Physically and Intellectually Good, Emotionally Not So Much

It has been three weeks since being run over by a car. The pain has subsided substantially. I am off the anti-inflammatory drugs. The top of my foot looks worse now than when I took the picture that I posted here. I am a little concerned that the wound is not healing and is actually about three times the size it was in the picture. All the bruising is gone, but there is quite a good sized open wound on the top of the foot. In some places it doesn’t even appear to be scabbing over. Not being a medical type at all, I just don’t know what to make of it. I guess I’ll just keep an eye on it for a while. If it starts to look like gangrene or something I guess I’ll call the doctor about it. Other than that though, I’m doing well. I only use my cane now when I’m going to be (1) walking outside where I don’t trust my steadiness yet in the event of icy spots or uneven terrain, (2) on my feet for a goodly amount of time since the longer I stand or walk the more it bothers me, or (3) if I have to go up or down a significant number of stairs. For the most part I am cane-free and pretty much back to normal walking, with barely a limp at all. The paranoia about cars coming after me is decreasing a lot, and I am now able to walk past “the spot” without much angst. I think all of you were right who said I was having a normal reaction to the accident and it would get better over time. I can feel it getting better, even if I do still keep a much warier eye on moving vehicles, which is probably not all that bad a thing.

It has been ten days since I received the Dear Jane email. The roller coaster has definitely slowed way down. I am still sad. I am still grieving. How could I want anything though for the man I love more than his happiness? If his new love gives him that happiness then I wouldn’t ever want to hold him back from that. He and I spoke often of how his wife and my husband clung to us in spite of knowing that the love wasn’t there and wondering why they would do that. I can’t do that. No matter the depth of the hurt to me I can’t hold onto something that just isn’t there. I can’t force it to be there no matter how desperately I might want that. Intellectually I “get it.” Emotionally I’m coming along. I recently attempted to arrange something that would help me emotionally, but I was rebuffed in that attempt. Throughout this thing, it seems that everything done has been done in the most hurtful way possible while claiming to try hurting less. At just one point, I would like to have had the respect shown for me to truly do some piece of this in a less hurtful way. I have begun to think that perhaps things were orchestrated the way they were deliberately to hurt me so badly as to make me the bad guy that won't make nice afterwards. I guess then he wins. At this point, it is over completely. There will not be friendship. There will not be more hurtfulness towards me. There will be nothing. There is nothing. And I am better off for it.

It has been eight days since I sent the counselor the email that set in motion my final ending to my marriage. There is no turning back now, no backing down. I will calmly explain what it is that I want, and I will refuse to get dragged into an emotional battle. I know the things I need to say, and I know the things I shouldn’t say (no discussion of infidelity advised the counselor, even if he pushes the issue, and I’m going to take that advice). Intellectually, I know what I’ve got to do and how to do it. Emotionally I’m a wreck over this one.

I’m thinking of taking myself on a little vacation once things settle down (so it won’t be for a while yet). I might head to the west coast for a few days, just to chill out and breathe different air and see different scenery and take a few moments to contemplate life. Anybody out there on the west coast want to meet for drinks or dinner or put me up (and put up with me) for a night or two? If so, email me.

Also, due to the plethora of posting that has occurred recently, I think many readers probably missed when I posted this. I encourage you to go back and read it. Read the bolded parts particularly. There are people in this world who underestimate me. Underestimating me is not a good thing to do. There is some amount of strength inside me, and I do believe every one of those statements I bolded is a true statement about me. I will survive all of this, every bit, and I will come out stronger on the other side.