Friday, January 25, 2008

La, La, La, La, Life Goes On

My horoscope today:
Your goals are changing, but this is a long and drawn-out process, so don't expect to know where you are heading anytime soon. It's not that you can't make any plans; it's just that the map is undergoing revisions as you are traveling. You might not be able to rely on your previous experience. Instead, trust your ability to respond to the circumstances, even as they morph into something else.

The peace I felt the other day was short lived. Although I did receive what was apparently supposed to be answers, it left most of my questions unanswered, and was vague where it did answer. So is there to be no peace to be had for me? Well, I don't know, but I know there isn't any right now. I have responded to him that I would like more and better answers, but I certainly have no control over whether I will receive him. If I don't hear back from him then he truly isn't the man I thought he was. I will still harbor no ill will towards him, but it will make it much more difficult for me to pick myself up and move on.

Here ends segment one of today's post. By the end of the day will this post be as long as yesterday's? Good grief let's hope not.

Noon Update:
Part of me is worried about BJ. Some of the things he has done and said seem so completely out of character for him. That’s one reason it would help me to have answers. It would help me not to worry that there is something underlying recent events that is weird, sinister, strange, dangerous, not quite right.

I debate in my head how much to pursue the answers I want. It feels important to me to know. Others have confirmed that when they’ve faced similar breakups it was helpful when they knew, and extremely difficult to process when they didn’t know, so I know I’m not completely off the mark in wanting some answers here. However, I do not want to become stalkerish (which I could, way too easily, I fear). I wish there was a way to sit down with him face to face, have the conversation no matter how hurtful it might be, and then be able to walk away knowing what happened, face and feel the pain of it, and then move on to better things. I fear though that if I were to suggest meeting halfway between where we live, or to even suggest that I come to where he lives, that he would not want that.

I seek knowledge because knowledge helps me not make up stories in my head to fill the gaps. The stories I make up can get pretty well out there in the realm of wacky and sinister thanks to watching too many episodes of Law and Order, Cold Case, Without a Trace and other such shows.

What can I possibly do to persuade him to give me the answers I need? I don’t know. He holds all the power, and I hold none in this situation. He is the only one with the information. If he refuses to release it then I’m going to have to find a way to accept that and move on without it. Life is so damned hard.


Val said...

Baby doll -- be careful, be very VERY careful!
I too thought "The Truth Would Set Me Free", but all it set me up for was a lot of useless sleep deprivation, confusion, & anger as I realized what Ex was telling me was basically nonsense...
Sometimes men (oh hell I won't be sexist, WOMEN too!) do absolutely ridiculous, absurd things for no discernible reason...

Emily said...

Life really is damned hard, Trueself. All we really have sometimes is our courage and our friends and our ability to find strength (including God's strength) in our own souls.

Truly, I am very sorry that you are having such a hard time. But I, for one, am glad that you are pressing ahead with your life.

I hope that BJ will give you the answers you seek. Some answers do help, even if they are terrible answers. But if not, I promise you, you will survive.



Trueself said...

Val - Thanks for the insight from your experience. You may be right that it won't help to get those answers, but it has got to beat the uncertainty.

Emily - Boy are you right about that. I have had to have more courage this week than I knew I had. My night with my friends on Friday was wonderfully helpful, and without God's strength I would truly be lost right now.
Thanks for still hanging around here with me.