Wednesday, January 23, 2008

If the Adjective Fits

Call me crazy, but I am flooded with relief this morning. I am flooded with relief because although BJ has not answered the questions I emailed him he has, after I used some embarrassingly harassing techniques (and no, I’m not the least bit proud of myself), agreed to provide the answers.

I do understand that some of the questions I asked probably won’t be terribly easy to answer and that it could take some time for him to answer them so I promised that if he could just give me a yes answer to the question “Will you answer the questions I emailed?” I would wait patiently for the answers and cease repeatedly haranguing him for answers.

So now I know that I will get answers, probably not answers I will like but answers nonetheless, and knowing that brings me a certain amount of peace in an otherwise decidedly not very peaceful place of mind. It helps to know that even though I don’t have the answers yet that I will at some point. Also, I think he is taking his time to answer the questions not because he wants me to suffer but because he wants to answer them to the best of his ability and to help me understand what happened.

BTW, I will probably not ever share my questions or his answers here on the blog. Like him I really prefer that there be no “he said, she said” between the two of us. It is what it is, and I really do accept that even though it hurts like hell. I have not tried, nor will I try no matter the answers he provides, to regain any foothold in his life. It is clear that he has moved on and so must I.

I will continue to blog the feelings and emotions, the ups and the downs, that go along with my journey but I will keep to myself the details of any interactions between BJ and me from this point forward. Although I’m sure from my blog and his you could choose to pick sides and decide which of us is the “good guy” and which the “bad guy” and some would come down on his side and some on mine. However, the truth is there are no bad guys or good guys here, just two humans who are trying to make their way in the world the best we know how. We both do some things well and some not so well. Please know that once I move through the process of grieving the loss of this relationship I will hold no ill will towards BJ, and I hope nobody else would on my account.

Early Evening Update: More craziness

For right or for wrong I took a step today in the ongoing battle within myself over the marriage. I sent an email to our marriage counselor outlining how I feel about the marriage (it’s over) and how I hate myself that I keep backing down and agreeing to try one more time, one more thing, yada yada. So it’s out there. The counselor now knows that I have lost all desire to put the marriage back together. Why did I do it? To force my hand, I guess. If she knows then I can no longer get by in the counseling sessions by backing down and wimping out. I will have to speak my truth. I should be able to speak my truth without resorting to such measures, but somehow the words always stick in my throat. I guess I’m trying to back myself into such a small corner that there is no other way out, because after wimping out one more time at counseling last night I absolutely can’t imagine how else I am going to force myself to do this thing that I want so very badly.

Afterthoughts (warning: extreme pity party ahead)
And why do I even care that I am hurting W in all of this? Nobody else seems to care that they hurt me. Why shouldn’t I look out just for #1? Why is it so hard for me to develop that attitude? Why do I try so damned hard to make sure everybody else is happy when they don’t do the same for me?


Bunny said...

I'm glad he has agreed to answer your questions and seems to be taking them seriously.

I'm also glad that you have resolved not to try "to regain any foothold in his life." I've done that - tried to win back a lost love - and it doesn't benefit anyone. It just prolongs the pain. Once it is done, it is done. You are right that once the grieving process is complete you must move on.

I feel so bad for the pain you are going through right now. I'm sure BJ is also experiencing some pain. Hurting someone you've cared for can be pretty painful too.

Jeni Angel said...

Thank God.

I went through a break-up with someone I had been with for 2 years. In the span of 20 hours, he went from "I can't wait to see you, I love you so much" (I was out of town) to "I can't be with you anymore"

I begged for months for him to tell me why. He refused. I pretty much was a psycho who stalked him-still refused. I finally moved 3,000 miles. It wasn't 100% because of that, but it was a HUGE factor.

Pretty much everyday I wonder why. So the fact that BJ has agreed to give you the answers you need to good. It will hurt, but it won't haunt you like not knowing will.

I'll be here lurking and pulling for you. Youa re so much stronger than you realize.

The Silent Male said...

I think you are showing a showing strong character in your words. BJ is a part of this, but in truth, this is about you and your life. I think your decision to accept the answers and not throw things into the blog are great. I think it'll be great for you and speaking for me only, I don't have to know that information.

Val said...

Of course BJ owes you some answers, I'm glad he will be providing 'em.
Of course those answers are NOOB (None of Our Business), but we're here to support you & offer solace in whatever shabby, long-distance ways we can...

Trueself said...

Bunny - I think there's plenty of hurt to the both of us, and I really think that he and I are both trying to be as reasonable as our emotions will allow.

Jeni Angel - Thanks for sharing your story. I'm pretty sure I would have turned stalker too if he'd kept ignoring my requests.

SM - Thanks, your respect means a lot to me even if I only know you through the internet.

Val - Yes, I also feel that he owes me that much, to provide a few answers about the situation. Your support and solace are very much felt even at this distance.

mia said...

Trueself, I knew BJ first, and I watched with joy as he found you and the two of you created a bit of happiness for each other during a chaotic time in both of your lives. Even though your relationship is over I think it was definitely for the best for both of you. You are both extraordinary people, and I wish the best for both of you. I hope you can stop hurting soon and find someone who will be everything you need. From what I know of you I know you deserve to be happy. Please remember to let yourself fight for your own happiness first. If you are not happy, nothing else matters.

Trueself said...

Mia - Thank you for your comments. I appreciate that you understand that neither BJ nor I are villains in this. You are right that our relationship filled a need for a certain time in our lives. I won't say that I don't wish it wasn't over, but I wouldn't want him to settle for me if someone else can bring him long term happiness and be a better match for him. I was going to send you an email but couldn't find your email address. You'll find a long IM waiting for you next time you sign on to Yahoo. I hope you'll get back to me either via Yahoo or in an email to me. Thanks again.

freebird said...

TS, this is quite horrible for me to read, especially the unanswered questions part. But in recognising that it has taken me vividly back into the past I can appreciate how much I've moved on. This may sound all about me, but the reason I'm saying it to you is to assure you that one day you will find that, almost without realising it and with the tiniest steps, you too have moved on. It will happen!

Trueself said...

FB - Don't worry about sounding like it's all about you. It gives me hope that things will get better. I remember reading your blog when you were at the stage I am now and it is comforting to know that now you can see things getting better.