I Love a Quiz That is Right On Target

Which Author's Fiction are You?

Jane Austen wrote you. You are extremely aware of the power of a single word.
Take this quiz!








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Well, this one definitely didn't surprise me. Jane Austen has long been a favorite author of mine, and I read most, if not all, of her books when I was in high school and college. It makes me want to go back and reread them again because it's been a while since I've read them.

PSA for Those Who Love Women

Click here for spectacular awesome wonderful advice. Warning: Not for the faint of heart. That's why I only linked to it and didn't post it here. I seldom go that graphic about things, but my oh my that post has some very valuable advice.

Excuse me while I go fan myself, or do something to myself anyway.

Wow! 500!

I've seen celebrations of blog anniversaries and hitting 100 posts and 200 posts. I am sure there have also been celebrations of 500 posts. I just can't think of any right now. But here I am at 500 so let the celebration begin! Not that I'm much in the mood for a celebration these days, but who can resist a party?

How does one appropriately celebrate their 500th post? I don't know, but I think like everything else I do in life I'll just wing it. That's pretty much what I've done for the other 499 posts.

It has taken me about a year and a half to post 500 times on this blog. I've probably started and killed another 50 or so posts for various reasons, generally because either I decided the idea sucked or I'd get interrupted and by the time I got back to it things had changed and it didn't make sense anymore. Such is life in Trueself's world.

Life has taken some dramatic twists and turns since I started this blog. I've had more going on in the last year and a half than I had in the 10 years prior taken all together. I am not interesting. I do not feel that I write anything that anyone would want to read, and yet some 40 or so people stop by each day. That's not a lot but probably 20 times the number I ever thought I'd have. Although I mostly blog about my sex (or lack of sex) life and my various relationships I take detours into all sorts of things as they come up in my life.

I can't imagine what I would have done without this blog to record my thoughts. Well, yes I can. I would've had some password protected Word document to store it all. Of course, had I done that I would've gotten no feedback from anyone, and I value the feedback I get. I value all types of feedback, everything from sympathy and support to challenges and critique to even the handful (thankfully very few) of mean spirited criticisms. Ever think I wouldn't want your comment? WRONG! I love comments. I am a comment whore. Please comment. Speak your mind! I welcome all comments. Well, no, not all. I do not welcome spam comments (hence the cumbersome word verification) nor do I welcome comments from Anonymous. I find that Anonymous is generally a jerk, not always but more times than not, so I've kept him/her from posting comments as well. Hell, if you can't comment under a pseudo secret screenname, then you really are a coward the likes of which I don't care to engage in discussion. (Geez, I really ought to learn how to tell it like it is, huh?)

Do I ever intend to quit blogging? Never!! I can't even imagine quitting. I can't imagine ever running out of things to say. I also can't imagine anyone else gives a good gosh darn about it, but I've made a small network of friends through my blog so apparently I say something worth reading occasionally. Even if I lost all of my readers though I'd still keep blogging. Everybody ought to keep a diary of some sort.

Blogging -- It's the diary that talks back. (I kind of borrowed that from Freebird without her permission. Sorry FB!)

Do Men Have No Souls?

How’s that for an attention grabbing title? That is the thought that is rattling around in my head these days. Now that I have your attention like the well-placed teaser for news at 11:00, I'll back down like they do to the real story. I guess I probably mean emotion more than soul (although I tend to equate the two somewhat), and I just don’t see a lot of emotion coming from men.

Truth be told, when I see emotion coming from men it is anger, full of fury and violence, and those aren’t the men I hang around. Nope, I’m not into the yelling or the hitting or any of that. It seems though that men who aren’t like that also aren’t very expressive of any other emotions either.

If I were to graph my emotions on a scale where 10 equals the most positive emotion that could be felt and expressed (gushing with pride, for example) and -10 equals the most negative emotion that could be felt and expressed (throwing an all out fall on the floor temper tantrum, for example) then you would probably see lots of points on the chart falling into the 5-8 range on both ends of the scale. If you were to graph either W or BJ’s I dare say they would seldom cross a 5 and generally hover around a 1-3 range on either the positive or negative scale. They tend to be very flat in their emotions.

When I get excited about an idea, I absolutely gush about it and throw energy behind it, until I run smack dab into the wall that is man, the one who says flatly, “yes, I really like that idea; you should do that.” Yawn. . . At a ball game, N and I will be cheering, high fiving each other, jumping for joy when the Illini make a touchdown. W on the other hand sits there, smiles, and says something like “Good job.” There are certain things that just don’t seem to be “allowed” like enthusiasm, excitement, unabated joy, but then again on the other side there are no tears, no anguish, no visible signs of sadness or bereavement.

Would I give up my extreme highs to avoid the extreme lows? Not on your life. Not ever ever ever. I may feel the pains more sharply, leave myself open to more hurt, but the top end of the scale is so worth it to me. I so much enjoy feeling things, even if it means opening myself to the pain in order to open myself to the pleasure. Am I wrong? Should I really tone myself down? Temper the emotions? Is living on a more even keel so much better? Am I doing myself a disservice by allowing myself to feel the full range of the emotional spectrum? I don’t know. I hope not.

Excuses, But Trying One More Time

I’m full of excuses. I’ve got a million of them, handy dandy for any occasion. Yep, a million excuses. So what are my real reasons? What am I hiding with those excuses? What am I so afraid of that I refuse to look at it, to see it and recognize it for what it is?

The answer to that is that I don’t know. I do not know what it is that is blocking me from being real, from acknowledging whatever that truth is in there tucked away deep in my psyche. I do know that it is there though. I do know that there is something so scary to me that I refuse to go there to allow myself to see it. I’ve tried and I’m continuing to try, but so far it has me stymied. What I wouldn’t give to have that thing shaken free, whatever it is, whatever has me scared to the core of my being. After all, how bad can it be? Obviously, it must be pretty overwhelming to keep me stuck for so long.

I am scared. I know that much. As in scared to the point of incapacitation. Afraid to move in any direction. Afraid to look you in the eye when I speak to you. Afraid you’ll see whatever it is. Afraid you’ll know. Know what? Whatever that unspeakable unthinkable thing is. Afraid you will hate me for whatever it is. Do other people feel this way, or is it just me? And why is it so much easier to ignore it, whatever it is, when I’m shored up by having a relationship? Why do I need that? Why am I doing this to myself? It always comes back to this. Always. Every single time. Over and over through the years. There is something out there holding me back from being a real genuine person.

Trying One More Time

I must accept that BJ and I are over. We are over. We are finished. We tried, and it didn’t work out. We must move on. We must leave one another behind to leave ourselves open to better things. If I say it often enough will I believe it? Maybe in time. I hate this part of it, the part where I fight to regain a foothold, a toehold, anything at all to stay connected. I do it every time. Like Stinkypaw said in a recent comment I’ve been here before just last year. Same song, different guy. When will I learn to put up the defenses and not let anyone in where they can hurt me? Yes, I know how that last question sounds. Yes, I know. I know, I know, I know. It is easy to understand though why people don’t let anyone in, to protect against the hurt. Truly I don’t let many people in for that very reason. I try and try to protect myself, to wall myself away from the world, but always someone breaks through. I start to long for a connection so badly that I open myself completely, allow myself to care, only to get squashed one more time. Hmm, maybe the answer is to open myself just a little to a whole lot of people. Then again, that sounds really scary too.

So I’m trying. Trying to allow myself time to get over this. Trying not to get in a hurry to get my life turned around. Trying to talk myself out of becoming a hermit. Trying to stop making excuses so I can find and fix the real problem. Trying, trying, trying one more time. Gotta try just one more time.

And in the meantime, let's sit back and enjoy a little tune by Bowling for Soup:

All the Randomosity That is Mine

• N’s soccer team lost 3 games and ended one in a tie at their tournament this weekend.


• The weather was beautiful this weekend, sunny and hot just like I like it. No matter where I go there are idiots who go on and on about wanting fall weather and how wonderful it is, blah, blah, blah. One of them is going to walk away with a black eye one of these days.


• I have learned that I can bounce from denial to anger to bargaining and back again in oh, I’d say about 30 seconds.


• If I could just stop checking BJ's blog 20 times a day I’d be in a better place.


• If I could stop checking my blog’s stats to see if he’s checked my blog (he hasn’t since September 8) I’d be in an even better place.


• As much as I’m driving myself nuts with all this, I do understand that this is pretty much an inevitable process for me, and I will eventually calm back down to an even keel.


• Part of me is extremely happy he isn’t checking my blog because I’ve been painfully honest here, and I’m not entirely sure I’d be happy with him reading some things I’ve posted in the last couple of weeks.


• I made one more huge step (for me) this weekend. I had arranged to meet one of my friends for lunch on Sunday between N’s morning and afternoon soccer games. Instead of asking W if I could, I simply informed him that’s what I would be doing. Okay, so I’ve done similar things recently, but the big step I made was that I didn’t feel rebellious doing it. It is starting to just feel normal not to ask permission to do things. One might even consider this as part of building the foundation for true adulthood.


• The more conversations I have with women the more convinced I become that (1) I will be able to survive without W, (2) I am not alone in my ambivalence about leaving a long term relationship that has gone bad and (3) I do believe I really am going to get there in my own time, to that place where I can really walk away from him and let him own his decisions on where he goes from there.

And let's top it off with a rhetorical question, shall we? Of course, I knew you'd agree. Thank you.

Why is it the one you don't want will fight tooth and nail to keep you, but the one you do want won't?

Heart Troubles

BJ contacted me tonight on IM. My heart stopped, thinking maybe something was different, maybe something had changed. I couldn't have been more wrong. Apparently, he really just isn't that into me. He was happy to have friendly conversation apparently unaware that everytime we do that it rips a new hole in my heart. So I told him. I told him that with every contact we have it reopens the wound. As long as we are unable to compromise with one another on certain issues then we have to admit that the love is not strong enough I said to him, and he agreed that the love between us is not strong enough to overcome certain barriers.

I told him we have to stop communicating with one another because it is hurting me too much to continue doing so. He agreed that he did not want to prolong my pain so he agreed to end all contact with me. I know, in my head, that this is the very best thing. My heart, however, is not so convinced.

Now with just about anyone else I'd be wondering how quickly he'd crack and contact me. Not with BJ. I know he won't. It's just not in his character to let his emotions rule over his thoughts. Once he stated that he would no longer contact me I knew with certainty that he would live up to that.

Well, guess I better get to bed now so I can toss and turn without sleeping for a few hours.

As Promised Earlier

The Dream
I have come back from a medical procedure of some sort where I was off work just a few days. Rather than coming back to my fairly new job with a new department, I go back as agreed beforehand to my old job with my old department because they need help. When I get back there it becomes obvious that they don’t want me for a couple of days just to help out. They expect me to stay for a couple of weeks and do all the same things I used to do for month end close. However, I’m not sure the new supervisor and new department are going to be very happy about that. I try to find a way to move back into the new department right away, but the head of the old department prevents it. The new supervisor is frustrated that I am not there with them, yet the old supervisor is holding onto me tenaciously. However, in the midst of all this I have been working on a totally different project with a totally different area of the company, preparing a magazine for publication. The person for whom I have been doing this work comes to see me and is very impressed. The only frustration in this is that I keep losing the page that has my editorial on it, and I am so proud of it and want to show it off yet I keep losing it and thumbing through the pages only to find it and then lose it again. In spite of that glitch, she (who happened to be Susan Lucci in the dream; weird) is so impressed that when the CEO stops by she calls him into the conference room and starts to go over my work with him. We (they) decided we should have a full team meeting about this, and we all go over to my house where Susan Lucci brings plenty of food and wine. I spend a good deal of time getting the food laid out for us as the rest of the team is drinking wine, laughing and talking. W and N arrive home and I warn them of the gathering at the house and ask them to please stay out of the way as I am trying to impress these people and may have a whole different opportunity that would take me in a whole new direction. I’m a little intimidated by this group of people, and not quite sure I fit in well, but it would be such an exciting opportunity.

My Interpretation
The whole workplace represents my life as it is now. The old supervisor = W, the new supervisor = BJ, and this different work team = my bi friends group. I’m really wanting to transition from W to BJ, but W has a hold on me that I can’t seem to shake. BJ is frustrated with the situation, and I’m none too sure I’ll make it to that new place in life with him. My bi friends are a group that provides me with a whole different outlet for my energies and my passions. I am excited about that, but also a bit uncertain and afraid and perhaps holding myself on the edge of the group. However, I have no idea why Susan Lucci planted herself into my dream other than I’ve been watching her on All My Children for at least 30 years so she was a familiar and handy person to plunk into that role maybe.

Further Analysis
Although in a work situation the supervisors would have control and have to fight it out among themselves, in my life I have control of the direction I take if I choose to exercise that control. However, I have not so far chosen to exercise that control but have more or less handed that over to W and BJ in the hopes they would fight it out amongst themselves so that I didn’t have to make the hard decisions. That isn’t going to fly. And then here is this other group of people, my bi friends, who offer me something entirely different. It isn’t even necessarily a romantic or carnal connection, but it is definitely friendship with kindred spirits and something I’ve not experienced often in my lifetime. Friends to me have been few and far between, particularly female friends, and very rarely female friends with whom I could talk honestly about things in my life. These budding friendships are wonderful and yet something holds me back from really enjoying them because I fear that they too once they know too much of the real me will back away.

And Then Again
Maybe sometimes a dream is just a dream and means nothing.

Earworm with Irony

There's a song that has just planted itself in my head lately. I can't shake it no matter what. I try getting other songs stuck there to replace it but to no avail. So what's a girl to do but see what videos there may be on YouTube to this song. I do so hope you'll enjoy it with me now.

As goofy as these guys are acting you've gotta figure that under the kind of stress they must be under day in and day out they deserve a little goofball fun on occasion.
100% support for the troops.
0% support for the war.
___________________________________

In other news, could my horoscope for today be more timely? I think not.

Your fantasies have been rather satisfying, but now this escapist behavior won't help you reach your goals. Although your most vivid dreams are more colorful than real life, don't let them lure you off track. You will never know what is possible unless you give it a chance by telling others what you truly want.

___________________________________

One other thing. I had a very vivid dream last night, quite detailed, and I remember much of it. I also think I know what it represents. More on this later when I have the time to write it out.

