Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Ain't Gonna Be an Easy Day

4:00 a.m.
I haven't slept all night. I tossed and turned in bed for a long time, and then finally got up, got on the laptop, played a few computer games, checked for email, checked my favorite blogs, and now here I sit. Maybe I'll go back to bed and try it again. I'll just keep coming back to this entry and updating it today. Otherwise I'm afraid I'd end up with two dozen posts in one day.

7:40 a.m.
I slept a grand total of less than two hours last night. That should make for a grand day at work. I feel a huge hole in my heart. If I could come up with an excuse I'd stay home from work today.

11:30 a.m
My body took care of the excuse. I came home a little while ago because I am nauseous and experiencing explosive diarrhea. I think it's a reaction to the emotional distress.

While I was at work I marveled that the world just keeps moving on in spite of my crushed heart. Life goes on as before, and who can I talk to about this devastating event in my life? Nobody, nobody but you dear internet. Wow. It hurts. I imagine to myself that it would hurt less if I had found out through more than the following email:
I have agonized over this for awhile now. There is no good way of doing this. When you mentioned last week on the phone you felt something was up I know you could sense it in my voice. I am falling hard for another woman. It is nothing that was planned at all. I've gone over and over this in my head and in my heart. I wanted to make sure what I was feeling was real and not based on anything other than feelings for her.


That was it. The sum total of all that he said is right there. I received the email at work about 10 minutes before quitting time and about a half hour before I had to pick up N from the day camp he attends when school is not in session. Do you have any idea how hard it is to smile and cheerfully ask about N’s day when you’ve had less than an hour to even process in your head that life as you know it has changed so unexpectedly?

At dinner I lost it. I sobbed, in front of N and W. It was precipitated by the typical bickering between N and W. It was just too much, the straw that broke the camel’s back. We got N finished up with dinner and ensconced in the family room engrossed in a movie on DVD. W and I then proceeded to have our meltdown. Much hurt and venom was spewed back and forth but all in measured tones of sadness. Never was there yelling. We just sat across the dining table discussing in the most civilized tones the fact that I have been unfaithful and will continue to be so. I shared some of the hurts I have suffered as I have tried to establish relationships within the bi community (some of which I have shared here, but most I have not). I did not share that I have been unfaithful with other men, however I made it clear that it is my intention to seek physical solace from other men from now on. Maybe I was a coward, but would it have served any good purpose to bring up the other men I’ve slept with in the last two years? From the look on his face, I think he pretty well suspects that there have been men in my life. It’s just something he doesn’t acknowledge outwardly, and with N not terribly far away I just wasn’t prepared to lay all the dirty laundry on the table. However, tonight at counseling that may change. At a certain point (when N’s movie was over) we agreed to table further discussion until tonight. Tonight N will not be within earshot. Tonight we can air whatever it takes to move this process along. I feel myself becoming stronger, and it wasn’t nearly as scary last night discussing the prospect of W and me splitting up as it has been in the past. I’m learning. I’m learning to look out for #1 and screw everybody else. I’m learning that nobody is going to look out for me except me. So when it came right down to it I decided that I will no longer hide my future infidelities from W. When I go see K I may not share with him the details, but it will be no secret that I am going out to spend time with another man.

Now, while W spends the next couple of months seeing if he can make things better, or decide where to live if not, I will be taking stock and deciding what I want. I spent a good deal of time two years ago running around like a chicken with her head cut off grasping for goodness knows what – safety, comfort, solace, pleasure. Then I got pulled up short by my relationship with BJ. I idealized the situation (and on a certain level knew that I was idealizing it), and I set aside what I wanted for what we wanted together. Certainly there was a good deal of synergy in what we both wanted, but as with any couple there are differences too. Now I want to sit back and take stock and decide what it is that I, Trueself, really want and as I said I intend to go for what I want come hell or high water and screw everyone else. Everybody else does so why shouldn’t I?

In the meantime while I’m taking stock I’ve got K as a very fine FWB to keep the physical urges satisfied. What I will not, repeat, will not do is fall for K. No, no, no. For now men are for a purpose and that purpose has nothing whatsoever to do with emotion. So sue me.

2:00 p.m.
Shit. This day is impossibly hard and so very very long. I hate that the tears flow so easily and often. Why can't I just take a nap or something? I hate my life.

7:00 p.m.
Well, I finally ended up taking a two hour nap late this afternoon. W fixed me a bowl of oatmeal for dinner at my request, and so far it hasn't upset my stomach. I really think the diarrhea was more related to the emotional stuff than anything else. I asked BJ in an email last night some questions so that I can better understand what happened. So far I've gotten no response, and it's driving me nuts. I really want answers to those questions. W and I have counseling in an hour. I wonder how that's going to go.

10:30 p.m.
Fuck. I am so fucking tired of fucking myself over in counseling. One more fucking time I agree to give the fucking marriage one more fucking try. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.


Anonymous said...

I am sorry you are hurting. I hope with the pain, comes the strength and clarity to propel your life forward. Keep the faith. Andrea

freebird said...

Oh poor TS. I've been away from blogworld a few days and come back to this. I'm so sorry.

>Do you have any idea how hard it is to smile and cheerfully ask about N’s day when you’ve had less than an hour to even process in your head that life as you know it has changed so unexpectedly?

Well, yes, I have a pretty good idea how that feels. I didn't cope too well so can hardly offer you any advice, just a hug from across the pond. Take care.

Anonymous said...

I feel like I am just catching up. Hang in there, take it a minute at a time if you need.

I hope things go well this evening for you. Wishing the best for you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Trueself, just a little note to let you know a hug is being sent your way all the way across the world. I'm thinking of you and hoping things start to clear a little for you soon. Don't feel bad for giving the marriage one last chance, if it's the best you can do at the moment then so be it. Take care of yourself.

Trueself said...

Andrea - I hope for the same thing.

FB - Yes, I know how you can empathize with all the feelings. Life feels impossible to live right now, but I know from you that it is possible to move on. Hang in there friend. We are not alone as long as we have each other to support each other. I appreciate your support.

SM - A minute at a time is all I can handle right now.

Lill - What burns me is I don't think it's the best thing. I don't want to give it another chance. I just really feel like I failed myself last night when I gave in once again.

Karin's Korner said...

TS, oh my I am so sorry to hear about all of this. Please be very careful about what you tell W. If there is to be a divorce he will be able to use infidelities against you. Please be careful!! I am angry with BJ. I think that he took the cowards way out and if you are reading this BJ- Shame on you!! My heart and big hugs are with you. Hang in there my friend!

Trueself said...

Karin - I will be careful how much I share with W. I was angry with BJ at first too, but I think I understand maybe why he did it the way he did.