Got an email from J this afternoon asking me to reconsider both my request that he not contact me anymore and not getting together tomorrow night.
Frustrated, I called him. I told him that I have now asked him twice via email to stop contacting me, and now I'm telling him straight out that we are over. I'm tired of being hurt. I'm tired of loving someone who doesn't love me back. He claimed that he does love me. Okay, but not enough to go ahead and sign the divorce papers that T served him with, not enough to quit begging T to take him back. I told him the only way I ever want to hear from him again is if he has decided he loves me enough that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
After much arguing, he finally agreed to end all contact. God, I hope this is all over now.
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"After much arguing, he finally agreed to end all contact. God, I hope this is all over now."
Hi True, I just finished reading all your blog archives (plus comments) and now am ready to start commenting. I was wondering - if J had never emailed you out of the blue after 20 years, do you feel that you'd be where you are today? And I doubt "this is all over now", but rather just beginning. Finally, I'm not that "Rob" mentioned back in your archives but some of your blog readers know of me by my comments in their blogs. So in some ways it really is a small blog world out there! :-)
Hi Rob. Actually glad to know you aren't the one I mentioned earlier. That could be awkward.
Hmmmm. . . if J hadn't emailed out of the blue where would I be? Good question. I believe that J accelerated a process that would have happened anyway. I was frustrated in my marriage for a long time.
I had actually contacted J about 3 years ago through email, very lowkey, but kind of to see whether there was anything still there. At the time, he and T had only been married a couple of years, were very happy, so I never pursued anything.
Now I had for the past couple of years toyed with the idea of an affair but hadn't really actively pursued it. At one point, a coworker and I flirted with one another, but never progressed beyond going out for drinks together. Had he made a move, I'm certain I would have been receptive to it.
So what I have longwindedly come around to saying here is that while I still might not have gotten to the place of actively seeking out an affair at this point had J not emailed out of the blue, I feel certain that it would have happened at some point within the next year or two.
As far as it being the beginning rather than the end, I really hope it is the end with J. His life is a mess, and he needs to get it straightened out. I shouldn't even be a part of that. Not that I haven't left the door open just a crack. Goodness knows if J were to call me and tell me that he now realizes that I was right all along, that he and I are meant to be together, that he's gone ahead and signed the divorce papers, and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, then I'll be right back down the rabbit hole. However, I don't think there is one chance in a thousand that that will happen. J is too closed off to ever do that.
So, I'm hoping that I've ended that chapter of life to move on to the next big drama because I am nothing if not a drama queen to the nth degree.
By it being the "beginning" and not the "end", I wasn't referring to J and you but rather to your now ongoing "double life", as that seems to be what you have decided upon, based on your recent words.
Rae,
Yes you are right. J is a pussy, and in most worlds that would be completely unattractive. I have the most irrational love for him that could ever be, based mostly on the high school romance we had not on who he has become. Hence the need for me to stop it and move on.
Rob,
Okay, I see where you're coming from. I was just referring to the end of the whole J thing in my original post, but I can see how you took it. You are right that this is just the beginning for me in some ways.
Why are you expecting J to do things that you are not willing to do yourself?
SP,
Good question. What I am expecting of J is for him to end his marriage knowing that I want to have a permanent relationship with him. I have told him that I will leave my marriage under those same circumstances, i.e. if he will tell me that he wants a permanent relationship with me. That is what he will not do because, I believe, that is not what he wants. He has made it very clear that he does not want to make any commitment to me, but just to have some fun get togethers until he can get back with T. That, to me, is the crucial difference.
Although it is sad when there is obviously some genuine love there on both sides, I can't say I am sorry to see J go.
It just seemed so clear that he was in no position to give you what you wanted, and had an awful lot to sort out. And it was basically becoming kind of a downgrading of the relationship for you to be his bit of fun on the side while he was still focused on his wife.
Also, is it just because he reminds me of a friend of my own that I wonder if you really love who he is now, or just who he was to you a long time ago?
Emily,
I think that I don't really love J as he is today. I am in love with the memory of J, the idea of the J that I loved so many years ago. It's all based on the romantic notion of getting back with an old high school sweetheart. And that is why it is very good to get over it and move on.
Hi Trueself, I'd just like to say that having made that decision - and we saw how hard it was to come to - you are to be congratulated on not caving! I really hope you find what you're looking for, and it makes you happy.
freebird,
Thank you. Yes, it was really hard to make that decision, and even harder not to cave when he said so many heartwrenching things on the phone the other day. The key was that for all he did say, the one thing he wouldn't say was the one thing that could have swayed me, and that was that he wanted to pursue a permanent relationship with me. But he didn't say that and chances are he never would have even if I hung on waiting.
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