Run Over Again

Not a car this time though. No, this time BJ blindsided me with a Dear Jane email this afternoon. It seems he's fallen in love with someone else.

Oof. This hurts worse than being hit by a car.

Way worse.

Not that I didn't deserve it. I did. I warned him that once he saw the real me he wouldn't continue to want me. I just wish he'd believed me instead of promising me that wouldn't happen.

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I'm still shell shocked but am starting to come to terms with it. This is in some ways easier to take than earlier breakups with BJ. At least this time he isn't saying that he still loves me. If he has fallen out of love with me then we really don't belong together. I don't want to be with someone that doesn't love me with all their heart. I do wish that he would have been as honest with me as I was with him about things. I did feel him pulling away last week, but I chalked it up to my usual paranoia. I thought he was just missing me because we hadn't been together in a while. Turns out he wasn't missing me at all and was looking for a way to tell me goodbye.

Well, boy oh boy, don't you know I'll be blogging like crazy as my emotions go for the roller coaster ride again. Shall we all strap ourselves in and secure all loose items?

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Gee, what better time to have a big discussion/argument/brouhaha with W than the very evening that I lost the man I love. So we did. We had it out, sort of. I won't get into all the gory details, but I did admit losing a lover today although he made the assumption it was one of the girls from the bi group and I didn't correct him. We've left it that I have the right to pursue any outside relationship I want and that he's got a couple of months to make things better both with how he treats N and with how he treats me. If things don't agree that things are getting better then he will leave. I know it is one of my weaknesses, but if BJ were still in the picture, I would not have hesitated to tell him to get out now yet because he is not I couldn't bring myself to not hold onto some little shred of something.

And yes, I know this is somewhat of a repeat of prior conversations. The only real difference this time is that I've made it clear that with or without his approval or permission I will have at least one FWB on the side.