Unsent Email

This is the email I want to send to J but haven't. I'm writing it here to see if it will help me get it out of my system. Sometimes I think it is better if I do not contact him because that always seems to just start things up again. On the other hand, this email might not do that. So here's the email I haven't sent and can't really decide if I want to send.

J,

I am in pain, and I know that you are too. I do not think that you and I are helping each other in any way by continuing to have a relationship at any level.

In order for me to move on with my life with W, I have to be free of you. I have to stop fantasizing that you and I will one day be together. I have to stop fantasizing that one day you will love me the way that I love you. I can see that it will not happen. I have to stop waiting for you.

And yet, I do keep waiting for you. I wait for you because you have not been willing to entirely close the door on a relationship with me. I wait because I want to believe in my fantasies.

This is it, J. No more. I am no longer waiting for you, nor do I want you to contact me anymore. Delete my number from your cell phone, erase my email addresses from your address book. Do not contact me again. Even if you aren't willing to close the door between us, I am at a point now where I am.

Goodbye, J. I am so sorry that things never worked out for us, but they didn't. You and I both have to accept that and move on. It's time to do that.

Love,
Trueself

Of course, part of the reason I haven't sent that email is that I don't honestly mean it. I don't want to lose J. I don't want to stop believing in my fantasies even though I know it is what I should do. I am so torn. I think I'll let this sit for a couple of days, and I'll think it over as to whether I should just be the strong one, the one that stops the whole thing. Maybe it's what I should do, but I've got to think about it some more. If I really decide to do this, I've got to follow through with it and truly be done with it. I've got to do the same things I'm asking of J -- getting rid of his cell number from my cell phone, deleting his email address from my address book, though it is more difficult to remove them from my head. It is so hard for me to take those steps, to truly decide to cut off contact with J. Yet the longer this goes on the more I realize that it would probably be the best thing for all involved. I guess the biggest question is, am I strong enough?