing is that in spite of all of it we still really, really like each other and intend to remain friends.

Without the face to face talk, I doubt we would have remained friends. I doubt we could have done anything but block each other out of our lives out of fear of the other's feelings. By seeing each other and talking we were able to work through all of that anad get to the heart of things.

I hope BJ finds happiness with his new lady. I told him I worry that she'll break his heart, but that I'll be there for him to cry on my shoulder if it happens. I also told him that if I ever find out he treated her the way he has treated me in our breakup I'll come and rip his head off. After all, what are friends for?

Expedition Complete

Things I learned, confirmed or observed:

(1) All men are dogs.
(2) I can be too.
(3) Things are not always as they appear.
(4) Human frailties abound within me as well as others.
(5) I am at peace with my situation.
(6) When I am lost, even if others are running into the ditch, I am capable of persevering and getting back on track.
(7) Crying can be very cathartic.
(8) I did not end up with my psyche squashed like a bug.




All in all, a very worthwhile exercise. Difficult but very worthwhile.

Wish I Hadn't Read It

Given my agenda for today, I'm not pleased with the following horoscope:

You could become lost in your own fantasies today and others may not be around to help you find your way back to reality. Nevertheless, there's important work for you to do and you better finish your chores before things get more complicated. Set your feelings aside early in the day, as they'll only slow you down and make you less efficient.

Set my feelings aside early in the day?!?!? When the whole day's agenda is about my feelings. Okay, logic and intellect, do your thang.

Bring It

I am embarking on a little expedition this weekend that will likely have one of two results:



(1) It will leave my psyche squashed like a bug on the windshield of a Peterbilt, or

(2) It will allow me to emerge from my chrysalis, spread my wings and fly free.



God help me avoid (1) and achieve (2).


Stay tuned for updates. . .

I Hate This Post

I hate you. I hate that I hate you, but I do hate you.

I hate the way you’ve treated me. I hate that you made me believe in you and see more good in you than was actually there. I hate that I ever loved you. I hate that you didn’t have enough self-confidence to be honest with me. I hate that I didn’t have enough self-confidence to be honest with you. I hate that things are over between us. I hate that we couldn’t make things better instead of giving up and moving on. I hate that you aren’t the man that I thought you were.

I hate lies and deception and game playing. I hate that so very much. Yet that’s all any of this has been for all the time we’ve known one another. How very sad that is. I hate every lie, every half-truth, every cloaked response, every cover story, every clandestine move, every attempt at misdirection. I hate that all that crept into our relationship not just from you but from me.

I hate most of all that I fucked this up so royally that I cannot ever hope to make it right. I hate that I cannot want the same things you want. I hate that the thought of ever trusting another man feels impossible to me now. I hate me.

I hate hating, but I do hate. Right now I feel hatred more strongly than any other emotion. For now, I hate. Let’s soon move from hate to resignation and acceptance. I know that’s coming. I can almost see it. For now, the effort of putting one foot in front of the other is overwhelming, but I keep doing it, keep plodding along, keep moving because I know that is the only way to get to where I’m going to a brighter place, to a place where I no longer hate, but accept things as they are and move into a better place in life.

It will be damned hard, but I will come through this and come out better on the other side. I will be stronger for all I’ve been through. That which does not kill us makes us stronger. After I come through this I should be stronger than I’ve ever thought possible. I’ll be damned though if I’ll ever trust another man. It will always be hard to believe that a man will want me, that I will be enough for him, that he will truly want to please me. I will not easily believe again that love is enough. No matter how much I loved you I couldn’t make things right for us. No matter how much I tried it wasn’t meant to be. I tried for years. I loved you for years. I loved you so much that it was hard to ever stand up to you when there were things that bothered me. I thought you loved me so much that you would want to make things better if you knew things bothered me. I was wrong. You didn’t want me to be unhappy, but you wanted me to be happy with things just as they were, and I wasn’t. I didn’t want to be in a marriage where the children are yelled at and berated constantly. I didn’t grow up that way, and I have no idea how to deal with it. I didn’t want to be in a marriage where promises were made but not kept, but it happened. Over and over and over it happened, over little things and over big things, promises made and promises broken.

How dare you now make this all my fault? How dare you get up on your high horse and claim righteousness because you are the one that would stay in the marriage forever? How can you be proud of yourself for shutting yourself off to me years ago and only letting me in just a little when you wanted to? How can you think that I would be happy in a situation like that and be willing to continue on? What the fuck is wrong with you that you cannot connect the dots and see that not every fucking thing in this marriage that is wrong is wrong because of me? Why do you have to continue doing more and more things to make me hate you more? Why do you enjoy pushing my buttons so? Do you think that will make me want you? It doesn’t! It makes me hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I’m tired, and I just want it to be over.

Deep breath . . . in . . . out . . . in . . . out . . . in . . . out . . .

Okay, I’m better now. Go about your day in peace. All will be well.

Time for Change

Yesterday after work I had an appointment to get my hair done. Fortunately for me, C is my hair stylist as well as my bestest best friend so we had a blast. I told her it was time for a big change, but I didn't know for sure what I wanted. We talked about it for a bit. New cut? New color? Both? What would it be?

We finally came up with a new cut, not much different than before but a bit shorter and with bangs, and a new color, very different than before in a beautiful auburn red. The color is very similar to what I used to have before I went blond a couple of years ago. If I may say so, I look smokin' hot with the new hair. It is awesome. Amazing what new hair can do for a girl's outlook on life.

As usual I react to huge life crisis with a change in my hair.

If I get a chance in the next day or two I'll post a picture of the new hair.
********************************
Noon update:
Okay, here they are. Pictures of my new hair, which actually looks a lot like my old hair before I did the awful blond years. Why on earth did I ever go blond?


I know, they aren't great pictures, but they're the best I could do with a camera phone in the employee restroom.

Rollercoaster to Whirlwind

As if the constant ups and downs of the rollercoaster weren’t enough I now feel that I’ve been picked up by a whirlwind and am being spun round and round, all the while being battered by debris that is also being spun round.

But let’s start with the good news, shall we? I am walking around cane free! I used the stairs instead of the elevator at work this morning! I am well on my way to full recovery from being run over by a car. Now, I will say that there is still pain in my right leg, but it is minimal and not constant. There is also the gaping wound on top of my foot, but it even seems to be healing up a bit and not looking quite so frightening as a few days ago. Hey, everybody ought to have something go right in their life, and for me right now this is it.

On to the tough stuff then. Grieving continues for both the lost love and the lost marriage. You can’t lose love without grieving that loss, and grieving takes time. I’m trying to be gentle with myself and not overly berate myself for the moments when I still fall apart and cry. The crying though is not as wrenching as it was at first. It also is easier to get under control and lasts shorter amounts of time than before. You can’t lose a 20 year marriage, even a bad one, without grieving that loss, and that grieving also takes time. As long as I stick to the practical aspects of the situation I am fine, but when W decides to trek down memory lane and remind me of the good times (and particularly early on there were a lot of good times) I lose it. I grieve for the loss of those good times and am saddened that we couldn’t hold onto that forever as we once thought we would.

I am kicking myself after last night’s counseling session. I agreed, against my better judgment and every piece of advice given to me by everyone giving me advice, to see if the living in the house together even though we are separate would work. Strength be gone, and let weakness overtake me. I caved. I am the Queen of Compromise. Sure, I’ll work with you. Sure, I’ll give this a try. Sure, walk all over me. I so deserve all that I get in terms of grief and heartache over this.

Then there’s the legal side of all of this. Since for all but one year of our marriage (actually that’s not even true because we were married in July and then he left his job the next February with me going to work that April so really he was the main breadwinner for less than eight months, followed by two months of unemployment by both of us that completely depleted both of our savings accounts), I have been the primary breadwinner in the household chances are good that W could ask for, and receive, spousal support awarded in the divorce settlement. Never mind that he has squandered money while I have tried to save. Never mind that materially what I brought into this marriage was as much or more than what he brought. Never mind that my income helped pay the spousal support he owed, and continues to owe monthly, to his first wife. Never mind any of that. The fact remains that I make the lion’s share of our household income and have for virtually the duration of the marriage, and he has become accustomed to a standard of living that he would not have achieved on his own. Now, by law here, he will have to, as non-custodial parent, pony up 20% of his income for child support. My attorney suggested that I might offer to forego child support if he is willing to forego spousal support. The good part of that is that legally once he gives up rights to spousal support that decision is irrevocable while child support legally cannot be given up irrevocably, but is always subject to revisiting. Besides, 20% of his income for child support will not be a very significant amount considering that his pension, social security and trust payments don’t add up to a ton of money.

