Patience is not one of those virtues with which I have been blessed. No, when I want something, I want it, and I want it when I want it. I don't like to wait. I don't even like to wait 60 seconds to reheat a cup of coffee in the microwave. So clearly, being patient and waiting is not something that I do well.
Yet, right now that's all I can do in all cases. I must wait. I must exercise patience. I have no choice. Or I could just go stark raving mad, which I still might do. Haven't yet, but I still might.
I'm waiting for W to be ready to try those pills. He wants to, he tells me, but the time has to be right. He's afraid of wasting one of those expensive pills by taking one and having something interfere with us doing anything. Well, at least I understand better now why we're waiting.
I'm still waiting for J to love me the way I love him. That's not likely to ever happen so rather than straining my patience I really, really, really need to find a way to just get over him.
I'm waiting for H to contact me about getting together this week. He said he would. I'm trying to wait. I'm trying not to be pushy. I want him to decide that he wants this, or doesn't, in his own time.
I'm so tired of waiting.
Oh, and anyone who thinks I'm in a better position having three possible/sort of/maybe/okay/could be better relationships going is dead wrong. One really good relationship would trump this mess any day. And yes, I'm pretty sure it is mostly my fault that I don't have one really good relationship. I don't feel like a victim in any way. I'm doing this to myself, and am fully cognizant of it. Yet not willing to give it up. Still wanting to find the right combination to happiness. Still wanting the quick fix, the instant gratification. Still yearning for more, sooner, better. And not doing so well at waiting for it.
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THIS BLOG IS INTENDED FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY. Anyone under 18 should leave immediately. This blog started as a place to chronicle my attempt at rekindling a long ago romance in spite of the fact that we were both married to others but evolved into a journal of my sexual revolution and now what is hopefully my maturation into a fully functional adult.
Just Who Do I Think I Am?
- Trueself
- A Little Place I Call Home, Midwest, United States
- I'm a middle-aged woman going through a midlife crisis. Sometimes I wonder if I'll live through it. Trying to figure out where I'm going and what I'm doing.
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- We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors...but they all exist very nicely in the same box. -- Unknown
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Who's Who in Trueself's World
- Trueself (aka TS) - Me, a fat nerdy middle-aged widow with a great job (provided the company stays in business), a great son, and a messed up life
- N - My son, my reason for living, the greatest gift God ever gave me besides His own Son
- J - My high school sweetheart with whom I share love and the occasional rendezvous
- W - My husband, for better or worse; I took care of him until the day he died.
- Freud - My therapist
- Dr K - My psychiatrist, the one who medicates me when the talk therapy with Freud just isn't enough
- Boss - My previous supervisor who used to scare the shit out of me and now I only find mildly annoying on most days.
- Snow White - A coworker, also psycho
- Betty - A coworker who is practically perfect in every way and more than a little annoying to the rest of us mere mortals
- FU - My brother; the initials here may or may not represent what I would like to tell him most of the time
- FU2 - FU's wife, my sister-in-law
- Bella and Ella - My two nieces, daughters of FU and FU2
- Gladys - My next door neighbor whom I've named after the nosy neighbor on Bewitched. They're two of a kind.
- RB - Temporary housemate who lived with us while she was separated from her husband.
- TS2 - Former housemate who just so happens to have the same first name as I do. She drove W & N crazy, and sometimes me a little bit too, but the extra income from her rent sure helped.
- M - FWB from early fall 2009 through spring 2010 when he moved a couple of hours away
- BJ (aka Z) - The man I loved who just didn't turn out to be the right one no matter how much I loved him
- D - A former coworker and former friend who is in very many ways completely opposite of me. Why we get along is anyone's guess, but we did. . . until we didn't.
- C - My bestest best friend I thought, but we've drifted apart
- Q - W's girlfriend while he and I were separated
- H, K, & S - Guys I met online who shared with me various levels of adult type fun from time to time
- G & L - Guys I met online that went nowhere
- R & V - Women I met online that went nowhere
- T - J's second ex-wife
- If an actual name is used instead of just a letter it is generally not the real name but a name made up to protect anonymity.
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- LNJ - Where I currently live (stands for Location of New Job)
- LOH - Where I lived before (stands for Location of Old Home)
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- TV1 - Tiny Village 1, where I spent infancy and a few years after TV2
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Makes Sense to Me
You aren't paranoid if people really are out to get you
8 comments:
I keep starting comments to you then stopping mid-way because they sound like lectures!!! And I'm in no position to lecture, as you know. So I'll let you guess what I was going to say.
Really helpful, huh?
Maybe I need a good lecture. Feel free. Nobody knows how fucked up I am better than me, so I don't think there is anything you could say that would offend me.
I'm not sure your and W's situation (he isn't GWB is he?). It sounds like he needs to increase his physical activity. More excersise. He might feel better and might want to have sex.
My $0.02. I don't give change.
Aphron,
LOL! No, he is a far cry from GWB. And I'm certainly no Laura!
Yes, exercise might help. Then again, I think his health is worse than he ever lets on. He won't talk to me about it, shuts me out, so I'm pretty much in the dark.
I am wondering if he is not so much afraid of being interrupted after taking those pills, as afraid they won't work.
Perhaps he senses you moving away from him. Perhaps he senses that something is going on. And perhaps he is afraid that if he takes them and they don't work, it will push you even further away.
Just my 0.02!
Maybe you should put more effort into one relationship instead of working on three, choose one for gods sake.
Emily,
You may be on to something there. I will admit he probably feels quite a bit of pressure from me even though I try not to say too much about it.
Jaws,
Yeah, that's what I ought to do all right. A really good person would choose to work on the marriage and ditch the rest. A fuck up like me just keeps making things worse.
Mr. H,
LOL! Actually for the past few years I've felt that most of our sexual activities were akin to forcing myself on him. Got tired of forcing it, and just rarely do anymore. I'm tired, and I really just want one man (preferably not the creepy, psycho ones that I generally attract) to want me enough to chase me instead of the other way around.
OK, maybe I was going to say something akin to what Jaws said - only with less bite! ;-)
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