In Case Anyone Had a Doubt

Your Score: Tri-Lamb Material

73 % Nerd, 43% Geek, 82% Dork

For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.
You scored better than half in Nerd and Dork, earning you the coveted title of: Tri-Lamb Material.

The classic, "80's" nerd, you are what most people think of when they think "nerd," largely due to 80's movies like Revenge of the Nerds and TV shows like Head of the Class. You're exceptionally bright and smart, and partly because of that have never quite fit in with your peers or social groups. Perhaps you've realized, or will someday, that it is possible to retain all of the things that you like about being brilliant and still make peace with the social cliques around you. Or maybe you won't--it's really not necessary. As the brothers of Lambda Lambda Lambda discovered, you're fine just the way you are and can take pride in that. I mean, who wants to be like Ogre, right!?

Congratulations!

Link: The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test written by donathos on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Also, just because it seemed like a fun thing to have a pirate name:

My pirate name is:

Mad Anne Kidd

Every pirate is a little bit crazy. You, though, are more than just a little bit. Even though you're not always the traditional swaggering gallant, your steadiness and planning make you a fine, reliable pirate. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
part of the fidius.org network

So I Guess I Do Have a Soul After All

You Are a Seeker Soul

You are on a quest for knowledge and life challenges. You love to be curious and ask a ton of questions. Since you know so much, you make for an interesting conversationalist. Mentally alert, you can outwit almost anyone (and have fun doing it!). Very introspective, you can be silently critical of others. And your quiet nature makes it difficult for people to get to know you. You see yourself as a philosopher, and you take everything philosophically. Your main talent is expressing and communicating ideas. Souls you are most compatible with: Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Wishing for What I Don't Have

No, I don't even mean what you think I mean in the title.

What I'm wishing for right now is someone who would stay by my side and talk me down every time I get into my head that I need to contact BJ. Like right now, I am so terribly tempted to call him to find out how things went this morning. I want to know how he's doing, and that he's okay. Okay, fine, I just wanna talk to him, okay? Fine, I know it isn't the right thing to do. Fine. Fine. That's why I wish I had someone here to slap me every time that thought comes into my head and then help me refocus onto something else -- like work! Fine. Returning to work now. Really. Not thinking about him anymore this afternoon. Really. Fine. It's fine. It's all fine.

More Fairy Tales

A little over a year ago, I wrote this post. In it I put forth the following:

This may sound weird, but I would love to have the following arrangement with W. We would sell our house and buy two condos in the same complex, or perhaps a duplex, where we could each maintain our own home and lead lives independent of one another, but would still be near enough to help each other. W would continue to care for N during the day as he does now, we would on most days all have dinner together, and N would spend the evening with me and sleep at my place. We would trade off watching N for each other when one of us wanted to go out with friends or on dates. I would help W with remembering to take his meds and keep various appointments. W would help me by running various errands like taking the car in for service. We would do our best not to interfere in each other's lives, allowing each other to have their own social life. This would all work for me, but I fear it would not work well for W. He would not want to live separate lives. Indeed, if he could, he would spend 24/7 with me. I feel smothered.

I still feel pretty much the same way. I wish there were a way that W and I could remain friends, still coparent N, but divorce and lead independent lives. I wouldn't even mind if W stayed in the guest room. I guess I want a different kind of a family, a different kind of living situation, from the norm. I want my freedom. I could see us setting up a schedule to which we would each agree that would cover when each of us was responsible for N. When it was my turn, I'd know I had to be there for N whether at home or taking him out doing something. When it was W's turn, I would have the freedom to come and go as I please. Of course, this would then also work in the reverse giving W freedom also. Living together but not together. We would not be required to keep each other apprised of our whereabouts, our comings and goings. We would simply live in the same realm but without the connections that are stifling me right now. We would be friends, housemates, but without the confines that currently restrict so much that I want to do and who I want to be.

I'm pretty darn sure this fantasy couldn't turn into reality. Oh, but if it could what a wonderful world it would be.
______________________________

And in other realms, I am fighting an urge, an urge to write BJ a quick email or text message wishing him luck on his interview today. It seems like such a nice kind little gesture. However, I know it is just opening that little crack in the door to do so. Instead, I'm just blogging about and hoping the urge passes without me succumbing to it. Strength, Lord, give me strength.

I’m Dying Here

OMG, could I be any more stupid? No, I think not. I went into full bargaining mode this morning and sent the most pathetic email in the world to BJ begging for us to reconcile. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Damn, I’ve been so good until now, spewing all my nonsense here on the blog and behaving myself in real life, and now I just blow it all in one big ridiculous email. There is no answer he can give but “No, it’s over. Leave me alone.” Did I feel that I needed to force that, to make him so miserable he had no choice to but to cut me off? Yeah, apparently I did.

Oh dear God, I really don’t want to read his reply if he sends one. Please, please, please if there are internet gods out there, please let my earlier email to BJ be lost in the ether somewhere, never to arrive in his inbox.
______________________

UPDATE:
He got the email and sent a reply. It took me a while to open it and read it. He is a kind man, a gentle man, a gentleman. He acts with more dignity than anyone else I've ever known. He said what needed to be said but in such a kind and gentle way how could I possibly be angry? I can't. Only sad. Very very sad. How many tears do you suppose it will take to get through this? Just rhetorical, no prizes for those who come closest without going over the actual number.

Soccer Update

Because I just can't talk about the other crap in my life right now, I'll write an update on the Great Soccer Debacle of 2007.

We met with the coach last night. It went as well as it could. The coach did take responsibility for the confusion and apologized to us. I was much happier with the situation than I had anticipated because he listened to our side, and I do feel that he gained a greater understanding of our side of things and how it impacted us. Given my mood when I went it was almost a let down because I was just itching for a fight. I behaved myself though.

And one little thing about things at home. I came so close over dinner last night to telling W to leave. I just didn't want to do it in front of N. God, I have to settle this soon. W needs to go. I need to find the strength to do that. Soon. I so badly need to do that, even if it means being by myself. I hate that I can't seem to find the inner strength to do it.

Everybody Loves a Bargain

Wow, I really didn’t expect to hit this stage of grief for a while. No, I thought anger would hang around a whole lot longer than it did. Who knows though? He may come back. Nobody says you have to take these stages in separate and distinct chunks. You can always flow from one to another and back again.

Bargaining started when I received an email today from BJ. I had asked him in an email earlier in the day asking the following:

What are you hoping is going to happen here? Why, in your opinion, are we still communicating with one another?

What did I expect him to say? I guess I was still thinking that there would be something he would offer me that would allow us to work towards a relationship together (see there’s that denial sneaking back in for a bit), or that he would tell me something, what I have no idea, that would make things all better.

Anyway, I got his reply. It wasn’t at all what I wanted to hear. It was very clear that in his mind we are over, pure and simple. But he ended with “I will always love you [Trueself].” My first thoughts flew to what if I did this or changed that or made this concession or, or, or. . . (and really, it's just too embarassing even to admit to myself some of the bargains that ran through my head) Trying to bargain my way out of it. The good news is that I stopped myself before I replied to his email with any of those bargains I wanted to strike. No, there is no bargain good enough, big enough, whole enough to make this right. There just isn’t. Damn it. Also, now I think he’s going back on something that he said he would help me handle. When he offered I told him he was being way too nice to me, but he disagreed and continued to hold out that offer. Now it sounds like the offer has been taken back. So I’m on my own, really and truly on my own to deal with something. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it! (Oops, guess that anger isn’t exactly gone yet either.)

