First, just wanted to say thank you to the many, many of you who have contacted me the last few days. I really appreciate the support. I have the best readers in the entire blogworld.
Because grief is not an easy thing to experience, one shouldn’t get too excited if one has one good day. One should be prepared for the next day which might not be so good. Yes, the roller coaster has headed back downward once again. Today is not an easy day. The good news is that I know there are good days to be had and just as yesterday’s high was fleeting so will today’s low be. More good news is that today’s low is far shallower than last week’s lows so apparently I’ve gotten off the Screamin’ Eagle and am now riding the kiddie coaster.
Of course, part of today’s low is the apprehension with which I approach this evening, the evening of reckoning when I get the advice of our counselor on how/where/when to confront W with the split. I really respect this counselor. I believe she has done her very best for us throughout the process, particularly given that I haven’t been 100% honest in the statements I’ve made at counseling. I truly believe she will continue to work well with us as we work to unravel this intricately woven tapestry of our 20 year marriage.
The other part of today’s low is that I am missing BJ today too. There are lots of things I miss – our daily phone calls and emails, our nearly daily IM chats, our plans and dreams for the future, our planned weeklong retreat in California this spring (I am now glad I didn’t book airline tickets as I almost did a couple of weeks ago). I miss knowing that someone out there cared for me, loved me, wanted me. It is sad to me that if he found our relationship lacking that he didn’t simply break it off with me but waited until he found someone to move on with. It hurts to know that he continued to tell me he loved me even when that ceased to be. More than anything I wish there had been honesty. I tried my best to be honest with him in all things. I shared every feeling, and yet I always knew there are parts of him that he held back. Hopefully, he learned some things from our relationship and will do better in the next relationship. I’m quite sure that I will use the lessons I have learned.
I have long lived by the following saying:
If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you it is yours. If it doesn’t it never was.
BJ never was mine. As painful as it is to acknowledge that, acknowledge it I must.
And now, a little musical interlude from someone else who knows about low places:
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3 comments:
One of my favorite GB songs. If I could sing (which I SO can't) I would sing this at karaoke.
It does sound like this low is shallower than previous lows and for that I am glad.
You said: "It hurts to know that he continued to tell me he loved me even when that ceased to be"
Don't look at it that way. The love didn't end - it just evolved into a different kind of love. It's obvious even now that he cares greatly for you and a part of him will always love you as a friend loves another friend. That comes through in what he has written lately.
Dear TS,
>Because grief is not an easy thing to experience, one shouldn’t get too excited if one has one good day.
Oh yes, I know that so well.
Second point:
>the apprehension with which I approach this evening, the evening of reckoning when I get the advice of our counselor...
By all means listen to the advice of your counsellor, but remember to look within yourself and find what your own 'true self' wants. It's YOUR life, not the counsellor's or anyone else's.
> BJ never was mine.
I think he probably thought he was yours as much as you did... for a while. I think we all have dreams. We believe in them, we want them to come true, we don't mean anyone any harm by them, but eventually we wake up.
>I’m quite sure that I will use the lessons I have learned.
And I hope we all will, TS.
(X)
Bunny - Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, and I'm sure I will look at it that way after a time, but for now I'm still in the irrational emotional stage so I'm still looking at it as a huge loss rather than an evolution.
FB - All very good points.
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