Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Weird

There’s only one way to describe it: Weird.

Weird is how I felt when N told me that he wanted a picture of my foot to show his friends because they don’t believe I was really hit by a car. I felt even weirder when, after I refused his request, he asked if he could invite them over to see it in person.

Weird is how I felt this morning when I drove past the spot in the parking lot at work where it happened. The last two days W had driven me to work and dropped me off at the door. Today was the first day I drove myself and the first time I returned to “the scene of the crime.” It is almost impossible to describe the feeling I had as I drove past that spot. After I parked I walked the long way around so I wouldn’t walk past the spot. It had never even occurred to me before that I would have that kind of reaction to the place where it happened.

Weird is how it feels every time I go to walk across a street, or through a parking lot, anywhere there is traffic at all. I look both ways, over and over, before crossing. I continue to look both ways as I’m crossing. I look at every vehicle suspiciously as though it might just come after me at any moment.

Rationally this feels like an overreaction to me. I tell myself to get over it. On the other hand, I feel strong resistance within me to letting go of it. It scared me, and I mean really scared me. I was so very lucky that so little injury occurred, and although I’ve tried to play it off as “no big deal” it is a big deal in my head. It is and yet I chide myself for being such a wimp. I’m dealing with nothing compared to others who deal with much worse.

So for now, when people ask “How are you?” and I reply “Doing pretty well, thanks.” I’m really thinking “Weird. That’s how I am. Weird.”

5 comments:

Stinkypaw said...

Your reaction is all but natural, nothing weird about it. If you choose to hang on to it, then it's different, but for now, I'd say it's all good. Anyway, we all already know that you are a little weird...

... just kiddin'! You know that I hope?! Please do!

Val said...

Of course it's a big deal! You are incredibly lucky that your injuries were no more serious than a bruised foot...
Mild PTSD, that's all -- be nice to yourself!
(Reminds me of one of my numerous self-help books titled, I shit you not, "Quit Being Mean to Yourself".)

The Silent Male said...

I agree with the first two.

Before the accident you felt totally safe in your environment. The hurt disrupted your feeling of safety in a big way. Don't let the idea of overreacting get to you. If you have to stop and look both ways three times and give the evil eye to any moving cars, then give in and look all around to be safe. I think your mind and body are kind of in a self-preserving mode and desperately don't want to be under another car. I'll bet that when your mind and body feel safe in your environment again, the urge to look at every car as if it could be coming after you will ease off.

Emily said...

I agree. It's totally normal to be feeling wierded out and checking out the environment for possible threats after something like this.

Sorry I haven't been commenting, Trueself. A combination of technical problems and zero time, lately. But I am very sorry this happened to you and thinking of you

Emily xox

Trueself said...

SP - Good point. Anybody reading this blog would already be aware that I'm weird. ;-)

Val - Mild PTSD, hmm, I had thought of that label but discounted that one could suffer from PTSD even on a mild level from such a small event.

SM - Good point about feeling safe. I did feel safe until it happened. Right now I don't, but I do expect it will get better.

Emily - Thanks for caring and for stopping by to let me know. Sorry you've had technical problems and that you've had zero time. Hope both of those get better for you soon.