Unsure

In trying to analyze my recent behavior, I keep getting struck with four adjectives, none of which was included in the list that commenters had thrown at me. They are:

Selfish – I know that I am being selfish in all of this. I am out for me, for what I want, for what I think will make me feel good, and the hell with everybody else.

Defiant – I feel very defiant in all of this. Goes along with “the hell with everybody else” mentality. I just wanna be a bad girl for a while.

Guilty – I feel incredibly guilty though not guilty enough to stop. I feel guilty because I know what I am doing is wrong, and on top of it I feel guilty that I’m doing it in spite of knowing that it is wrong.

Desperate – This is the overriding feeling that drives me moment to moment, guiding my every action. I feel desperate to find the things that are missing from my life, and even more desperate because deep down I think that having an affair is not necessarily going to help me find those things.

So what are these things that are missing from my life? Because I can definitively say that it is more than the physical act of sex, although that is without doubt one piece that is missing. I answer this by stating what a perfect “rescue” and “rescuer” of me would be like.

I want a man to give me the following:
1. Sex on a regular basis (at least once a week, if not more)
2. Release from the primary breadwinner obligation so I could work in a job that I enjoy without the primary emphasis being salary and health benefits
3. Passion and enthusiasm
4. The feeling that I am desired and cared about as well as loved
5. Hugs and kisses on a daily basis
6. Openness with me about what is going on inside him (does any man ever do this?)
7. Effort at reaching out to me instead of me always having to be the one to reach out

Does a man like this exist? Anywhere? And can I find the things that I’m not getting without a man providing them for me? I don’t know, but it is clear that an affair is not going to meet many of those needs, very few of those needs actually. So am I coming to the conclusion that I will not have an affair? No. I’m not ready to say that. I’m just saying that if I do indeed have another affair and/or continue the affair with J I need to understand that I’m still not going to be happy or even satisfied. There are still missing pieces, yearnings that will go unfulfilled. So what’s the point? Not sure. And maybe that right there IS the point: I’m not sure.