I dread going home this evening to hear what new suggestion W has for our situation. The more time he is allowed to think the more ideas he develops for how we can work this all out, make nice, and continue on as a family. I pray for the strength to get through this. This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life because I am grown up enough now to face the problems head on rather than run away from them. Don’t think the urge doesn’t strike to just pack up and go. . . somewhere. . . anywhere. . . away to a new start. . . again. I can’t do that again like I have done before. I am an adult with adult responsibilities, including a precious child who deserves better, and I have to at some point start acting like an adult and live up to those responsibilities.

That's What Friends Are For

I’ve decided that another person in my life deserves an initial to stand for her name when I speak of her. Since moving to LNJ she has become my absolute bestest best friend in the world. We’ll be referring to her here as C. C is the one that I had a huge crush on that wasn’t returned. It’s all good now though. I have ratcheted down the romantic/lustful feelings for her, and we are just really good friends now (although she does have a very nice rack that is impossible not to admire on occasion). She’s also the one that went shopping with me on the Magnificent Mile, and one of the women that shared my appreciation of Diamond so it isn’t that I haven’t mentioned her here. I just hadn’t given her a “name” I suppose because too many times I’ve named people only to have them exit my life in such a short while that it makes me sorry I took the time to name them.

C understands so many of the things I tell her when I cry on her shoulder. She has been through the bad marriage thing, and the staying in the bad marriage too long thing too. She has been through the clandestine relationship thing, and the NSA FWB good times thing. She understands me. She is always there for me. She took me to lunch today so I could whine and bitch and moan and cry and snivel and just generally flounder around in my self-pity and grief. Now, would I be there for her in similar circumstances? You betcha! A while back, she called on a Saturday evening and asked if I was available for dinner so she could have a good pity party for herself, and of course I said yes. We went out. We ate too much. We complained about life, and I listened to her tale of woe. We laughed at the idiocy of life. She felt better, and I was honored that she chose me to listen and help her out.

It is great having a best friend like C. I can honestly say that I haven’t had a good close friend like C since my high school best friend and I lost track of one another some 25 years ago. That’s a long time not to have a bestest best friend, someone to confide in and tell your troubles to. For too long W stood in that role, and in some cases still does (remember me crying on his shoulder last week over BJ dumping me?), but I can’t, and shouldn’t, count on W to be there for me in that role any longer. In some ways BJ has stood in that role in the last year or more, and in some cases still does (I called him last weekend to cry on his shoulder about me dumping W), but I can’t, and shouldn’t, count on BJ to be there for me anymore. C couldn’t have come into my life at a better time than in the past year. She’s shared my ups and my downs without complaint. She’s there to support me when I need it, drive for me when I was healing, drag me out into the world when I’m tempted to become a recluse, and save me from becoming a bitter old woman. She is a single mom, just as I will be soon, and we will watch each others’ kids when needed and back each other up.

I am so grateful that at this time in my life, when I’m dealing with some really tough stuff, that I have a friend like C. What would I do without picking up the phone and hearing C say to me “Hey girlfriend! How ya’ doin’?” Little things can mean so much.

Super Tuesday

If you are looking for relationship drama and angst then this is the wrong blog today. Today's topic is politics. Tune in tomorrow when we'll resume our regularly scheduled bitching, whining, crying and occasional ranting.



Over at Cassandra's Korner I found a link to a nifty quiz to find out what book I am. Given the answer I got, posting it on Election Day seemed appropriate:

You're A People's History of the United States!

by Howard Zinn

After years of listening to other peoples' lies, you decided you've had enough. Now you're out to tell it like it is, with all the gory details and nothing left out. Instead of respecting leaders, you want to know what the common people have to offer. But this revolution still has a long way to go, and you're not against making a little profit while you wait. Honesty is your best policy.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

And while I was at it, what better time to take a quiz to see what presidential ticket I would be:

You're Feingold-Obama!


As Russ Feingold, you are often on your own, a lone voice of sanity in an insane asylum. You keep voluntarily returning to the asylum, convinced that you can change the minds of those around you. You talk about the need for personal freedom, to avoid fighting for the rest of one's life, and even the simple importance of cleaning up one's act. It seems no one is listening. You even want people to have rights to love and be healthy! Now that's just crazy-talk.

You select Barack Obama as your running mate so he can write your speeches.


Take the 2008 Presidential Ticket Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

All that's left for me to say today is that if you are in one of the Super Tuesday states, please go out and vote for the candidate of your choice. Oh yes, and please choose wisely.

Just one other thing: I'll be heading to the polls after meeting with my attorney to get those divorce papers started. Working to get rid of one asshole after another. . .

About Face!

W hung a big ole’ “Texas Left” at lunchtime. Yes, in a frighteningly swift 180° turn he went from wanting nothing to do with N and his care to wanting me to allow him to stay in the house, continue on as we are, except that he and I would lead separate lives. See? I knew the whole thing was a ploy this morning to get me to back down. It didn’t work so now he’s going in a completely different direction and hoping to get to stay in the house, and my life, a different way. Damn it. This one brought me to tears. This one I could almost agree to do. . . IF I thought he really would be cool about staying out of my private life.

Then I remembered reading in another blog about someone who tried something similar for a while. If I remember right she had an agreement with her husband that she maintained a separate social life while they stayed legally married and continued living in the same house with their children. I know it ended up not working out well for her because she ended up divorcing him in the end. It occurred to me that I might be able to get some insight from her as to why it didn’t work out for them to live “together but separate” until it dawned on me who it was that wrote about that in her blog. Unfortunately, I probably shouldn’t be asking advice from her. Darn. Sigh. . .

Anybody else out there ever tried a “together but separate” arrangement? Did it work? Wanna share the details with the world? Leave a comment. Wanna share the details with just me? Send me an email to the address in my profile.

Aftershocks

I want him out of my house as soon as possible. I would like to know, however, what his plans and intentions are. If it weren’t for N it would be a moot point, for the most part. I wouldn’t care if he walked out the door never to be seen or heard of again. However, we do have N, OUR son, not my son but our son.

Apparently, the fact that he is still in the house has no bearing on whether or not he has responsibility for N anymore. Apparently, N is now virtually 100% my responsibility and 0% his. Did he tell me this up front? Oh no, of course not. He just didn’t do any of the things this morning that he usually does. The division of labor in the past has been that while I was responsible for getting myself ready for work in the morning, W would do the things that it took to get N ready for school. This morning W did nothing for N, nothing at all. Oh he got up just as he would if he were responsible for N, but he did nothing. . . except get in my way as I tried to do all the things he wasn’t doing. At one point, I stopped him in the hallway and confronted him, asking him if N was now all my responsibility, explaining that I need to know so that I can adjust my work schedule if need be and arrange after school care. Silly me, to ever have assumed that W would want to continue being a father to N was foolish. His reply to me was (after thinking on it for some moments) that until he moves out of the house he will continue to make sure N gets to school in the morning and to pick N up from school each day and watch him until I get home from work. That’s as much as he is willing to do for N at this point. Everything else is on me. He also made sure to remind me that once he moves out it will all be my responsibility because he may not be staying in the area.

I know what he is trying to do. He is trying to get me to back down. He is trying to use N as a way to get to stay in the house and in the marriage. It won’t work. If it is his choice to make himself non-existent in N’s life then that is his choice, a choice that will hurt N, and to a lesser extent me, but his choice and his alone. I have told him that I would like for him to stay in N’s life, to continue to work on bettering the relationship between the two of them, but I have no control over what W chooses to do. I am hoping that if I call his bluff that he will eventually come around and have a desire to maintain some level of father son relationship with N, but if he doesn’t then I will just have to help N through one more heartache.

N had tears in his eyes when we (or really I, with W sitting across the room, again his choice as to how to handle it) told him of the impending divorce. Later, when W had wandered back down the hall to the office N asked me a few questions, and expressed the common childhood belief that the divorce is his fault. I explained that it isn’t, but he is stubbornly hanging onto that belief. I asked if he would like to talk to a counselor about it, and N said yes he would. I promised him that I will call the EAP today and see if I can get an appointment for him this week. I think it will help him far more to hear that he isn’t at fault from a neutral third party than from anyone else so I’m glad that he wanted the counseling when I offered it.

I had just a glimmer of hope last night as W sat down with me and we discussed very civilly a few practical issues like tax returns for 2007 and him continuing to use the house as a mailing address for a while until he gets permanently settled somewhere. Is it too much to hope that we will get to a place where we can discuss issues regarding N in the same way?

