Thursday, January 31, 2008

Physically and Intellectually Good, Emotionally Not So Much

It has been three weeks since being run over by a car. The pain has subsided substantially. I am off the anti-inflammatory drugs. The top of my foot looks worse now than when I took the picture that I posted here. I am a little concerned that the wound is not healing and is actually about three times the size it was in the picture. All the bruising is gone, but there is quite a good sized open wound on the top of the foot. In some places it doesn’t even appear to be scabbing over. Not being a medical type at all, I just don’t know what to make of it. I guess I’ll just keep an eye on it for a while. If it starts to look like gangrene or something I guess I’ll call the doctor about it. Other than that though, I’m doing well. I only use my cane now when I’m going to be (1) walking outside where I don’t trust my steadiness yet in the event of icy spots or uneven terrain, (2) on my feet for a goodly amount of time since the longer I stand or walk the more it bothers me, or (3) if I have to go up or down a significant number of stairs. For the most part I am cane-free and pretty much back to normal walking, with barely a limp at all. The paranoia about cars coming after me is decreasing a lot, and I am now able to walk past “the spot” without much angst. I think all of you were right who said I was having a normal reaction to the accident and it would get better over time. I can feel it getting better, even if I do still keep a much warier eye on moving vehicles, which is probably not all that bad a thing.

It has been ten days since I received the Dear Jane email. The roller coaster has definitely slowed way down. I am still sad. I am still grieving. How could I want anything though for the man I love more than his happiness? If his new love gives him that happiness then I wouldn’t ever want to hold him back from that. He and I spoke often of how his wife and my husband clung to us in spite of knowing that the love wasn’t there and wondering why they would do that. I can’t do that. No matter the depth of the hurt to me I can’t hold onto something that just isn’t there. I can’t force it to be there no matter how desperately I might want that. Intellectually I “get it.” Emotionally I’m coming along. I recently attempted to arrange something that would help me emotionally, but I was rebuffed in that attempt. Throughout this thing, it seems that everything done has been done in the most hurtful way possible while claiming to try hurting less. At just one point, I would like to have had the respect shown for me to truly do some piece of this in a less hurtful way. I have begun to think that perhaps things were orchestrated the way they were deliberately to hurt me so badly as to make me the bad guy that won't make nice afterwards. I guess then he wins. At this point, it is over completely. There will not be friendship. There will not be more hurtfulness towards me. There will be nothing. There is nothing. And I am better off for it.

It has been eight days since I sent the counselor the email that set in motion my final ending to my marriage. There is no turning back now, no backing down. I will calmly explain what it is that I want, and I will refuse to get dragged into an emotional battle. I know the things I need to say, and I know the things I shouldn’t say (no discussion of infidelity advised the counselor, even if he pushes the issue, and I’m going to take that advice). Intellectually, I know what I’ve got to do and how to do it. Emotionally I’m a wreck over this one.

I’m thinking of taking myself on a little vacation once things settle down (so it won’t be for a while yet). I might head to the west coast for a few days, just to chill out and breathe different air and see different scenery and take a few moments to contemplate life. Anybody out there on the west coast want to meet for drinks or dinner or put me up (and put up with me) for a night or two? If so, email me.

Also, due to the plethora of posting that has occurred recently, I think many readers probably missed when I posted this. I encourage you to go back and read it. Read the bolded parts particularly. There are people in this world who underestimate me. Underestimating me is not a good thing to do. There is some amount of strength inside me, and I do believe every one of those statements I bolded is a true statement about me. I will survive all of this, every bit, and I will come out stronger on the other side.

8 comments:

The Silent Male said...

I could talk to my wife about having a visitor. I think, though, that she would think I was just after the sex. That's not really true, I would be much more interested in the bisexual play and threesomes. Other than that, we don't live quite that close to an ocean (but it is a kind of short drive).

Jeni Angel said...

I don't live in a WARM place on the West Coast (except summers are gorgeous), but my couch is ALWAYS open. If you come in May or August, I won't even be here! You could have my car and condo!

Either way, you are welcome.

Val said...

We are always happy to make space for ya here in TX -- not the prettiest time of year to visit (I would rec April, when the bluebonnets are out), but lots of space, plenty of peace & quiet...
Formal invite coming!

Val said...

oh & P.S...The injury to your foot is called a degloving injury -- oftentimes the trauma "under the skin" is much more extensive than is initially recognized! Keep moving (good circulation), hydrotherapy (I have a jacuzzi tub!), keep clean & dry...
Add large grain of salt bcz of course I have no license to practice HUMAN medicine ;-)

Trueself said...

SM - Hmm, you were expecting payment for the accomodations, eh? ;-) You just never know what kind of goods and services could be bartered.

Jeni - Thank you for your kind offer. Be careful I just may take you up on it!

Val - One of these days maybe I'll bring N with me for a visit. I'll bet he'd have a grand time with your son, and your animals. He loves animals.
Thanks for the medical info. Even if you aren't allowed to practice human medicine I'm pretty sure I can trust you on this one. You actually made me give a sigh of relief. As usual, I made a mountain out of a molehill in my mind and was pretty well convinced they'd be amputating the foot next week. :-P

Bunny said...

I'm on Michigan's west coast? Does that work? It's the east coast of Lake Michigan and that can be nice . . .

Keep an eye on your foot. You don't have type two diabetes, do you? A lot of heavy people have it and don't realize it. Poor circulation in the feet can lead to poor healing of foot wounds which can lead to losing the foot -- I've seen it happen in my own family. If it doesn't seem to be healing, see your doctor sooner rather than later. Please.

snow66 said...

I've been a student of internet romance for over 10 years. There is a very good chance that this thing with BJ and Serenity will burn itself out within a couple of months. I've seen it a hundred times. When someone claims to be "helpless in the face of it", there is usually major projecting going on. In other words, when the glow wears off, declarations of IT WAS MEANT TO BE strike us as a little foolish. I've been through it myself, have witnessed it in dozens of blogs and dozens of chat communities. I pass no judgment on anyone involved here but I reach out to you because you are the one hurting. I hope my experience can soothe that, even if just a tiny bit.

Trueself said...

Bunny - Well your west coast is a helluva lot closer than THE west coast. Maybe I'll come visit when the Spousehole isn't around. I'd hate to get violent on vacation.

No diabetes here, thank goodness, and yes I've been checked fairly recently. I will keep an eye on the wound though.

Snow - Thanks for the words of wisdom.