Feeling Desired or Not

Yesterday was a bit of a roller coaster ride.

When the day started, I thought I was going to be able to see J in the afternoon, the result of W getting a day to himself on Saturday when I took N to the local theme park. I had said to W on Saturday night that I wished I could have some “time off” like he got, time to myself, and he said he thought we could do that. So, devious little slut tramp whore that I am, I secretly made arrangements to meet J. However, things didn’t go as planned on Sunday. W wasn’t too keen on me leaving the house (on to me maybe?), and I wasn’t going to push it so I stayed in and let J know that our afternoon was off. J made me feel better, and desired, by telling me that we need to work on some way to get together soon.

With my original plans disrupted I spent the afternoon in cyberspace. Turns out that was a really fine idea. Hooked up with a guy I “know” for some really hot cybersex. He and I are increasingly flirtatious with one another online, and goodness knows if the distance weren’t prohibitive, I’m sure he and I would have hooked up for real by now. Anyway, we went beyond flirtatious yesterday online, oh so far beyond. You know who you are, sweetie. Thanks for yesterday. You made me feel very desired. I am in mad, passionate lust with you, you know.

So having gotten all worked up, last night at bedtime I decided to try for some action with W. Why? Why do I even try anymore? I was lying crosswise in bed naked on my stomach when he approached to pick up his pajamas off the bed. He was standing right next to the bed, also naked. I reached out to touch him, and before my hand got within even a few inches he backed away so abruptly it startled me. I looked up at him and he said “You mess” with a grin on his face so I know he knew what I was up to, and that was his way of say no thanks. He picked up his pajamas and walked to the bathroom. I rolled over to my side of the bed. A few minutes later he came to bed climbed in and back to back we went to sleep. Back to reality, not desired at all.

Why oh why are the only people wanting me to touch them, wanting to touch me, out of reach while the only one within reach would rather I leave him alone? It is a cold, cruel world.