Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Situation Normal

Wow. I woke up again today. Everything continues on as usual. Nothing is really different. I'm here, with W and N. BJ is 400 miles away. It's still the same as it has been.


BJ is no longer a phone call, or email, or IM away from me. I am no longer in his heart.

When did that change for him? I don't know. I wish I did, but he won't reply to my email asking for more information. I can only assume that somehow he feels that it is better for me if he doesn't answer me. Maybe he thinks that to answer my questions would only bring me further hurt. Maybe he's right, but I can't get those questions out of my head. Even if it would hurt me I want those answers. Yes, it might hurt, but maybe there is something I could learn from it. Maybe I could move on with knowledge that would help me to better myself for the next relationship.

I want to believe he's just a jerk, a coward for breaking things off as he did. However, I know him better than that, or I thought I did. What I thought I knew about him is that he is a caring person and that it hurts him to hurt me. Maybe it hurts him so badly to hurt me that he couldn't bring himself to end it other than through a terse email. Is he hurting at any level 400 miles away? Or is he relieved to have it over and done with and be able to move on? I don't know. I may never know.

Wow. Life just keeps going on as usual. How weird is that?

No comments: