Choosing Between S & L

Who knew I would ever get to a place where two men that I find attractive would be wanting to have an affair with me so that I would have to choose between them? Yikes. How to choose? They each want just one woman like I want just one man, in the interest of lowering STD risk; they are each married and wanting a discreet physical only relationship; they are both charming in different ways, S being more smooth and L being very sweet

So here's where the differences lie on both the good and bad sides:
S Pros -- tall, gorgeous, outgoing, black (so sue me, I like the whole interracial thing), very good kisser
S Cons -- his schedule and mine are difficult to sync up, he can be a little too smooth at times, always vague about where and when to meet

L Pros -- feels "safer" to me somehow but can't quite pinpoint why, his schedule is flexible and can work around mine, has no problem finding and paying for hotel room
L Cons -- short (what can I say? I like 'em tall), possibly a little too laid back, have had no physical contact other than a handshake so don't know whether we will have that "spark" or not

Now S and I were supposed to meet after work yesterday, but he got caught at work and couldn't make it. We were possibly (not for sure, but possibly) going to take that big step yesterday. We decided to postpone until Friday. Of course, I'm not sure that he'll be able to make Friday, or if he'll call again to cancel at the last minute. Hmmmmm. . . frustration and uncertainty I've got plenty of already. Do I need more?

Add to this that I know my period is coming soon so that could delay everything by a week. Not that I have a problem with sex during my period, but I don't really want to have first time nervous sex during my period thankyouverymuch.

So here's my thinking (and yes I know I am just being hugely pragmatic here, using my little overactive accountant's brain to overanalyze and quantify everything and make it as unemotional as possible):

1. If my period holds off AND S can actually get together on Friday then we meet, and I decide if I'm going for it that day which I think I probably would, but I'm not sure.
2. If my period arrives today or tomorrow AND S can get together on Friday then we meet just to talk and become better acquainted, and I will schedule another lunch with L for next week to become better acquainted, making a choice between the two next week.
3. If S cannot get together on Friday, irregardless of my period, then I have lunch with L next week to make sure I'm really comfortable with him and move forward with L.

The longer I wait the more I'm suffering from cold feet, and then come the really big questions. Am I really going to be able to do this when the time comes? Can I really go get naked with a stranger and have sex with him? Really? Or am I playing some big mind game with myself? Am I going to back out at the last minute? I don't know. I just don't know. I guess only time will tell.

Strange Dream, Strange Reality

Last night I dreamed about S.
He and I were in a motel room together for the first time. We undressed each other and started to fool around. At some point, I realized N was there. W must have sent him to keep tabs on me. We quickly got up and dressed hoping N hadn’t realized what was going on. We went out and got into someone’s SUV. I was insisting N had to wear his seatbelt, and this ugly toothless guy in the front passenger seat kept making fun of me for it telling me it was unnecessary, that we weren’t going that far. I flew into a rage and yelled at him and told him about a recent crash where investigators said that the only reason the two people in the car survived was because of their seatbelts (I actually did hear this on the radio the other day). The toothless guy and I physically fought over the seatbelt, me trying to buckle N in and him trying to prevent it.
Then I woke up. Strange. Very strange.

I went back to sleep, and woke again about 15 minutes before the alarm was to go off. I snuggled against W and reached around and started to rub him. He moaned and rolled towards me. He was definitely getting harder than he has in a while so I kept working on him. Next thing I knew we were having real intercourse, thrusting and all, for the first time in an awfully long time. It didn’t last long, a minute or two perhaps, and no orgasms were achieved by anyone, and then we just kind of laid there. It felt awkward. Don’t know if it felt awkward to W or just to me. Unlike the last time we did something like this (see this post), there was no feeling of emotional closeness. Unlike the last time, as soon as he started to wilt he rolled off, and we were finished. No more snuggling, no more kissing, no more anything, but just lying there side by side. Strange.
So I got up and showered, starting my day just like always.

Epilogue to Relationship with J

Got an email from J this afternoon asking me to reconsider both my request that he not contact me anymore and not getting together tomorrow night.

Frustrated, I called him. I told him that I have now asked him twice via email to stop contacting me, and now I'm telling him straight out that we are over. I'm tired of being hurt. I'm tired of loving someone who doesn't love me back. He claimed that he does love me. Okay, but not enough to go ahead and sign the divorce papers that T served him with, not enough to quit begging T to take him back. I told him the only way I ever want to hear from him again is if he has decided he loves me enough that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

After much arguing, he finally agreed to end all contact. God, I hope this is all over now.

Thinning the Herd

Just a quick update on the state of things.

H - emailed me yesterday, and as expected, has decided his guilt is too great to have an affair so he is now 100% gone.
J - emailed me yesterday, still wants to get together Wednesday, but wants it very clear there are no long term commitments. I emailed him back asking him not to contact me again as there is no future for us so he is now 100% gone.
S - emails traded back and forth all day, very hot teasing emails. We'll be getting together on Wednesday to get to know each other better and so I can hopefully decide whether to move forward or not. This is now my most likely affair candidate.
L - had lunch together yesterday, nice guy, very sweet, cute in his own way, very laid back, quite a contrast to S. If S weren't in the picture, I would probably jump right in with L. L is making the decision to go forward with S just slightly more difficult. They are so different, each charming in his own way, each with good and bad points regarding choosing them. I hope to make a choice by the end of the week.
W - still clueless, in spite of me reading him my horoscope yesterday indicating I was in for some good romance he showed no interest in providing any, and seemed disappointed when I was disappointed. Okay, back to focusing my sexual energies elsewhere. Why, oh why do I keep banging my head against the wall?

There is one other sort of pseudo relationship out there, but it isn't something I'm prepared to talk about. Probably because I don't really understand it yet, or if it really exists, or if it does exist what it is, or if I will even want to discuss it here if it is something or does become something. Well now, hows that for vague and noncommittal?

Way too hectic

Life has been hectic and chaotic in the last few weeks since I put the CL ad out there. First, I received almost 50 responses. Almost half I could reject out of hand for the following reasons: included a nude pic with response, not within my requested age range, one line response that told me nothing. From there, I weeded them down to my top ten, and attempted to meet those ten. In fact, I only met 4 in person. Of the other six, two stopped emailing responses without explanation, one lives in another city and only visits here every few weeks so we've only emailed back and forth, one cancelled our date the day before we were to meet and never attempted to reschedule, and two I lost interest in as our emailing progressed.

As I was finding frustration with my CL guys, I was introduced to www.plentyoffish.com by, of all people, W. He is using it to try to find a woman to join us for a threesome. So far he has been completely unsuccessful. Unbeknownst to him, I put my own profile out there, dummying up just enough info to keep W from catching on to me if he runs across my profile without making it so fake that it doesn't really describe me. I mean, what's an inch difference in height or one year's difference in age? And after all, if I give an adjoining zip code rather than my own how much difference does that really make?

Now, if you just want the bottom line without all the gory detail skip on down to the summary section. What follows is long, and well, I just can't promise that it is all that interesting.

So I've had interest from about a dozen guys on POF, including G whom I'd met a while back when I answered his CL ad. He recognized my profile enough to ask if I had had lunch with him at a certain restaurant a while back. I never replied back. He was somewhat creepy when I met him so I wasn't too keen on getting drawn back in to a conversation. I replied back to four of the guys that expressed interest. Two of them were interested enough to schedule lunch dates for last week. Both cancelled within 24 hours of our scheduled dates, the first due to a work emergency resulting in him being called in to work the evening before until the wee hours of the morning to solve an IT crisis. Since then, he has said he would like to reschedule but has made no effort to actually do so. The other guy cancelled because he had to fly out to another city on short notice. He stayed in email contact the entire time, and he was anxious to reschedule our lunch date so tomorrow I'll meet him for lunch. He owns his own business, and is the only one so far not concerned about the cost of hotel rooms and such, and has said that if there were any way for me to get away he'd take me on business trips, such as last week's, with him. Hmmm. . . well, I've got to go to lunch and at least check this guy out.

Last Friday, I had a lunch date with S, one of the four CL guys I've met. He is tall and handsome. From his voice on the phone and the picture he sent I had assumed he was European with olive skin. In fact, he is a light-skinned black originally from Trinidad as I learned when we got together. Instead of eating at the restaurant where we met, we went to a park down the street and took a walk. We chatted about lots of things. We kissed, and maybe went just a bit further at a fairly private picnic table in the park. He is ready to move on to more with me. I'm thinking it over.

Also, H has asked until tomorrow to give me his final decision as to whether he can go forward or not. I didn't tell him yes or no about giving him that time. I did email him my pitch today as to why we ought to go ahead and go for it together, but I'm fully expecting him to stick with his "too guilty" decision and am really not thinking this one will go anywhere. Although if he does surprise me and decide to go for it, I would definitely go forward with him, putting all others on hold until I'm convinced he's really able to go through with it.

And what about J? Well, he and I were trying to figure out a way to get together this coming week. However, I sensed that he was so much less enthusiastic about it than I was so today I emailed him and told him that I don't think we should get together this week. I'm tired of loving him so much more than he loves me. I'm trying to fall out of love with him, and getting together with him is clearly not going to further that cause. And now that I have at least the prospect of sex somewhere else, I am no longer willing to accept J in less than a situation where he loves me the way I love him.

Throughout all of this, it has been very difficult to keep straight who is who, and I frequently go back to earlier emails from a particular man to remind me which one he is. I am glad that I feel this phase of the process is winding down.

So there we are, where I stand with all my men. The summary for those of you with short attention spans and who skipped down to see the bottom line:
W - clueless but happy that things are so much better at home
S - hot, sexy, very well could be my new affair
H - still not able to 100% let go, but almost certainly a no go
L - meeting for lunch tomorrow, will have some work to do to beat S
J - still trying to get over him, and think I might finally just be on my way

Eye of the Storm

W thinks things are a lot better between us. On a certain level, he is correct. I've checked out. Oh, I still live here, still sleep in our bed, still get up and go to work every day, still come home and have dinner, still play with N and put him to bed, still go through the motions. I've checked out emotionally from my marriage. W and I cruise through life on parallel paths. He does his thing, I do mine. We make no emotional and very few physical connections between us. W thinks that because I no longer complain about the lack of sex, or anything else for that matter, that things are getting much better between the two of us. And, I suppose, he's right. I'm no longer worried about whether we will ever test the little blue pills. I no longer care so much that he rarely kisses or hugs me. I'm more satisfied to be here because I have adjusted my expectations of W and our marriage. I no longer expect my marriage to be fulfilling, and I no longer feel bad looking outside my marriage for the fulfillment I want and need. Can I sustain this for the long term? I don't know, but for now as long as I'm spending my emotions on the men I'm meeting through the internet I can pretty much ignore the frustrations at home. I can paste on the Stepford Wife smile as I walk in the door and live the illusion until I can leave again.

It's all a coping strategy. Chaos has reigned the last few weeks within my head, but it is now subsiding. I'm starting to calm down as things are finally starting to fall into place. I don't yet have a definite affair set in motion yet, but there is one really good prospect with whom I had lunch yesterday. Also, I have lunch on Monday with a man that at least via email is sounding promising (as have others that haven't panned out, so we'll see). Yes, I've been quite the social butterfly the last couple of weeks, meeting men through emails, telephone calls and in person. It has been hectic, and hard to keep up with, but now I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I see a way to keep myself content at home when I'm home by seeking certain fulfillment outside of the marriage.

I have definitely taken a turn from desperation to a new level of calmness. Of course, that could all change with one of any number of bad turns this could all take.

For the time being, I'm just going to enjoy the calm at the eye of the storm. And truth be told, I'm still waiting for that knight to ride in on his white horse and carry me away to live happily ever after. Where's my fairy godmother?

You Don't Even Know the Half of It

It's interesting that many readers seem to feel that I'm proceeding too fast.

What none of you realize is that I haven't written about all of my exploits lately, only the "good" ones. If you think I'm doing too much too fast just from what I've written, then you'd be absolutely beside yourself if you knew the rest of it.

And there just isn't enough time in the day to write about all the rest of it. . . even if I wanted to. . . which I don't. . . at least not right now. . . maybe after the pain eases a bit. . .

Crash & Burn

H emailed today. He can’t go through with it, feels too guilty.

All that fun yesterday for nothing.

Go ahead and sock it to me. Yes, you told me so. Yes, I’m too trusting. Yes, I’m too vulnerable for this. No, you can’t beat me up worse than I already have.

So I had a good cry this afternoon, and tomorrow I have lunch with S, another CL guy that I kept putting on hold while I figured out if H was going to turn into anything. S is tall and handsome, olive skin, beautiful brown eyes and black hair with a lovely European accent.

Stay tuned for the next episode: “One door closes. Another one opens.”
OR
“Watch Trueself bang her head on the doorjamb.”

Date with H

H and I got together at a local park at lunchtime, sat in his car, and, well. . . . . . .














let's just say if what Monica did to the prez wasn't sex then we did not have sex today.

Unsure

In trying to analyze my recent behavior, I keep getting struck with four adjectives, none of which was included in the list that commenters had thrown at me. They are:

Selfish – I know that I am being selfish in all of this. I am out for me, for what I want, for what I think will make me feel good, and the hell with everybody else.

Defiant – I feel very defiant in all of this. Goes along with “the hell with everybody else” mentality. I just wanna be a bad girl for a while.

Guilty – I feel incredibly guilty though not guilty enough to stop. I feel guilty because I know what I am doing is wrong, and on top of it I feel guilty that I’m doing it in spite of knowing that it is wrong.

Desperate – This is the overriding feeling that drives me moment to moment, guiding my every action. I feel desperate to find the things that are missing from my life, and even more desperate because deep down I think that having an affair is not necessarily going to help me find those things.

So what are these things that are missing from my life? Because I can definitively say that it is more than the physical act of sex, although that is without doubt one piece that is missing. I answer this by stating what a perfect “rescue” and “rescuer” of me would be like.

I want a man to give me the following:
1. Sex on a regular basis (at least once a week, if not more)
2. Release from the primary breadwinner obligation so I could work in a job that I enjoy without the primary emphasis being salary and health benefits
3. Passion and enthusiasm
4. The feeling that I am desired and cared about as well as loved
5. Hugs and kisses on a daily basis
6. Openness with me about what is going on inside him (does any man ever do this?)
7. Effort at reaching out to me instead of me always having to be the one to reach out

Does a man like this exist? Anywhere? And can I find the things that I’m not getting without a man providing them for me? I don’t know, but it is clear that an affair is not going to meet many of those needs, very few of those needs actually. So am I coming to the conclusion that I will not have an affair? No. I’m not ready to say that. I’m just saying that if I do indeed have another affair and/or continue the affair with J I need to understand that I’m still not going to be happy or even satisfied. There are still missing pieces, yearnings that will go unfulfilled. So what’s the point? Not sure. And maybe that right there IS the point: I’m not sure.

Passive-Aggressive

A comment on the last post pointed out that certain behavior appeared quite passive-aggressive on W’s part. Why yes, yes he and I are both experts at passive-aggressive behavior. For my part, I learned it from the master himself, my dad. Not sure where W picked it up.

In thinking about it, I went to Wikipedia and found the following list of common behaviors of passive-aggressives. I have marked those behaviors of which I am often guilty with an @ and those of W with a &.

• Ambiguity @ &
• Avoiding responsibility by claiming forgetfulness @ &
• Blaming others @
• Chronic lateness and forgetfulness &
• Complaining @
• Does not express hostility or anger openly @ &
• Fear of competition
• Fear of dependency @
• Fear of intimacy &
• Fears authority @ &
• Fosters chaos @
• Intentional inefficiency @ &
• Making excuses and lying @
• Obstructionism &
• Procrastination @ &
• Resentment @ &
• Resists suggestions from others @ &
• Sarcasm @ &
• Sullenness &

I’m 14 for 19 and W is 13 for 19. We have quite the makings of a volatile relationship with all the passive-aggression brewing. Now of course this is only my perception. W’s perception might be vastly different although I am sure he would agree that I can be the passive-aggressive queen at times. W and I each excel at different areas of passive-aggressive behavior. I am expert at sarcasm, blaming others, complaining, fostering chaos in subtle yet evil ways. W has practically made a vocation out of sullenness, intentional inefficiency and procrastination. Together, we are just one big mass of resentment and miscommunication.

This is why we so desperately need marital counseling if we are to have a chance at making this work. It is also our passive-aggressive behavior that has led us to the stalemate of having two counselors recommended to us three weeks ago but no effort made to contact either of them. We are in a hole and continue digging, not a good strategy by any means.

Feeling Desired or Not

Yesterday was a bit of a roller coaster ride.

When the day started, I thought I was going to be able to see J in the afternoon, the result of W getting a day to himself on Saturday when I took N to the local theme park. I had said to W on Saturday night that I wished I could have some “time off” like he got, time to myself, and he said he thought we could do that. So, devious little slut tramp whore that I am, I secretly made arrangements to meet J. However, things didn’t go as planned on Sunday. W wasn’t too keen on me leaving the house (on to me maybe?), and I wasn’t going to push it so I stayed in and let J know that our afternoon was off. J made me feel better, and desired, by telling me that we need to work on some way to get together soon.

With my original plans disrupted I spent the afternoon in cyberspace. Turns out that was a really fine idea. Hooked up with a guy I “know” for some really hot cybersex. He and I are increasingly flirtatious with one another online, and goodness knows if the distance weren’t prohibitive, I’m sure he and I would have hooked up for real by now. Anyway, we went beyond flirtatious yesterday online, oh so far beyond. You know who you are, sweetie. Thanks for yesterday. You made me feel very desired. I am in mad, passionate lust with you, you know.

So having gotten all worked up, last night at bedtime I decided to try for some action with W. Why? Why do I even try anymore? I was lying crosswise in bed naked on my stomach when he approached to pick up his pajamas off the bed. He was standing right next to the bed, also naked. I reached out to touch him, and before my hand got within even a few inches he backed away so abruptly it startled me. I looked up at him and he said “You mess” with a grin on his face so I know he knew what I was up to, and that was his way of say no thanks. He picked up his pajamas and walked to the bathroom. I rolled over to my side of the bed. A few minutes later he came to bed climbed in and back to back we went to sleep. Back to reality, not desired at all.

Why oh why are the only people wanting me to touch them, wanting to touch me, out of reach while the only one within reach would rather I leave him alone? It is a cold, cruel world.

Gotta Love Quizzes That Tell the Truth

Using your mouth Your sexual hidden talent is your ability to use your mouth. You are incredibly sensual, a great kisser and a seductive lover. You drive all of your partners crazy with your mouth. Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com

Enquiring Minds Want to Know

Where do people who cheat do it? That's what H and I are trying to figure out. Logistics is going to be a huge issue for us.
Options:
Hotel - Pros are privacy and comfort, Cons are expense and the trail left behind even if paying cash because they require you to show an ID

Car - Pros are no added expense, Cons are difficulty finding a secluded enough place to park relatively close to work, not the most comfy place (particularly for a 6'3" guy), not the most private place either with windows all 'round

Office - Pros are convenience and no added cost, Cons are risk of being caught (which in my mind trumps all the rest) and not real comfy

Home - Wouldn't even consider it unless spouse and kids gone far away for a long time (as in days, not hours) (yeah, changed my mind from a couple of months ago when I thought I could risk it when family was out of the house for a couple of hours)

Local Park - Pros are fresh air and probably can find an isolated spot under the trees somewhere, Cons are poison ivy (I'm sooooooo susceptible), bugs, risk of being caught

Where else? Somebody out there reading this must have some ideas. I know that there are at least a few readers that are less than 100% faithful. Where do you go? And how do you make time for it? And how do you not get caught?

Enquiring minds want to know. . .

Lunch with H

H and I had lunch together today. We started out nervous like we were last week when we met, but by the time lunch was over I think we both were more comfortable and more able to talk to each other.

I told him about my "partner" plan to protect me from psycho serial killers. The look on his face was interesting. I think he never had given any thought that he could be thought of as scary in any way. I assured him that he has done and said nothing to make me feel that he is indeed a psycho serial killer, but that you always hear the neighbor on the news say "He was such a nice, quiet sort. Not at all the kind you would expect to do this" when they arrest some psycho serial killer.

While people may worry about me being impulsive, one thing nobody will have to worry about with H is an impulsive decision. He is still trying to make up his mind about whether or not he can do this. Of course, I've already made my decision, but I told him that his decision is his alone. I told him that I'm not going to try to influence him but that he knows which way I hope he decides. I also told him that I will leave him alone to make that decision and just wait to hear back from him. Of course, I hope to hear from him sooner rather than later, but I don't want to push him into something uncomfortable for him.

I still don't have his last name or phone # (time enough for that if he decides to go forward), but I did snag his license plate # as he drove away.

Adjectives

Several commenters recently have used adjectives to describe me that I find interesting, and thought provoking, and I’m going to share my thoughts on some of them here.

IMMATURE – Yes, in some ways I would say that I am acting very immaturely. I am grabbing for what I want much the same way a toddler would. The difference being that I am mature enough to think through the possible consequences, to weigh the risks, and to consciously (if not conscientiously) make decisions regarding my actions.

MESSED UP – No arguments there. No doubt in my mind that I am messed up. If I weren’t, I wouldn’t change my mind about which direction to go every other breath. I actually think in some ways though that I’m getting better about that. I have finally pretty well chosen a path, and mostly I think commenters use the term “messed up” at this point not so much the way I think of it, but to reflect their disapproval of the path I’ve chosen.

CONFUSED – Kind of goes along with “messed up.” I think I am actually becoming less confused, clearer on the path that I am taking as I go along. Again, at this point I believe it reflects disapproval of the choices I’m making.

SELF-DESTRUCTIVE – Could be. I’ve used the term myself in describing my behavior. I’m quite sure that there are heavy risks of the choices I’m making right now. While some seem to think that I want to be caught, that may have been true at a certain point, but it no longer is.

COWARD (okay not an adjective, but I’m addressing it anyway) – Am I? Probably. I’m trying to do things in such a way that I don’t have to make the hard decisions. I’m trying to do things in such a way that I keep the status quo while seeking out something more for me. Yes, I’m a coward. Too scared to upset the status quo, too scared to try to live life on my own, too scared to deal with the fallout from a divorce. Then again, maybe I’m caring more than coward. I do care about W and his feelings. If I didn’t I would just tell him that this is what I’m doing, you can’t stop me, and deal with it. Yes, that might be the honest thing to say to him, but it would hurt him. It would hurt him far more than my implementation of the Don't Ask, Don't Tell Policy.

IMPULSIVE – I tend to be impulsive at times. But I think sometimes some of my actions that appear impulsive aren’t what I would call impulsive, in the sense that they aren’t things that just pop into my head and I do them without thought. Rather they are things that roll around in my head for weeks or months, to be analyzed, thought about, dwelled on, but never spoken. Then, at some point, I make a decision, and move forward quickly and decisively. To others that looks like an impulsive action because there was little external evidence beforehand. Maybe they aren’t as impulsive as they appear.

INTELLIGENT – No argument there. Always the dweeby smart one in the corner. What I have in book smarts, I more than make up for in a lack of common sense.

VULNERABLE – Probably. I’m pretty easy to hurt, probably not tough enough for a non-emotional, physical only relationship. And I will probably emotionally get hurt in all of this, somehow by someone. I’m not blind to it, but willing to accept the risk.

TRUSTING – Maybe more than I ought to be, although I will be heeding some advice I’ve received lately. I feel like H is trustworthy based on my very limited knowledge of him, but I did decide that I will not meet privately with him until I have at least some minimal information about him: his last name, a phone number, and his license plate number. And although I am fairly trusting, I will say that my intuition has warned me off of a couple of guys that I’ve contacted. While my intuition may be wrong, I tend to err on the side of caution, and even if I can’t put my finger on the problem, I end contact then and there.

DEFENSIVE – Okay, nobody has actually accused me of this one, but I know that I’m feeling it. I am feeling very defensive, even though I don’t know any of my critics other than through this anonymous cyber world, even though I didn’t expect the world to approve of my choices, even though I opened myself up for this critique by having this blog. But I write this for me, not for anyone else, so unlike a few that I’ve seen I won’t stop writing. I won’t stop putting my reality out here. I won’t block comments (except anonymous ones), but I may not always address them all either. Depends on my mood. And today I'm feeling defensive so comment freely today with the knowledge that I probably won't take you on.

Partner in Crime

Well, I've found myself a partner in crime, another woman in similar circumstances who is willing to partner with me to help keep us both safer. We are going to share information with each other when we meet with our men, and if desired, call on our cell phones during the meetings to ensure things are going okay. Somehow, I feel a whole lot better knowing that somebody out there is going to know where I am when I'm out and about.

Don't worry, partner, your secrets are safe with me. Anything you share with me will never be shared in this blog unless it has to do with you somehow heroicly saving me from some psycho serial killer. Then I shall shout kudos to you with wild abandon.

Jumbled Thoughts

I'm starting this post without a clue as to where it will go, just kind of rambling through a jumbled mass of thoughts.

I appreciate the comments I've received here lately, the varying opinions, the concern, and the criticisms. All of it makes me think, makes me look inside myself, makes me examine the things I'm doing and the choices I'm making. Of course, I realize that all comments made here are made based on incomplete information. You know only the pieces of my life that I share here, and here I generally share the negative crap filling my head, getting it out so that I can continue to live life in a reasonably rational manner. But the things I share here are not a complete picture of me or my life or who I am. I'm certain that I show W in a much more negative light here than he deserves.

The facts of my past remain. Over 20 years ago, I made a big decision that changed many lives, as we all do over and over throughout our lives, starting ripples that would continue for a very long time. I chose to "run away" from my family, my job, my life, to pursue a relationship with W, a married man 27 years older than I. Yes, I changed everything about my life with that decision. I changed from being a "good girl" doing what I ought to into a "bad girl" doing whatever struck my fancy at the moment without regard to the impact that the things I was doing was having at the time or the lingering impact that could shadow my life for a long time to come. As much as I might like to turn back time and change some of the decisions I made back then, I can't. I must start from here and move forward from here.

I am trying to make decisions today with more regard for the impact in the short and long term. I am trying to consider the risks in the things I'm doing. I am trying to consider my wellbeing and happiness as well as others wellbeing and happiness. Unfortunately, I can't make everybody happy. It may be selfish, but I am trying to bring happiness to myself. Maybe I'm going about it all wrong. Maybe I'm making mistakes as big and bigger as I did 20 years ago. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I don't know.

I don't want to leave W. I want to take care of him. But I also wish I weren't married to him. I wish that I had a life partner closer in age to mine. I wish that I were more of a partner and less of a caretaker. I wish I didn't have to confront W's mortality over and over as he faces more and more medical issues. I wish that it was "okay" for me to have a lover on the side to take care of the physical yearnings that I have. I wish for so many things that aren't possible. So I make do the best I can. It is clear to me that yes, I am going to sleep with someone other than W. If that is so, then would it be better for me to leave W so that he must fend for himself or turn to his grown children from his first marriage for assistance? Or is it better for me to stay, to care for W the best I can, and get some of my needs met on the outside? I am choosing the latter option. Is it the right choice? I don't know. I know it is not the ideal, but I can't find a solution that is ideal. None at all. No matter what choice I make there is some sacrifice involved. I am choosing a path that means I have sacrificed my fidelity, my honesty, my trustworthiness, many qualities that are difficult for me to sacrifice. Maybe it would be a nobler sacrifice to sacrifice my happiness so that I could continue to do the things I ought to do.

Wow. This post is just as big a mess as I thought it might be. Just like my life.

Patience

Patience is not one of those virtues with which I have been blessed. No, when I want something, I want it, and I want it when I want it. I don't like to wait. I don't even like to wait 60 seconds to reheat a cup of coffee in the microwave. So clearly, being patient and waiting is not something that I do well.

Yet, right now that's all I can do in all cases. I must wait. I must exercise patience. I have no choice. Or I could just go stark raving mad, which I still might do. Haven't yet, but I still might.

I'm waiting for W to be ready to try those pills. He wants to, he tells me, but the time has to be right. He's afraid of wasting one of those expensive pills by taking one and having something interfere with us doing anything. Well, at least I understand better now why we're waiting.

I'm still waiting for J to love me the way I love him. That's not likely to ever happen so rather than straining my patience I really, really, really need to find a way to just get over him.

I'm waiting for H to contact me about getting together this week. He said he would. I'm trying to wait. I'm trying not to be pushy. I want him to decide that he wants this, or doesn't, in his own time.

I'm so tired of waiting.

Oh, and anyone who thinks I'm in a better position having three possible/sort of/maybe/okay/could be better relationships going is dead wrong. One really good relationship would trump this mess any day. And yes, I'm pretty sure it is mostly my fault that I don't have one really good relationship. I don't feel like a victim in any way. I'm doing this to myself, and am fully cognizant of it. Yet not willing to give it up. Still wanting to find the right combination to happiness. Still wanting the quick fix, the instant gratification. Still yearning for more, sooner, better. And not doing so well at waiting for it.

Finally! . . . Sort of

Went to bed early with a headache, an awful headache. Sound asleep whenever it was that W came to bed, no clue when that might have been. Woke up around 2:30 a.m. Still had headache, but not as bad. Reached around and started petting W. I do this a lot when I have trouble sleeping. Usually, he just sleeps through it. Last night he woke up, started kissing me, started touching me in many places, rubbing me all over. We were silent, never spoke a word, just touched and kissed each other in many and varied places. He was hard enough that I pulled him on top of me and helped guide him in. He wasn't hard enough for really thrusting without falling out so we just lay there, together, him inside me, my legs wrapped around him. Nobody came, but nobody cared. We were closer, both physically and mentally, than we had been in a long time. I could have stayed that way for a long, long time, could have fallen asleep that way probably. But W eventually rolled off, rolled over, and went back to sleep. I realized my headache was gone, and I rolled over and went back to sleep too.

Caution! Drama Queen at Work

This morning, J finally replied to my last email:

Hi,
I looked and I did not even realize how I signed off on my last email. Sorry...I didn't spell really well either. I haven't had too good of a week or 2. I have had the feeling I have now become the center of a dartboard and I am being shot at every direction. My job is in jeapordy at the moment because the ex put an EOP against me without even talking to me. Says I beat up my ten year old. She is a pain. I got my son for two weeks and she called five times trying to end that. I hav now gained a new dislike for her. Then there is you know who that disappeared for the last six days and did not tell me where she was going. Life is just wonderful...note the sarcasm. Well, I goota go, but write back when you can.

Love,
J

I happened to be on the computer when the email arrived so I fired off a quick reply:

J,

I'm so sorry things aren't going well. I hope you are able to work everything out okay.

I won't burden you with how things are going with me. It wouldn't help your mood any.

I love you so much, and so wish that there were a way that I could make everything better for you. You have no idea how guilty I feel like all of this is my fault. One huge mistake by me 20 years ago, and I messed up more lives than I ever knew would be possible.

Love,
Trueself

Then the family and I went off to my company picnic. Woohoo. Why do they have those anyway? Only a fraction of employees actually show up, and nobody has a good time. Sorry, off track for a moment. When we returned this afternoon, I checked email and had received this:

Hi Trueself,
Are we playing on the computer this morning? That response was pretty quick. I guess you know that in reality, you have nothing to do with what is going on. Your huge mistake as you call it did what exactly? One thing doesn't necessarily lead to another although it can. You and I could have stayed together back then, and still found other people to marry. In some ways, I didn't do too bad since I do have three kids out of the deal. The one I have now says that I have been driving her away, but for some odd reason I can't drive her back.. What does this all mean? I don't know. I am so confused with life that I don't which end is up. Something tells me that your life isn't going any better. You know I have to ask this. Do you really feel that way about me, or are you just looking for a way out? I might have already asked that before, but it is a valid question you know.

Oh well, I guess I will talk to you later.

Love,
J

And here's the reply I sent, melodrama and all:

J,

Yes, I really feel that way about you. No, I am not just looking for a way out. As a matter of fact, in some ways the worst thing that could happen to me would be for you to be free and wanting me. If that happened it would be impossible for me to stay in this marriage because I want to be with you so badly. As long as you are not available to me, I stay here. I stay so that N has an intact home, and so that W has someone to take care of him. It is so much better for the two of them that I stay so I do. If, however, I really had the chance to have what I believe would make me truly happy I couldn't stay.

I am trying to be good. I am trying to leave you alone (not doing well on that one I'm afraid) so that you can work through all that is going on. I am trying to focus on making my marriage work (and taking some strange detours along the way). I am trying to somehow make myself happy with the life I have, rather than dwelling on the one I don't have. Often, I am failing miserably. Too often I think of the times we've spent together recently, and how badly I want to spend more time with you. I hate not talking to you, not emailing you, not seeing you. Part of me really wanted you to reply to me that yes, it's over for us, because even though I would have hated it more than anything, it would have forced me to move on.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to dump all this on you. I truly, truly am trying to step back, and wait, but it is so hard. It hurts me to see you hurting, and it hurts me even more to know that I can't take the hurt away. I'm not the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. I have no way of making this better for you or for me except to try to fall out of love with you. And I'm trying to do that. And so far I'm failing. And now I've got to go because the tears in my eyes are keeping me from seeing the computer screen.

Love,
Trueself

Strange Things

W has taken to IMing me from the downstairs office while I'm on the laptop in the family room. Well at least we're communicating I guess.

#####

When I was meeting guys from CL that I wasn't particularly attracted to I could talk to them with ease about all sorts of things related to sex. When I met H (the guy I had drinks with) yesterday, I couldn't talk about anything but became completely tongue-tied.

#####

I feel closer to the friends I've made in cybespace than any of my "real life" friends.

#####

A few years ago I would have been completely disgusted with a person doing the things I'm doing now in my life.

#####

Since the initial short discussion when he first brought them home, there has been no further mention of the little blue pills.

#####

I never feel more alone than when I'm at home with W, Even when I'm at home by myself I don't feel as alone.

Maybe Found "Him"

Limo Guy turned out not to be the one. He and I talked for quite a while on the phone yesterday. Nice guy, but with a bit more of a wild streak than I think I care for.

Spent the day emailing sporadically back and forth with the guy who's 26. It was fun, and if I hadn't found "Him" later in the day I might have considered meeting him next week. As it is I let him know that it's a "no go."

After work today I went out for a drink with someone I hadn't mentioned before here. To tell the truth I'd forgotten about him, but he emailed me yesterday to check in and see if we could meet. Not sure what made me say yes, but I did. So we met at a bar after work. I arrived first and positioned myself so that I could keep my eye on the door. He had told me what he would be wearing so I recognized him as soon as he walked in. OMG, he is gorgeous, 6'3", 215 lbs, short brown hair, neatly trimmed mustache, well dressed, well mannered, 2 years older than I. Way out of my league I thought, and figured there was no way he was going to be interested in me. It was so clear that we were both really nervous. We talked. He had two beers. I had one diet Coke (hey, I'm trying not to be completely stupid here, ya' know, even though I really wanted some Jack Daniels in that diet Coke). There was definitely chemistry between the two of us. We walked outside, and he walked me to my car (oh, I know, I wasn't supposed to let him do that, but I'm not completely smart either). We talked as clumsily as two teenagers on a first date. He stammered. I giggled. It was pretty pathetic. Finally, he leaned in and kissed me, and gave me a hug. It was a wonderful kiss, and I swear, if he'd wanted to I'd just about done him right then and there. (Well, maybe not right there in the parking lot, but maybe in the back seat of the car.) We agreed to get together again and talk some more. He wants some time to decide if he can really go through with this as it would be the first time he has been unfaithful to his wife of more than 20 years. This seems too good to be true so I'm sure he's going to decide not to go through with it. But if he decides he wants this, then he is almost surely the one.

Now, I have one more guy that I'm going to meet. He and I have been emailing back and forth for several days and will set up a meeting when I call him tomorrow morning. Our emails have been interesting. I thought he was trying to shy away from a face-to-face meeting (mentioned in my earlier post), and I told him so and that I was done. He then emailed me twice to talk me back into a dialogue. Now he has me convinced that it was all a misunderstanding and he and I have been exchanging very funny and sarcastic emails back and forth. If he's as good in person as in his emails, then he will give today's guy some competition. But I know me, and I know that I am not blessed with that kind of luck.

No, the way my luck goes, I'll meet tomorrow's guy who will be an obvious psycho killer, or just a total loser, or something just as bad. Then today's guy will tell me he has decided he can't go through with it. Yep, that is the way my luck goes.

Oh, and still no response from J. I almost emailed him again asking for a response but decided against it.

And W? Yeah, he's still sitting 6 feet from me, watching TV, oblivious to his traitorous wife writing about my escapades on my secret blog, oblivious to the fact that month end close isn't really the nightmare that's causing me to "work late" day after day.

And those little blue pills? Still waiting for a "special occasion."

Yesterday Morning

Almost forgot. Yesterday morning W and I did have just a little playtime before I left for work. Actually, I played with him. He just lay there. He did say "Thank you, I love that" when I quit. Woohoo. Of course, I had hoped that what I was doing was starting something more, not the be all, end all, but no luck. I went to work just as frustrated as ever. This is why I don't usually, and shouldn't, initiate.

You Had to Know I'd Do This

Because I can just never ever let go when I ought to, and in spite of getting rid of contact info for J last week, you know what's coming, right? You know what I did, right? You know that after three weeks of not hearing from him, it was driving me crazy, right? So you know I emailed him, right? Not from the account that W knows about, but from the secret one I set up (the one I'm also using to set up dates with my Craigslist guys). You knew this was coming, didn't you? Yeah, me too.

And a little backstory for clarification. References in the following emails to Dr. Phil have to do with a while back when I mentioned someone threw us a possible lifeline. A producer from The Dr. Phil show called because I had sent them an email briefly describing my fucked up life. They were possibly interested in doing a show about me, us, the whole mess. However, they only wanted to do it if all parties involved (me, W and J and possibly even T) would appear on the show. W was more than willing (he thinks Dr. Phil could "fix" me). I, of course, wouldn't even have written if I weren't willing. J I wasn't sure about, but didn't think he'd go for it. Of course, in spite of my many pleas he wouldn't go for it so the show was a no go. Oh well. Life's like that. Probably not best to get my 15 minutes of fame that way anyway. I really just wanted to go because I thought maybe, maybe, maybe, Dr. Phil could actually help me find help to get my head on straight.

Okay so now that you're caught up, here is the recent email exchange:



Monday afternoon, my email to J:

J,

Just checking in to see how you're doing. Hadn't heard from you in a while and didn't know if that was a good sign or a bad one. Hope things are working out for you and T. (Liar, liar, pants on fire)

Hope this email gets to you. I'm having to rely on memory for your email address. In a fit of sanity last week, I deleted your email address from all my email accounts and your cell phone number from my cell phone. As you can see, insanity quickly returned, and I wished I hadn't gotten rid of my ways of contacting you.

Anyway, just wanted to say hi and see how things are going.

Love,
Trueself

Monday evening, J's email back to me:

Hi,
Your memory has not been totally lost. You got it right, and you know my cell # is xxx-xxx-xxxx. Anyway, when are you going to your Dr. Phil taping? I for the moment have seemed to have used a seemingly vast array of tactics that have been afforded me from various sources, and thay have gotten me pretty much nowhere. But I keep trudging along hoping for that slight opening to sneak through. I know what you are going to say, but you know me....have to keep trying until all my teeth have been knocked out. Oh well, how are you? Well, gotta go. Talk to you later.

J

Noticing that J had switched from his previous practice of signing emails "Love, J" I replied with the following on Monday night:

J,

No Dr. Phil. They were only interested if we could get everybody involved.

Am I reading too much into the difference in how you signed your email? Are we over now?

Love,
Trueself

Now it is late Wednesday night, and I've had no reply from J. Don't know what that means. Had forgotten all about waiting for his email until just a few minutes ago because I've been busily emailing two of my Craigslist guys -- the one who I thought was shying away from a face-to-face meeting, but who assures me I misinterpreted his intentions and one guy who is only 26 but so far sounds quite interesting. That would certainly be a contrast to W who is about the same amount older than me as this guy is younger. Anyway, been so busy with the Craigslist guys I almost forgot all about J. Cool. . .

Paranoia Ensues

I've moved from being excited about a new lover, to nervous, and then on into downright paranoia. I am now convinced that no matter who I pick, no matter how carefully I pick him, no matter how many times I meet him in public, I am going to end up picking some psycho killer who will leave me lying dead in a pool of my own blood somewhere.

The paranoia started after first reading about a 30 year old missing person case locally that has never been solved. For some reason (don't remember what) the police are reopening the case. The woman disappeared after being seen in a bar with a man she just met. Then last night on the news there was a report about the upcoming sentencing of a man convicted of a murder last year of a woman he met at a bar.

Okay, I know, I'm not picking up random guys at a bar. No, I'm picking them up off the internet. Like that is so much safer. Yeah, probably not as safe. At least there is something of a trail if someone off's me. All the police would have to do is get hold of my computer and get the email addresses of the bazillion guys I've heard from. Ha! Now I'm worrying about catching and prosecuting my murderer. Maybe I ought to be worrying more about preventing my murder. Like stop meeting guys off the internet! (What's that? A voice of reason? Shut up.)

So then I'm thinking maybe I should leave some info about those that I'm meeting somewhere, but somewhere where it would only be found if something happened to me. It couldn't be at home because I wouldn't want W to find it if nothing bad happens. This isn't the kind of thing I could tell a friend about so I can't leave the information with a friend. I'm thinking I could leave the information in my top desk drawer at work, on a piece of paper folded in half. Under normal circumstances nobody would pay any attention to it even if they opened the drawer looking for a paper clip or something, but if something happened to me surely someone would find the paper and be able to use the information as a lead.

Let's get this straight then. I've got a plan for how to find and prosecute my murderer, but no intention of doing the obvious thing to avoid it. Right. There you go. Talk about some deep dark thoughts.

Candidate Update

The tally so far:

I've had lunch with one guy who looks older than W in spite of claiming to be 15 years younger than W. He was okay, nothing special, no chemistry on my side. He is more than willing to start an affair with me. I'm not so certain as I would like to have someone that I have a decent level of chemistry with.

I met another guy at a bookstore and helped him study for his CPA exam. Then we went for a walk, and he admitted he had no interest in an affair, but was intrigued in learning about people like me (people who put ads for affairs on the internet). Basically, he wanted to interview me to satisfy his own curiosity. He also wanted me to tell him what I thought of him as a potential partner if he were interested. Sheesh.

My lunch date for today cancelled. He emailed over the weekend to say that he had to go out of town on business and will contact me when he gets back. We'll see.

I have exchanged emails and voicemails with a man who owns a limo service and has offered to use the back of the limo as our location for our encounters. We have also traded pictures. I find this one really intriguing. Sex in a limo is something of a turn on. The pics of this guy, handsomely dressed in suit and tie, show a very nice looking man. Now we just have to find a time when his busy schedule and mine will allow us to get together for a public meeting somewhere to talk in person. This is the most promising one so far.

Emailed back and forth with one guy that seemed promising for the first few emails but got turned off when he kept shying away from a face-to-face meeting. Sorry, cyber sex I got plenty of. I'm looking for the real deal.

I've still got a few on hold that look possibly promising if none of these work out. One thing I can say for certain at this point is that there are a lot of very strange people out there. I am less and less certain that anything is going to come from this, but I'll know more once I meet Limo Man in person.

Somebody's Gotta Be First

Well, after reading Mr. Husbland's story of his first time and his link over to Nervous Girl and her story, I decided to share the story of my first time. Not that anyone else cares, but it's my blog so I'll write what I want to.

I met Rob at a bar when I was a freshman in college. I spent much, too much, time in bars when I was in college, but meeting Rob was a pretty good thing. He was gorgeous -- very tall, wavy blonde hair, piercing blue eyes, athletic build. He was completely unlike the dweeby, geeky, nerdy guys I usually dated. Why he ever had any interest in me I'll have no idea, but he did. He pursued me, we made out, a lot, in the back seat of his cousin's car on the way home from the bar. We were so busy we failed to realize that his cousin had pulled up in front of my dorm, and his cousin and my best friend practically had to pull us off of each other to get me to get out of the car and up to my room. I was drunk enough that night that I wasn't sure whether or not I had told Rob my phone number or even my name, but I hoped so. I was hoping this wasn't just a one night kiss and grab session.

Fortunately for me, Rob did have the necessary information to get in touch with me. We dated a few times. I don't remember for sure how many dates or what we did on them, but I remember one where I went to the apartment he shared with his cousin. He made dinner for me. I don't remember what we had, but I remember being impressed that he could cook.

As the school year drew to a close, I was in my dorm room studying for finals and watching the NBA playoffs. Rob called and wondered if he could come over, and we could order pizza. For some time, we'd been getting more intimate in our encounters, and he wanted us to go all the way on this night as it would be our last chance to be together before school was over for the summer. I told him to come on over. I called for pizza delivery. Then I called my best friend, who lived in the same dorm as I, and asked her to come up and have pizza with us. She was busy studying, but I asked her if she'd take a break because Rob was coming over, and he wanted to have sex, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to, and wouldn't she please come up to keep me from succombing to temptation. She finally said yes. Rob was a bit surprised and annoyed that Cheri was there when he arrived, but he has nice to her while we ate pizza. After the pizza was gone, I could tell Rob really wanted Cheri to leave. I could tell Cheri was trying to stay until Rob left to "protect" me. I had finally decided that tonight was the night so I told Cheri it was okay for her to leave. She asked a couple of times if I was sure, and I said yes. So Cheri left, and Rob stayed.

Soon we were on my bed kissing, fully clothed. We fumbled around some as we took each other's shirts off. Soon the rest of our clothes were off. Rob was kissing me all over. I remember feeling embarassed because Rob was the first guy to see me completely naked. I refused to look any lower than his upper chest, afraid I might see more than I wanted to. He tried to get me to stroke his cock, but I was shy about touching him there. I touched him just a little, but not much. Mostly I just laid there and let him do things to me. Soon he climbed on top of me, and he slid inside me easily because he had me awfully worked up and awfully wet. He didn't last long before he came. My thoughts were, that's it? That's what all the fuss is about? Huh. Okay. Whatever.

Soon Rob got up, got dressed and left. After he left I cried. Why? Because it all seemed like such a let down. I saved myself for this? Why? What on earth did people see in this? I just didn't get it. It was a few years and boyfriends later before I understood what all the fuss was about.

I never saw Rob again. He returned home for the summer, never even exchanging home addresses or phone numbers with me. I went home briefly and returned for summer school. Rob never tried to contact me over the summer. When Rob returned for fall semester, he came over to my dorm and called me from the lobby. I talked to him briefly on the phone, explained that my boyfriend (a guy I met at summer school) was there with me so I couldn't talk. Rob said he understood. I never heard from him again.

Proof God Has a Sense of Humor

Got my period today.

Now, if it were up to me that wouldn't stop us from certain activities, but it's not all up to me.

So much for childfree fun.

Anybody Get Any Yesterday?

Anybody? Anybody?

Not me. Nope. Just a few kisses when we went to bed.

This has gone so according to script. We've done this so many times before through the years. I complain enough to where W resumes intimacy with me. At first, we fool around a lot, several times a week, tapering down in a couple of weeks to maybe once or twice a week, again tapering after a couple of weeks to once every couple of weeks, finally tapering back to not at all. This is our pattern. This is what we do. We're just cycling through like we always do.

What I really don't get is that W acts like he really enjoys it when we do it. Is it just an act? Does he do it just to get me to shut up? If so, he's a damn fine actor. Does he really enjoy it? If so, why doesn't he want to do it some more?

In recent discussions, W has made it clear that he thinks I have an overactive libido. Now, to me the perfect number of times for sex is once or twice a week on average, but I'd settle for two or three times a month if I could get that much. To me, this doesn't sound like an overactive libido at all. To him, it does.

One third of our childfree time has already expired. N will be back on Wednesday. We have tonight and tomorrow basically when we can get as wild as we want. If we spend that time like yesterday afternoon and evening we'll be really well rested by the time N gets home. Tense, but well rested. Oh how I wish we would greet N back from camp being tired, sore, but very, very relaxed.

So Here I Sit

All alone. Oh yes, W is here, but he is asleep in his chair.

N is safely tucked away at camp. What a perfect opportunity to try out those new pills. Well, you'd think so wouldn't you? We got home from taking N to camp. W started to undress. Good sign. Then he asks for the newspaper and heads for the bathroom. Okay, should I undress and wait in the bedroom, or am I reading too much into this here? Hmmm. . . Decide to take the safe route. I won't undress, but I also won't get involved in any chores or projects so that I'm available when he comes out.

Finally, W emerges and says, "Now that N's gone (oh boy here we go!), do you want to (oh you bet I want to!) go buy school supplies?"

What?!?!?!? Wait a minute. Adjust thinking. Reset. I say, "Do you want to?"

W says, "Yeah, let me go put some clothes on."

So we spend the next couple of hours out shopping for school supplies for N (amazing how much you spend on school supplies for a second grader) during which I acted like a supreme royal bitch (suffering from that tropical disease, acute lackanooky) and then stopping for a quick light dinner. Oh, I think to myself as we pull in to the restaurant, this is the same place we went the last time I thought we were going to fool around but didn't. Hope that's not a sign.

So far, it seems that it was a sign. We got home, and W quite promptly sat down in the family room and went to sleep. So here I sit, debating whether I should wake W and try to make advances, or if I should just leave him alone and continue answering emails from my lover "candidates." So far, letting him sleep is winning out. At this point the resentment has built up beyond me wanting to do anything anyway. At this point if I tried I'd feel like I was forcing him. . . yet again. Besides, we agreed a while back that if there was to be anything happen he needed to initiate so that I knew he wanted it and wasn't doing it just to appease me. So here I sit.

Feels odd sitting here working on setting up an affair while W is no more than 6 feet away, but that's what I did yesterday and what I continue this evening. I am surprised at how callous I am about this whole thing. One would almost think I'd feel bad about going behind W's back, setting up clandestine meetings with men. Yet, I don't. This morning at church as I knelt for communion I prayed for God's forgiveness. I have no doubt that what I am doing is a sin, and yet I find it difficult to feel guilty for it. So I prayed not only for God's forgiveness for my adultery but also for my continued hardheartedness over the matter.

The State of Affairs

I have two different topics today so I thought about making two separate posts, but then decided that they are probably related so let's see if I can do it in one.

TOPIC #1
Yesterday, W came home and waved a pill bottle in front of me. He'd just gotten back from the store where he picked up his prescription of Viagra. Now, if I were the one in need of the Viagra and had just gotten my prescription I would have wanted to try it out right away. Not W, Nope. It's expensive (about $10/pill) so he wants to save it for "special occasions" Okay, to me getting the damn prescription is special occasion enough, but I guess not. As of tomorrow, we will be at two sex-free weeks. Oh, except he French kissed me three times before he rolled over to go to sleep last night. Woohoo. I'm all tingly. Oh well. We take N to camp tomorrow so we'll have a few child-free days. I'm hoping child-free means W will deem it a "special occasion" but who knows.

TOPIC #2
Gave up on J this week. It just isn't ever going to be the way I want it to be so I have to stop making myself crazy. However, due to topic #1 and feeling quite unsatisfied, and after much thought and consideration, I put an ad on Craigslist looking for a "casual encounter." In spite of being very honest in my description (including being quite overweight) I got a boatload of responses. Some were easy to discard right away: the one line answers, the single men, the "babies" (under 35), the ones that included a nude photo, the ones that sounded like illiterate creeps. Some went into the "maybe" category and 10 went into the "pursue" category. So far I've met one man, and have two more dates set up. I still want to set up a few more. Basically, I am "interviewing" potential lovers. Weird. Not something I ever expected to do. Also, didn't think there were that many lonely married men out there. There seem to be a whole lot of wives out there doing to their husbands what W does to me. There are so many similar stories out there. Yep, it may take me a bit to find the right one, but I'm on my way to starting another affair. Hopefully in a week or so, I'll have found the man I want to pursue an extramarital relationship with. Hopefully, we will be in sync with one another, looking for a physical outlet without emotional complications. Hopefully, we can get together on a somewhat regular basis to ease the tension. I know some would say that following this path is terrible, and not right, and immoral, and unfair to our spouses, etc. They are probably right, but I make no apologies. I have made my choice, and I'm going to go for it. I'm just too tired of this unsatisfying life.

Oh and one last update: W and I decided not to do anything with R. There just seems to be too much risk. Yes, I know that what I'm about to get myself into with a male lover is also risky. However, I'm looking for someone who is also looking for one playmate, not a different woman every day or every week. I'm finding there are men out there just as needy as I am and not getting any so I'm trying to minimize risk by finding one of these men, not the players of the world.

Another list

Copy this entire list into your blog/journal. BOLD anything that is true about you. Leave plain anything that is false about you. Put an asterisk (*) at the end of false statements you would LIKE to be true.

I am bi-sexual.
My spouse or lover is aware of my orientation.
My spouse or lover has watched me have sex with someone of my gender.
I have had sex while wearing a blindfold.*
I have blindfolded someone else during sex.
I have had sex while watching porn.
I sleep better after sex.
There are some nights I cannot sleep without sex or masturbating.
I masturbate more than once per day.
The bed is NOT my most favorite place to have sex.
I am turned on knowing someone is watching me masturbate.
I enjoy watching others having sex or being watched during sex.
I will have sex with someone I just met if they turn me on.
I have had sex with two different individuals (at separate times) during the course of one day.
I have been tied up during sex.
I have had sex with someone who was tied up.
I have dripped wax onto a lover’s body.
I have had a lover drop wax on my body.
I have a foot/sock/shoe fetish.
I have a leather fetish.
Watching someone urinate (or being watched while urinating) is a turn-on.
I have had sex in a vehicle.
I have had sex while driving a vehicle.
I have been to a sex club or bathhouse.
I like being choked during sex.
My lovers would describe me as kinky.
I shave (or trim) the hair on or around my genitals. (sometimes, not always)
The smell of my lover’s sweat turns me on.
I have erotic art on display somewhere in my residence.
Dirty talk during sex turns me on.
I enjoy pornographic magazines.
I have a collection of porno movies.
Erotic toys are a regular part of my budget.*
I have clicked on porn links in my email.
I regularly look at porn sites on the internet.
Much of what I know about sex comes from porn.
Interracial sex turns me on.
I would participate in sex research if given the opportunity.
My current lover does not sufficiently meet my sexual needs.
I have had sex at my place of employment.
I am often disappointed in my sexual relationships.
Some people might describe me as a nymphomaniac.
I am difficult to live with if I’m not having sex on a regular basis.
I sleep better with someone snuggled up next to me.
I have had sex under water.
I have had sex outdoors.
I have had sex in a public place or where I might have been discovered.*
I have had sex in a bathroom stall.
I have had sex in the snow.
I am or have been in a polyamorous relationship.
I have participated in three-ways or orgies.
I have to have music playing during sex.
I have flashed strangers.
I have given sex as a gift.
I have set up a three-way for my lover.
I stopped during this list to have sex.
All day I dream about sex.

Conversations

Yesterday evening

Trueself: I don’t mean to be pushy or nosy, but I’m going to be.
W: Yes? (smiles at me)
TS: I was just wondering if you called the doctor about the little blue pills.
W: No, I haven’t. (smile turns to frown)
TS: Oh, okay. That’s fine. I just wondered. (left the room to keep from continuing the conversation and causing problems)


This morning

W: How come you got up earlier?
TS: Because you started to snore, and it was almost time to get up anyway.
W: Did the alarm go off?
TS: No but it would have about 10 minutes after I got up if I didn’t turn it off.
TS: (trying to not sound pouty but probably not succeeding) I really thought when you woke up earlier we were going to fool around this morning.
W: I was, but you got up and left me. (I read into this that it is my fault we didn’t do anything.)
TS: Well, only after you started snoring. (Back at ya’ buster.)
W: I wasn’t sleeping. (And back at you, too.)
TS: Oh, your eyes were closed, and you were snoring but not sleeping. Okay. ( I think I kept from rolling my eyes at this point, but not sure.)
W: I love you. (Yeah that makes it all better)
TS: (trying, probably not succeeding in sounding sincere) I love you, too.

Can you just feel the warmth and caring in our household?

Assorted Updates

Unsent email - Following discussion with W, I decided not to send it but to hold on to it for possible use in the future in case J contacts me again.

Little blue pills - Turns out I misunderstood W. I thought the prescription was called in to the pharmacy. Actually the Dr. was mailing the prescription to W. W received several followup items from last week's appointment this week. The prescription for the pills was not among the items. W said he would call the Dr. and ask. Naturally, he has not told me whether or not he has done this or given me any other kind of update. Surely if he had the little blue pills he'd tell me, wouldn't he? Or would he?

What to do about R - W met R today for a late breakfast. She was 15 minutes late (starting to show a pattern here, I know it's petty but it is just such a pet peeve of mine). They chatted, and hit it off fine. W said he has the same concerns that I have although she did not mention to him any others with whom she is intimate like she did with me. She did make mention of her financial situation telling W about being on food stamps and likely having a cutback in her hours at her current part-time job. W's take is that he wouldn't mind being with R once and giving it a try. He and I both have the concern about STDs though. Since W and I both know we are 100% disease free it's kind of hard to start anything with somebody we're not sure of. We decided to discuss it further later when I can be more candid than when I'm on the phone at work.

And how are things between W and me - There has been no intimacy between W and me except a few short kisses since a week and a half ago as recounted in my earlier post, Weekend Update . At that time I feared that that weekend was meant by W to satisfy me for "a while," and it seems I was correct. He is very passive agressive about it though, claiming he wants to go to bed early but then not doing so claiming he just needs to finish a few more things around the house prior to bed, starting things when there is no time to follow through or when N is likely to interrupt. It more and more seems as though he is trying to earn points for wanting to but not having to actually do it. Maybe this is why I'm agreeable to a threesome, the thought that even if he loses interest I'll still have somebody there to continue with, or maybe he won't lose interest as quickly with someone new in the mix, or maybe it's just a way for me to be with other people without having to sneak around behind W's back, or maybe it's a bit of all three.

Unsent Email

This is the email I want to send to J but haven't. I'm writing it here to see if it will help me get it out of my system. Sometimes I think it is better if I do not contact him because that always seems to just start things up again. On the other hand, this email might not do that. So here's the email I haven't sent and can't really decide if I want to send.

J,

I am in pain, and I know that you are too. I do not think that you and I are helping each other in any way by continuing to have a relationship at any level.

In order for me to move on with my life with W, I have to be free of you. I have to stop fantasizing that you and I will one day be together. I have to stop fantasizing that one day you will love me the way that I love you. I can see that it will not happen. I have to stop waiting for you.

And yet, I do keep waiting for you. I wait for you because you have not been willing to entirely close the door on a relationship with me. I wait because I want to believe in my fantasies.

This is it, J. No more. I am no longer waiting for you, nor do I want you to contact me anymore. Delete my number from your cell phone, erase my email addresses from your address book. Do not contact me again. Even if you aren't willing to close the door between us, I am at a point now where I am.

Goodbye, J. I am so sorry that things never worked out for us, but they didn't. You and I both have to accept that and move on. It's time to do that.

Love,
Trueself

Of course, part of the reason I haven't sent that email is that I don't honestly mean it. I don't want to lose J. I don't want to stop believing in my fantasies even though I know it is what I should do. I am so torn. I think I'll let this sit for a couple of days, and I'll think it over as to whether I should just be the strong one, the one that stops the whole thing. Maybe it's what I should do, but I've got to think about it some more. If I really decide to do this, I've got to follow through with it and truly be done with it. I've got to do the same things I'm asking of J -- getting rid of his cell number from my cell phone, deleting his email address from my address book, though it is more difficult to remove them from my head. It is so hard for me to take those steps, to truly decide to cut off contact with J. Yet the longer this goes on the more I realize that it would probably be the best thing for all involved. I guess the biggest question is, am I strong enough?