So Go Already

So W is making no move to go anywhere. He is also refusing to speak to me, only answering questions with a minimal amount of information. The most he has said is that when I tell N (he's insisting I must tell N since I want this and W doesn't) I am to make it very clear that it is MY decision to end this marriage, not his. Hey, not a problem buddy. I don't want to be a nag or a bitch, but geez, I've told you to get out so get out already! Or give me some idea of what you are planning to do. Something. Anything besides sitting in the office playing on your damned computer like you do every single day of your life.

Oh, and to clarify the going to sleep thing last night, W did stay awake for much of the talk. We were at a point where I was letting him ask questions, and I was answering (though not giving the answers he wanted). In between an answer from me and his next question, there would be silence, utter and total silence. During one of these silences he dozed off. I saw the eyelids drooping, and eventually the snoring began. Now it was not awfully late when this happened, no later than 10:00 p.m., and he hadn't gotten up early yesterday. He had slept until a little after 9:00 a.m. I just can't imagine how you could have a talk like that and fall asleep in the middle of it. I guess I would have at least expected some kind of close to the discussion.

I did give myself a little treat last night after I went to bed. I opened the toy drawer in my nightstand and gave myself a nice time. It's been months since I've done that. Boy oh boy, it won't be months before I do it again. How long is it until bedtime anyway?

One other thing for now, I put a profile on Match.com listing myself as separated. I did that on Friday night and already received an email yesterday from a guy. I really don't think he's a keeper, probably due to his distance from me (2 1/2 hour drive) more than anything else. Also, he's nine years younger than I am so I'm not so sure about that aspect either. On top of everything else, I mostly went to Match.com just to get an idea of who's out there available rather than looking for a relationship right now. Oh well, nothing wrong with a little email exchange, getting to know him I suppose. I know conventional wisdom would have me waiting a few months at least to get over the breakups before dating again. Then again, when have I ever followed conventional wisdom?

That Was Weird

Just like almost everything in my life these days, the talk with W was weird. Well, not the talk itself, but the fact that W fell asleep during the talk. At least that seems weird to me.

Before he went to sleep though, I guess the talk went as well as one could expect. Mostly I talked and he listened. After a while though I stopped talking and just waited. Eventually, he did engage in some amount of discussion. He tried the "I'll leave and neither you or N will ever see me again" tactic a couple of times. Both times I replied to him that I don't think that would be the best choice for him to make, particularly for N, but that if he makes that choice so be it. When that one didn't work, he tried the "But I'm working so hard to make things better. How can you be so ungrateful?" tactic a couple of times too. I told him that I recognized that he's tried, and I've tried too. We haven't been successful in spite of trying. I'm tired of trying and waiting, and I think it's time to move on. I also added that if I stayed longer it would not be out of love or commitment, but only out of feeling that I am being held hostage to emotional blackmail. That hurt him I know, but it's true, and I felt like I had to say it that strongly for him to really understand that this is over, for real and for true, that he must get out of my house. I know we got to that point of understanding before he dozed off.

Damn, I did it. I really truly did it. I really am strong after all.

Now, do I just leave him sleeping on the sofa, or wake him and tell him he should go to bed? Yeah, I think leave him on the sofa. I'd rather just not have more of this conversation until tomorrow when he's had some time to think about it. . . or sleep on it. . . or whatever. . .

Accountants Can't Resist a Calculation

Interesting. I went to this site and according to their Heartbreak Calculator it will take me only 6 months to get over W and a year and a half to get over BJ. Hope I can serve those sentences concurrently rather than consecutively.

In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

The Post About Nothing

We were hit with a lovely snowstorm last night so no school for N today, but of course I have to go to work. Unfortunately I was banking on not having to go to work today and stayed up way too late last night. Even once I went to bed I barely slept. I think the longest elapsed period between waking and checking the time on the clock was about 20 minutes. Oh yeah, I'm going to be in fine form today. I think the stress over this weekend's discussion is just tearing me up more than I ever expected. Even though I'm the one that wants out it still doesn't make it easy to make the break.

For those of you with any compassion for me, please be sending me every good vibe or prayer or whatever you send to those in need, tomorrow evening when we'll be having that talk. I need all the help I can get.