Could I make a bigger mess of my life if I tried harder? I think not. Okay, the anger stage isn’t gone. No. It’s still here. Larger than life. I think I need to go home and punch a pillow. . . really hard. . . several times. . . and yell. . . really loudly. Fortunately, I have time to do that as soon as I leave work and before I go to meet with the soccer coach.

Poor soccer coach. Having to deal with me today. Poor man. Please pray for him.

One Straw Too Many

Ha! A real sign of me exiting the denial stage of this grief process is finally being able to admit to the straw that broke the camel's back of the relationship. Yes, I've finally come around to admitting it to myself.

I can't share much of it here due to respecting BJ's privacy. It is a subject about which he should choose whether or not to share. I have no right to violate his privacy by sharing it here. Let me just say that several times he brought up a topic that he was exploring that I tried to ignore. When he would bring it up I would try to gently persuade him that it was not the right course of action, but never drew a line in the sand thinking he should come to his own decision. It was something I felt strongly that nobody should do, yet it is something which is somewhat controversial having it's proponents as well as opponents. Finally, one day not so very long ago he brought it up yet again, was going to be talking to a professional about it and seriously considering it. My heart pounded. I could no longer stay silent on the subject and told him that I would have to seriously think about what he was saying because that particular thing had always been a deal breaker to me. I could tell he was hurt that I couldn't be happy and supportive of him in this.

So that's it. That's the real deal breaker. All those other things, they're all valid reasons too, but this one thing, this was the straw that broke the camel's back. If later, I find out that he chooses not to go through with it, that after learning all about it he decides it isn't for him, I might have a change of heart about our chances. But for right now I am very angry that he would consider an action that I consider to be all about vanity and too dangerous to risk. For all my squawking about the other issues, it is this one that even Dreaming Trueself can't get around, can't find an excuse for, or a way to reconcile in my mind. As scary as he found my talk of suicide is how I find his talk of this action. And even if we aren't ever together again, I pray fervently that all will go well with him particularly if he chooses this course of action.

Totally Completely Irrational Thought of the Day

BJ, after his divorce is final, quits his job and moves to LNJ to be with Trueself. By then W is out of the picture, and BJ “rents” the guest room in Trueself’s house. He and N get to know each other simply as tenant and landlady’s son. They hit it off. BJ finds a job of some kind, not the perfect job, but one that would be satisfactory until a better one comes along. Eventually Trueself introduces the idea to N that BJ might make a decent stepfather. N agrees. Trueself and BJ marry. BJ moves from the guest room to Trueself’s room. They all live happily ever after.

And because I know better than to believe in fairy tales, here's my new theme song:

It’s All the Rage

Hello, blog dwellers. Welcome to my world. It’s a lovely place filled with happy people everywhere. Yes everybody is just happy, happy, happy.

Oh wait. No, that’s just the façade I put on each day. That has nothing whatsoever to do with how I really feel. What I really feel is anger and rage. Grief stage #2. It’s a classic. Yes, Dreaming Trueself (DTS) has fallen from the canoe into the river of denial, washed ashore, and is mad at the injustice of the situation.

DTS: I’m mad that the forces that are in the world won’t allow BJ to find the perfect job near here, and he won’t move unless he finds it.
Realistic Trueself (RTS): BJ’s career is important to him. He can’t take just any job just to be with you. That is a very unrealistic expectation.
DTS: Well, I’m mad that even if he did find a job near here it wouldn’t solve all our problems.
RTS: Every relationship has problems. You can’t blame him for your shortcomings.
DTS: Okay, fine, but I’m mad that W won’t just leave the way I want him to leave. He’s making me choose between having him take off for parts unknown or stay with him forever, and that makes it harder for me to leave him so that I would be free if BJ ever was close enough to have a real relationship.
RTS: Don’t let W hold you hostage. If he chooses to fuck up his relationship with N you can’t prevent that. You can only control you not him. Call his bluff. Tell him to move on.
DTS: Damn it! You’re making me mad with all your logical, rational shit. Go talk to someone else.
RTS: I can’t. I’m you. You’re stuck with me. Neener, neener.
DTS: Shut up!
RTS: I’m just you. Seems like you can’t shut yourself up.
DTS: Oh fine. So I’m also mad that I’m not going to get to see BJ this weekend all because of the stupid bleeping coach of N’s soccer team screwing us over with the team reassignment.
RTS: Ah, but in fact you probably shouldn’t see BJ again anyway. You really just need to make a clean break of it, and move on. If you really think about it, everybody in this mess ought to move on, and get on with their real life. Stop treading water and just move on.
DTS: But I want BJ. I want a life with him, and I am furious that I am not going to have that with him. Furious!
RTS: You’re the one that broke it off remember? You’re the one that said here are the deal breakers. He’s just the one that offered nothing that changed anything you said. He’s the one that agreed with each point you made, and told you he could understand why you feel as you do. You saw the situation for what it is. Now you have to accept it.
DTS: Fuck you!
RTS: You’re welcome. You aren’t going to rattle me with your anger. It is what it is. See you soon when you head into the bargaining stage. I always love a bargain. . .

-----------------------------------------------------------------

EDIT (11:00 a.m.)
I really am in a full on rage today. God help anybody who sets me off today. In spite of being fully aware of it, and understanding the causes of it, I feel very little control over it. I am just one big raging bitch today. I really want to go yell and scream and punch and kick and just have me a good old temper tantrum somewhere. Please, dear God, let my poor innocent coworkers sense that today is not the day to bug me.

So Where We At Anyway?

I don’t know, time to stop, take stock, look around and see what the status of things is at the moment.

BJ – Still chatting daily. Had to cancel plans for this Friday with him due to the Great Soccer Debacle of 2007. (see further update on that below) Having my good and bad moments when thinking about or chatting with him. Every chat with him leaves me forced to acknowledge that it isn’t ever going to be. Damn. This leads to the update on the:

Grief Process – Heading into the anger phase. Denial still pops his head in occasionally but with less regularity. Anger is moving in to take the reins for now. This is a topic worthy of it’s own post in a day or two as Rational Trueself and Dreaming Trueself rage at each other in my head.

W – Still driving me crazy. Trying to rein him in from being a raging lunatic when we talk to the coach about the Great Soccer Debacle of 2007. And on another front, why, why, why does he have to do things to provoke N repeatedly? If you know flicking water in his face makes him mad, then why do it? What perverse pleasure does W get from doing shit like that?

N – Learned a good lesson this weekend I think due to the Great Soccer Debacle of 2007. I explained that he had every right to be very angry and disappointed over the situation. I also explained that it is short sighted, though tempting, to just get mad and quit. I pointed out that the soccer club has a policy and procedure in place and that we would follow that in order to deal with the situation rather than acting like raging lunatics.

The Great Soccer Debacle of 2007 – Wrote a letter to the coach and sent it via email this morning requesting a meeting to discuss what happened. I wrote it in my most rational, logical manner, expressing that our greatest desire is to work through this situation amicably as we wish N to have every chance to be successful with his soccer endeavors. I outlined the problems I have with the situation and the outcomes that I expect from our meeting, always emphasizing the desire to resolve the situation in a way that satisfies all involved. I’m just going to coolly, rationally, logically push my points until the coach has no choice but to apologize to us. I will not raise my voice. I will not lose my temper. I will however not back down. Mess with me? Yeah, I’ll take a lot. Mess with my son? Watch out, mama grizzly on the loose, but in ninja stealth mode. I’ll take you down before you ever know what hit you.

Anything I haven’t updated here? Don’t think so. Well, I didn’t share what I’m having for lunch today – leftover pizza from last night. Now you’ve got the full update, all that’s true in Trueself’s life.

Oh, and one last thing, to all you people who love autumn and cooler weather and all that shit, SHUT UP! Thank you so much. Those of us who love our warm summer weather would just as soon not be reminded that we're headed into cold dreary winter which we'll have to struggle through to get to spring when the promise of summer is in the air.

Yikes!

Just read my horoscope for today:

Removing your padded gloves is okay as long as you realize that if you hit someone with combative words, you are likely to be hit back. Don't start something unless you are certain that you want to fully engage. It might be more beneficial for you to wage peace, not war, in your personal life.

Alrighty then. Approaching the day with caution. . .

What I'm Listening to

Livid

Drove and hour and a half last night to the soccer tournament location, spent the night in a hotel, got up early this morning to make it to the tournament by 8:30 a.m. We ran about 15 minutes late, but at least we made it. Game didn't start until 9:15 so we were still good.

EXCEPT N is not getting to play in the tournament. Unbeknownst to N, W or me N was moved from the club's red team to the blue team. Now being moved to the other team is a little annoying, but nothing that we can't live with. What is absolutely unequivably not acceptable is that we learned nothing of this until we showed up at the tournament. The coach didn't even apologize or anything. I just don't get it. N is devastated and W and I are both pissed off. Now we have no games this weekend but have to attend a different tournament next weekend even farther from home.

Club rules state that problems are to be addressed no sooner than 24 hours after the problem occurs to allow all parties to calm down. That's probably a darned good rule because I guarantee you that emotions are running high right now. I don't believe I could have a good rational discussion of this right now.

Sometimes life just ain't fair, and today is one of those days. Oh, and the cherry on top of the sundae is that my period arrived with a vengence this morning, not that it was unexpected just annoying.

Of Former Bloggers

As many of you know, there is a blogger, well former blogger, out there that took down his blog a little while back due to some less than stellar personal circumstances. I have no authority to post anything at all about this blogger on my blog or anywhere public on the 'net. However, I do have permission to share certain updates via private email to those I trust as his friends. If you would like to be included on the occasional update list, please email me at the email address in my profile.

Yes, I'm being vague. I have to be not to violate someone's trust in me. Also, I'm turning comments off for this post because I don't want any comments of "Oh, are you speaking of ___________?" or "Oh yes, I miss ____________ so much." Just email me. Thanks.

Soccer Mom

Soccer is my life. Well, no, to be accurate, soccer is N's life. He is really good for his age (and no, not just because he's my son, all his coaches have said so too). N will be playing with his team at a tournament out of town this weekend. As the good soccer mom I am I'll be there too, cheering him on, hoping his team wins.

I am taking the laptop, and the hotel does have wifi. However, I make no guarantees that I'll make into blogland this weekend. If not, it is a well deserved break for all.

Apologies

Thank you Val, and thank you Stinkypaw, for bringing me up short on the suicide thing. Your comments were very instrumental in helping me see what I was doing from the other person's perspective. Since you two pricked my conscience on this issue, I have felt very bad that perhaps I had made BJ feel the way that the two of you had expressed to me. That was never ever my intention at all and just didn't see it from that perspective until you showed it to me. I had always thought of it as more of an academic discussion, more of a theoretical "this would be the only way out of this situation" where I MEANT that to say that short of suicide I'm just going to have to find a way to deal with the situation, and now I know that the way it was heard was that I might consider that a viable option for dealing with the situation. Nothing could be further from the truth. I do not, for me, consider suicide as a viable option ever to get out of anything. I'm rambling on here, but I hope I'm making at least some sense here.

Last night I apologized to BJ for all the times I'd ever included suicide in a discussion about my problems. I explained to him what I explained in the paragraph above. He accepted my apology.

And now I extend an apology to Val and Stinkypaw, and to any other readers that may have taken statements that I have made here as threats or consideration of suicide. I am very sorry. It was not ever my intention for anyone to think that I might commit suicide. I wouldn't and I won't, and I will try to remember to keep suicide out of conversations about problems and how to deal with them, but if I do let it slip in (I'm not perfect after all) please call me on it, remind me the pain that my statements can cause. I am very sorry.

Do I Listen to Me or Me?

Is it good or bad that BJ and I continue to chat on a daily basis?

Rational Trueself (who I must say is just becoming a bit of a pain in the ass) is thinking that it is not a good thing, that it is not doing anything positive except getting my hopes up that something (what?) will change and allowing me to stay in denial.

Dreaming Trueself is thinking that it is a very good thing, keeping the lines of communication open, that perhaps something will change that will allow us to continue a relationship. Maybe, just maybe, he'll see that he wants to be with me so badly that he wants to do what it takes to make it work.

Dreaming Trueself is starting, though, to come around to Rational Trueself's way of thinking. Even she can see that further chats could very well prove frustrating enough to bring her out of denial and into that next fun stage of anger.

And I'm sleep deprived, partially because I chat late into the night with BJ, partially because I don't sleep well when I am in bed.

Messing up His Good Thing

So W spent yesterday so completely and totally not helping his case with me.

The decision to stay or go with W is separate from the decision that BJ isn't the right one. Here I am thinking about things, not thinking too hard because I want to make the decision with the same well thought out rational thinking that led to my last decision (the one about which I am still in denial, thankyouverymuch) so just kind of mulling options.

My first thoughts were that without BJ waiting for me there was no reason not to just stay with W, care for him for the remainder of his life and see if I couldn't have a bit of a life for myself later. I hadn't really decided that for sure, but it was kind of my Plan A, the one I saw as most reasonable and realistic.

Then yesterday happened. He just spent his entire day pissing me off with one thing after another. Some of it was little stuff, things that probably wouldn't annoy me on a good day, but combining them throughout the day with a couple of big things just sent me over the edge. By late afternoon I was looking up local divorce attorneys (since I can't use the one I had before because I'm in a different state now). My biggest complaint? Although HE is the parent he allows N to bully him. It drives me absolutely freaking nuts!! It isn't doing N any good either.

I was set. I was ready. I was going to just kick his ass out the door. However, because I try to minimize the amount of marital crap that N witnesses I was going to do it either during our phone call with our counselor or right after N went to bed which would be very soon after the end of the call. I started to bring it up during the call and the counselor talked me down. . . I wussed out AGAIN!!!! OMG!!!! I agreed to give him one more chance. How the fuck many chances am I going to give this man?

In other somewhat related news, I've been chatting with BJ daily since we broke up. I'm thinking that's helping me continue to live in denial, although I'll be the first to admit I'm hurt by the stilted tone of our conversations which may bring me to the anger stage sooner rather than later. I know, I know, WTF is wrong with me?!? Sorry Trueself fans, if you thought I had come around to dealing with this situation all logical and rational and shit then you just don't know me very well. (I wrote that sentence with poor grammar on purpose, kind of as a form of emphasis and then was afraid people might not "get" what I was doing so then I decided I either had to correct the grammar or explain it here which is really lame because everyone knows if you have to explain it the desired effect has not been achieved so maybe you didn't get that I deliberately turned this into a run on sentence so if you aren't getting it then you really don't understand my weird sense of humor and maybe you ought to just consider moving on by clicking on Next Blog up there in the navigation bar, 'k? Thanks.)

BTW, can you tell I'm writing this disjointed missive in the middle of the night because (a) I can't sleep and (b) the Big Brother final HOH competition round one may never end and I really really wanted to see who wins before I go to bed? Oh well, guess I'll have to give it up and go to bed anyway. Here's hoping Evil Dick can hang on to beat Zach. Go Donatos!

Floating Down an Egyptian River

Yes, I am in the denial stage right now, floating happily along. I’ve convinced myself that given time, given a chance to think things through, that BJ and I will both come to our senses, realize we cannot live without one another, and we’ll both make adjustments to accommodate the other person’s expectations, living happily ever after.

As I write this it is as though there are two parts to me, Rational Trueself and Dreaming Trueself, having the following internal dialogue.

Rational Trueself (RTS): Yes, this is just the denial phase. I’ll get through it and move on through the rest of the grief process.
Dreaming Trueself (DTS): But it could happen. It really could. I’m not deluding myself.
RTS: Yes, you are, and if you’ll just wait it out you’ll see that I’m right. I will proceed through the stages of grief and eventually come out the other side.
DTS: No! I know he loves me. I know he wants us to be together. It’s just those silly practicalities keeping us apart.
RTS: Aha! See you admit it. It is completely impractical to think that he and I can be together.
DTS: No, no, you don’t understand. I will leave W someday, I will. Really. BJ will find a job close by, he will. Really. And then we could come back together in the future and live out our lives together in blissful harmony. It could happen. Really it could.
RTS: Sure. I’m thinking no, but there’s no convincing you of that right now. Keep on paddling down the river of denial. I give up. I’ll be waiting for you when the canoe tips over. Then we can discuss your anger. . .


Oh worry not, the maniacal ranting is not over. I've barely even started. . . Oh but I warned you, I did, that I'd write like a fiend as I try to sort this out. It's my way of processing.

New Me

Okay, okay, after many requests I have updated the picture in my profile. Apparently the old one didn't do me justice. So anyway, here I am with my new picture in place. I'm feeling just a little nervous about how much it shows of my face, but what the hell.

The more I look at this picture, the more I recognize my mother's features in my face. Interesting. . . people have always said how much I look like my dad, and I do. But. . . my mom's definitely in that face too.

Hehehe, avoid the pain of the current situation by dwelling on small stuff. Always a worthy strategy, don't you think? Distraction.

I'm having lunch today with a friend upon whose shoulder I will cry so much she'll have to change shirts afterwards. Fortunately, she volunteered for duty and knows what she's getting into. She's one of a handful of people in real life with whom I've started to share my turmoils. Like my friend Freebird I'm starting to make a new circle of friends for this new life. Cool. . .

I can see that at some point in the future there is the possibility that Trueself will no longer blog anonymously, that someday I will be free to be me, that I will share with the world who I am and let the chips fall where they may. I dream of a world where I can be who I am and not care that some will despise me for it because I'll know that there will be some who will not. There will be some in my corner cheering me on for my bravery and honesty. Oops, there I go dreaming again. . .

Enough with Rational Shit

We now interrupt our rational reasonable well thought out writings with a bit of a meltdown, a bit of a rant.

You know what? It really doesn't matter how goddamned motherfucking reasonable it may be to let BJ go, it hurts like hell. It hurts. It feels awful. It is absofuckinglutely unbearable.

Ok, rant over, we now return to our regularly scheduled programming.

Addictive Personalities

I believe that I am an addictive personality. It is easy for me to get sucked into addictions, and I’ve spent my adult life finding ways of controlling these addictive tendencies. One way that I have kept things under control is to make rules for myself. As long as I stay within my rules I feel that I do not have a problem.

One example of this is drinking. I know that I could quite easily become an alcoholic, and at one point in my life, probably was close to being an alcoholic. When I caught on to that, I established rules for drinking:
1. No drinking alone. If nobody else is around, don’t even think about it. I break this rule every so often, maybe 3 or 4 times a year, but I know I’m breaking it and get back into it soon after. Also, when I break this rule I follow rule #2 as if it would kill me not to which I fear just a little that it might.
2. No drinking to the point of hangover the next day or losing control while drinking. For me, given how little I drink means that I can handle two drinks, maybe three, over an evening. As soon as I start to feel like I’m losing control I stop unless someone is with me that I know 100% guaranteed will protect me from myself, meaning someone who doesn’t enjoy seeing me get that drunk and will be the voice of reason to get me out of there, take drinks away from me, whatever it takes.
3. No hanging out with drinkers except on an occasional basis. If everybody else is going there it is much harder for me to stay in control.

For the past 20+ years this strategy has worked for me, and kept me in line. As long as it’s working why change it? Good plan. And one of the red flags that popped up for me with BJ is that he drinks, not excessively but drinks, on a fairly regular basis. I’m afraid the temptation would be too great for me. It would be too easy to excuse myself with him and fall into a pattern of drinking more than I should more often than I should.

Another case in point is gambling. I love to gamble. I absolutely adore gambling, but I am rational enough to know that gambling for someone like me is an absolute loser’s game. The casinos have the odds stacked in their favor. It’s the only way they can stay in business. So again I have set up a series of rules for myself about gambling.
1. No gambling anywhere except Nevada, Puerto Rice, cruise ships, and foreign countries. This rule allows me to have a little fun on occasion but since I don’t frequent any of these locations with any regularity it prevents gambling from becoming a habit.
2. Enter the casino with a set amount of money, no credit or debit cards, and once that money is spent it’s time to go back to the hotel room. This ensures I don’t lose a lot, don’t talk myself into spending just a bit more, and don’t play big money games so I can maximize the time I get to spend at the casino.

For the past 15 or so years this strategy has worked for me, and kept me in line. As long as it’s working why change it? Good plan. And one of the red flags that popped up for me with BJ is that since he separated he heads out to a casino not far from him just about every weekend. I’m afraid the temptation would be too great for me. He would want to go out to casinos, and I would either give into temptation and go and risk giving in to a gambling addiction or I would refuse to go and he would go alone leaving me at home pissed off that he would go without me.

There are other potential addictions that I avoid, but these are the ones that I felt could be impacted by a real life long term relationship with BJ. BJ doesn’t have a problem with drinking or gambling. There is no reason he should have to restrict his behavior just to help me with my weaknesses. W, on the other hand, is only an occasional drinker so it’s easy not to drink with him around. He likes to gamble too but he shares my concerns about the lure of it being too attractive so he’s happy to follow my rules (except that he fudges on the second rule sometimes, but not so much for it to be a huge problem). So in this sense, in moderating my addictive personality W is a better match for me than BJ. Perhaps in this case the age difference and the parent/child dynamic actually works in my favor although yes I understand that it would be better if I could just get a grip and take care of myself without relying on others for help.

Match Point

If anything I said here ever indicated that I asked BJ to change in order for us to continue let me just say that I did not. All I ever did was discuss with him things that I didn't know for sure from a long distance to make sure I was clear on things. Everyone has their own deal breakers. I have mine, and he has his. We aren't on the same page about certain things. It doesn't mean either of us is right or wrong. It just means we're different. . . and not a good match. And that's okay, but it's painful because we gave our hearts so freely to one another and in many ways we were a good fit. It isn't easy to give up what we had, but we would be fooling ourselves if we tried to continue. It certainly isn't fair of me to ask him to wait for me to find my way out of this marriage.

What's hardest for me to admit here is that even without the marriage in our way, even without N being my highest priority, we just aren't the right people for each other. I don't like how I feel when he does certain things, and I know I would eventually become a nag about them. He doesn't like when I talk about suicide. I talk about it but would never do it. It's just that I do believe that death is the only way out of certain situations. However, only God gets to decide when it's my time to go so I'm not going to off myself no matter what I may ever say, but it bothers him that I talk about it as even a possibility. Eventually, that would probably cause more friction. No relationship is friction free, but I do believe that there are certain deal breakers that each person has. Everyone's deal breakers are different, but they are legitimite for them for they know themselves better than anyone and know what they cannot tolerate.

Do I think BJ is awful? No, far from it. I think he is a wonderful caring man that will make a wonderful husband for the right wife. I just don't happen to be that woman as much as I wish it were so.

Okay, told you I'd be blathering a lot here as I try to work through all of this.

Wrong

What's wrong? I wouldn't be surprised if someone asked me. However, nobody asks. Everybody is apparently lost in their own world unaware that I feel an emotional pain so sharp I physically hurt. Am I hiding it that well? Maybe so, I've learned to be an incredible actress as I went about having my midlife crisis.

If someone did ask me what would I say? "Nothing." My standard answer when I can't speak the truth.

The tears are coming back so I better go find someplace to hide and have another little cry.

Back later. . .

Reality Sucks

Okay, I have been thinking about this, seriously, very very seriously, for about two weeks. Red flags were definitely there, and had been for a while. I had done my best to ignore them, to bury them, to convince myself that love would conquer. Then it occurred to me. Haven't I done this before? Haven't I thought that love would get me through only to find out that love in and of itself just isn't enough? Why yes, yes I have. As a matter of fact, that's how some 20 years ago I ended up married to a man almost 30 years my elder, the man I can't seem to bring myself to abandon in his twilight years.

Hmm, well surely this time will be different. No, not really. If I flash forward 3-5 years, both of us divorced, both of us finally in the same location (oh and there's no guarantee that will ever happen), and us married to one another here's the vision I have: married to a man who drinks beer in an amount that may be quite acceptable in society but is excessive in my prudish frame of mind, who wants to go out and have fun while my idea of a great night is snuggling together at home ignoring the outside world, who doesn't spend time with N trying to do stepdad stepson things. Would this be better than what I have now, worse, an even trade? Not sure. No guarantees in this life.

Is there any man out there that would be a really good match for me? Oh probably. Somewhere there is probably a man in my age range who thinks having one or two drinks a month is good, who likes to hang out at home with his sweetie, who wants to help raise a son not his own, who accepts me for who I am. Will I meet him? I don't know. Maybe I will, maybe I won't.

So what to do? I don't know. Then again, I think that right now isn't the right time to make that decision. The emotions are too raw, the pain too fresh. I need to chill out for a bit, take a few deep breaths, not think too hard for a while. I may blog a lot though because this is the only place I have where I can dump all the shit out of my head. I have lots of contradictory thoughts running through my head, and maybe things will become more clear if I write it out.

Oh well, one good thing happened today. The Illini beat the Western Illinois Leathernecks 21-0, and we were there to see it even though it meant sitting in the rain. N being his usual gregarious self made about half a dozen new friends in the seats around us. And we saw Trent Meacham on the way out of the stadium. Not only did we see him but N high fived him and talked to him for a minute. They're buddies ever since Illini summer basketball camp.

Over

Remember when a whole year or more of the TV show Dallas was just a big dream and Patrick Duffy stepped out of the shower? Yeah, well, my life has taken a similarly weird and interesting turn. This past year? Never happened. Nobody fell in love. Nobody ever expected to live happily ever after. Nobody ever considered leaving her husband.

Nope, it’s a new day. I woke up this week, and the only one getting out of my shower is W.

Saddest thing is that I have to mourn this all by myself. I have nobody’s shoulder upon which to cry, and I can’t cry in front of anyone in real life. No, the saddest thing is that he didn’t sound nearly as upset about it as I am. Guess I never really meant that much to him anyway which I was starting to suspect anyway which is really what led to the end. No rebuttals to any of my reasons why we shouldn’t continue. No counters to anything I said. Damn it. I was so hoping I was wrong, but I wasn’t.

After grieving for a bit I’ll see if I can figure out where to go from here.

Troubled

Thoughts are creeping into my head that I don’t like. I am troubled. I’ll write more on this later as it all comes into better focus for me.

You know, if I could absorb whatever pain my actions caused, instead of it radiating outward into others, life would be so very much easier.

HNT of a Sort I Suppose

This would be me well into the second glass of wine on Saturday night. Even N said that I don't look good in this picture.

This is me at the cookout the next day without any alcohol consumed.

Interesting contrast.

Also, these show off so much of my face I'm not sure how long these pics will stay up. They may come down this weekend.

Justification

Main Entry:
jus•ti•fi•ca•tion
Function:
noun
Date:
14th century
1: the act, process, or state of being justified by God
2 a: the act or an instance of justifying : VINDICATION b: something that justifies
3: the process or result of justifying lines of text

Main Entry:
jus•ti•fy
Function:
verb
Inflected Form(s):
jus•ti•fied; jus•ti•fy•ing
Etymology:
Middle English justifien, from Anglo-French or Late Latin; Anglo-French justifier, from Late Latin justificare, from Latin justus
Date:
14th century
transitive verb
1 a: to prove or show to be just, right, or reasonable b (1): to show to have had a sufficient legal reason (2): to qualify (oneself) as a surety by taking oath to the ownership of sufficient property
2 a archaic : to administer justice to b archaic : ABSOLVE c: to judge, regard, or treat as righteous and worthy of salvation
3 a: to space (as lines of text) so that the lines come out even at the margin b: to make even by justifying
intransitive verb
1 a: to show a sufficient lawful reason for an act done b: to qualify as bail or surety
2: to justify lines of text

Main Entry:
self–jus•ti•fi•ca•tion
Function:
noun
Date:
circa 1775
: the act or an instance of making excuses for oneself

=============================

It’s funny how writing can go from the intention of heading down one path to actually heading in a completely different direction. That is what has happened to me already even though I’ve barely started this, but I started by looking up the textbook definition of “justification” which led me to looking up the definition of “self-justification.”

Now I believe that part of my problem in life is the difficulty I have in sorting out true justification for my actions as opposed to self-justification of my actions. I think I always suspect myself of the latter no matter the circumstances. I think of myself as a despicable deceitful human being and tend to think the worst of myself. Therefore, any justification I make for anything I do must be self-justification, or an instance of making excuses for oneself, simply as a matter of course. At least in my mind that is how things are. Now with that backdrop in place is it any wonder that I don’t trust myself to make sound decisions? Is it any wonder that I feel great guilt and the need for someone else’s approval of my actions in order to feel that what I do is okay? The one person that I can’t convince of my “okayness” is me. Maybe I know me too well. Or maybe, perhaps, I’m too hard on myself.

I started to write this post as my rationale behind the justification of my behaviors the last couple of years and of my contemplated action of ending the marriage. Then it occurred to me as I read the definitions above that no matter what I say, no matter what justification I try to put here, I will always know that it is merely self-justification without merit. No matter how persuasive the argument may be, it will not be enough. The reason it will not be enough is because I know me too well. I know what a deceitful hateful rotten bitch I can be. I know all about my lies and manipulations and half-truths and sneakiness and just all-around untrustworthiness. I know my deepest darkest thoughts. How can I know all that and NOT feel that any attempt at justification, that is at proving my actions to be just, right and reasonable, would simply be self-justification, or making excuses for myself?

Yep, this post took an entirely different turn then I expected when I started.

Admitting a Problem

Okay, maybe it's not a drinking problem. Maybe it is more of a personality problem. On Saturday night, I went to a party. It was a small party, just a few women. We were all drinking, some of us more heavily than others. For me, I drank a whole lot -- two and a half glasses of wine and a small taste of champagne punch. Now I know that's not an excessive amount in the course of a six hour party, and way less than most. The point of all this? I felt out of place (as usual). Everyone else relaxes, has fun, enjoys themselves. About the time I think I'm having a great time, something happens to make me realize that I am a fish out of water.

We were playing a game, I don't remember the name of it, where one person reads a question from a card, the others write their responses. One person reads all the responses and the person who read the question guesses who gave each answer. While everybody else was coming up with funny, sexy, even obscene answers to questions I gave answers like "Math" to "If you could teach anything at all, what would it be?" and "Groceries" to "Once you retire what will you use your retirement savings to buy?"

I, Trueself, am a true dork. Anybody know when and where the closest Dorks Anonymous meeting is held?

Okay, well maybe I'm not a total dork. I did kiss two women at the party and retrieved a playing card from the bra of one of them. A total dork wouldn't have done that I suppose.

Oh Yeah Baby

Your Score: Intellectual Inferno

You have an intellectual sexiness factor of 82!

Who am I to give you advice? You already know everything you need to know, and if there's something you don't know, you're eager to check it out. You are among the few special minds in the world that are truly free, totally creative, and absolutely sexy. The downside is, it's hard to find partners who can keep up with your quick, vigorously sexy mind. You often find yourself bored with anything less than exciting sex, and only those who equal your intellect, your openess, and your creativity can provide that excitment. You're an avid reader, a deep thinking, and a sexually liberated person. You enjoy learning for its own sake just as much as you enjoy sex for pleasure's own sake. Your partner, if he or she is able to keep up with you, is extremely lucky to have you.

Link: The Intellectual Sexiness Test written by dr_eros on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

How People Find Me

Here are some recent searches that have led people to my little corner of the blogosphere. Hmm, there must be some awfully disappointed people out there. Interestingly enough, I seem to pop up a lot when passive aggressive is included in the search. Also, for mint chocolate chip ice cream. Go figure.

"food diabetics should avoid"
Admittedly, I am very sweet but diabetics need not avoid me. I promise.

"counseling for passive aggressiveness"
While I probably could use this I highly doubt anyone would find it here in my blog.

"deepest darkest corner of the world"
Do you think the person with this search was satisfied with what they found here? Me either.

"its over between us don't hurt meanymore poems"
Umm, don't think so. Not here. Sorry.

"neat and tidy blowjob"
Gee, I don't know. I've never had anyone describe one of mine that way. BJ? Care to weigh in here?

"darkest thoughts"
"the darkest thought"
Finally! A couple of people looking for what I got here.

"'tried' sybian site:blogspot.com -jenna -carmen -howard"
Umm, no. And I can't help wondering why they put tried in quotations.

"midwest 'passive aggressive'"
Guilty as charged

"adultery and passive aggressive"
Oops, guilty again

"clean out ferrel"
What exactly was this person looking for? Did they find it here? Doubt it.

"mint chocolate chip ice cream horoscope"
They wanted a horoscope for their ice cream? Whatever. . .

"meaning of trueself"
Gosh, if they found that somewhere I wish they'd let me know.

"darkest house blogspot"
As in what? A house without lights? I don't get it. Also, I don't think I had whatever it was they were looking for.

"a nice thought about friendship"
Nice thoughts? Here? LOL Yeah right.

"passive aggressive husband"
Now THAT I got!

"flirting with istjs"
Flirting? We got no flirting here! Right Al?

"passive aggressive fostering chaos"
Well, I do what I can.

"deepest darkest fantasies"
Okay, this one is pretty much right on target although I'll admit there may be a deep dark fantasy or two that I haven't revealed here. And no I don't intend to.

"why do passive aggressive men distance in relationships"
I don't know, and don't think you'll find the answers here.

"deep thought metaphors"
Actually, my metaphors are generally pretty shallow.

"hot wet middle aged woman"
Okay, I really like that I would come up on this search. I'm grinning ear to ear.

"description of my horoscope"
Nope, sorry, I'm pretty sure the person looking for this came up empty here.

"andy's mint chocolate chip ice cream"
Well, I had some but didn't bring any for Andy. Sorry Andy.

"cough and pee "
Glad to know that one quick mention of this during my recent cold could put me into the search results here.

"darkest person in the world"
Skintone, not a chance. Attitude, could be.

Stole Another Cool Meme

One word. No explanations.
1. Yourself: Uncertain
2. Your spouse: Annoying
3. Your hair: Frustrating
4. Your mother: Aging
5. Your father: Stoic
6. Your favorite item: Music
7. Your dream last night: School
8. Your favorite drink: Snapple
9. Your dream car: Mercedes
10. The room you are in: Family
11. Your ex: Soon
12. Your fear: Self-sufficiency
13. What you want to be in 10 years: Happy
14. Who you hung out with last night: N
15. What you're not: Helpless
16. Muffins: Yummy!
17. One of your wish list items: BJ
18. Time: Flies
19. The last thing you did: Eat
20. What you are wearing: Polo
21. Your favorite weather: Hot
22. Your favorite book: Potter
23. The last thing you ate: Sandwich
24. Your life: Wacky
25. Your mood: Anxious
26. Your best friend: Nonexistent
27. What you're thinking about right now: Tonight
28. Your car: Aztec
29. What you are doing at the moment: Sitting
30. Your summer: Overwhelming
31. Your relationship status: Complicated
32. What is on your TV: Movie
33. What is the weather like: Cooler
34. When was the last time you laughed: Yesterday